To be upset by what my bf called me?

[Pooparific]

A few days ago I was having a really hard time emotionally and ate almost a whole cake to myself over the course of 2 days. It was the size of a banana bread tin and was about 4 portions. I felt so annoyed with myself but in the moment I was emotional, tired and just wanted all the carbs and sugar in the world to feel better. 😳
I know I need to lose weight, I’m 2 stone heavier than I was a year ago but I have been emotionally eating and I am starting a slimming world type thing next week.
fast forwards to last night and my partner has been calling me ‘cake arse’.
He thinks it’s really funny and said it a few times, but it really hurt me. When I told him how upset it made me, especially as I know and hate my body weight, he said ‘I was only joking, can’t you tell it was a joke?’.
he can’t understand why I’m upset. He thinks I’m being too sensitive but I don’t think I am. I wouldn’t dreams of saying that to somebody. Especially as he know how uncomfortable I am with my body the now.
So AIbu?
yes- I’m being far too sensitive.
no- he’s being an arse hole.

YANBU - if he knows you are struggling with your body image then his comment is really mean.

Mean. It's only a joke if both people are laughing.

Mean. But also well done not eating the cake in a oner! When I emotionally eat I’m like a machine. Good luck slimming but please be kind to yourself. X

You already know how you feel - hurt.
You already know you're not BU (although there'll be people along in a minute to tell you exactly why you are bu) - so you don't need anybody's validation for how you feel.
If he regularly tells you that you can't take a joke and that your hurt feelings are invalid, I'd be having serious thoughts about the future of your relationship.
If it's a genuine one off, maybe just let him know how upset you are and then drop it for now. But bear it in mind as thus might be a new pattern of behaviour you won't want to tolerate in the future.

Well, mine says the letters BA after my name stand for 'big arse' so I feel your pain.

He is trying to gaslight you. All toxic ppl say there were "only joking" and you are "too sensitive" If this isnt a one of, get rid of him!

Banter and jokes between couples are when people are comfortable enough with each other to say things in an affectionate way that they know the other one will not be offended and take exception to.

Cake arse is just nasty name calling.

Defending what he said after you told him you are feeling down about your weight/size is even nastier:

Call him pencil dick a couple of times and see how that goes down.

Men often don't get how badly we take it when people joke about our appetite and appearance. Typically they will overeat, get fatter, get some teasing from their mates, then lose weight or don't as they see fit. Far less (if any) guilt or shame attached to the process and little impact on their self worth. My point, your BF probably does think you're being oversensitive because I doubt he understands the complexity of your emotions. He should of course stop when told though and learn from it to be more sensitive in future.

Urgh I hate this I was only joking crap. He's hurt your feelings and should own it, my dad always does this as well. A joke is only funny when both people find it so. Yanbu and your dp is being an insensitive arse. X

Has he said it again since you made it clear it was upsetting you OP?

Call him something he won’t like ‘maggot cock’ or something equally unkind just as a joke obviously

His intention was to hurt you and diminish your self esteem, under the convenient guise of "just a joke" so he doesn't have to apologise for it. Not only that, he's made it your fault that you're upset because you're "too sensitive". So now you feel bad both about your body AND the way you feel.

Ditch this loser now. It will only get worse.

You've put on 2 stone in a year, many a true word is said in jest, he's letting you know he would rather you weren't eating all the cake and he prefers you as he was when he started dating you. harsh facts are that men are visual creatures.

... he can’t understand why I’m upset. He thinks I’m being too sensitive but I don’t think I am.

This is the crux of the problem, I think. Maybe he genuinely thinks "cake arse" is funny and that you'd normally see the funny side of something like that. Maybe he forgot about your history with food, or didn't anticipate/understand how it would make it difficult for you to cope with this particular type of "teasing". Maybe after you told him, he felt it was important to tell you all of this so that you understood that he wasn't being intentionally hurtful or deliberately targeting areas where you were vulnerable.

BUT. Once you DID tell him, a decent partner would have backed off. He can say sorry, I didn't mean to be genuinely hurtful if he feels it's important, but he also needs to stop. Stop saying it, obviously, and just as importantly stop bringing the topic up/going on about it. Just drop it. It doesn't matter if he can't understand - it's not ABOUT him. He can take your word for it and make a slight adjustment (ceasing to make or talk about what wasn't really a super brilliant and cutting-edge joke in the first place) to make his partner more comfortable.
He doesn't HAVE to understand, he just has to make a minor adjustment that his presumably beloved partner has asked for because she needs it.

WHY is he so reluctant to do this? Does he not think you'd do the same for him in a similar situation? What is he getting out of continuing to justify this "joke" even knowing that it hurts and upsets you?

Then he's still a dick, OP said she's been having a hard time, he could be a little more understanding rather than calling her names.

@5128gap so he's excused because he's a mere man? That's OK then.

@CitizenofMoronia lovely, supportive post. You have absolutely no idea behind the reasons of OP's weight gain. But as long as her BF wants to date someone 2st lighter - and that's his only criteria for a loving, supportive relationship - then he should fuck off and go find someone more suitable, eh?

oh absolutely he's 100% not joking, but he is letting her know he's not happy with the change, and pointing out that eating a whole cake over 2 days won't help. the next step is wondering eyes, because.... well your not the woman I met.

er ... where did I say that's MY thinking? I'm pointing out the harsh reality of how most men think.. im telling you it wont be long before we get the my BF cheated on my post.

Don't be daft. I said no such thing. If you want to encourage the OP to think her bf is being deliberately cruel and malicious towards her, go ahead. I'm just pointing out that sometimes people don't understand how hurtful they're being. The OP lives with the man, I'm sure she has an idea of whether he's a nasty piece of work in general or not.

I live in a ND household, bear with me, it’s relevant.
Over the years, mine have said hurtful, honest and direct things that have hurt the feelings of others. Sometimes they thought it was funny, sometimes it was just a question like ‘Why are you so fat’
Point being, if someone tells you that it’s hurtful, that they have been upset by the comment, you don’t ever say it again. You might not understand why they mind, but they have told you directly so there’s no excuse for not stopping the comments. Sometimes you apologise, even if you don’t get it.
But you stop, because one is a mistake and twice is intentional.

He hasn’t said sorry, if he did I would probably be less emotional about it. He hasn’t said it since but has continued now saying. ‘You don’t really need to lose weight’. ‘I don’t know why u are so hung up on your weight’.
it’s so hard for me, I used to be really healthy, go to the gym regularly, be a 10/12 so not really slim but an athletic build. I had a baby almost a year ago and when breastfeeding I began so unhealthy habits to curb my huger in a rush and it has just grown arms and legs from there!
I am now more determined than ever to get back to where I was in terms of health and fitness not just to lose the weight- but not for his benefit- for ME!
I feel so much better knowing I’m not just being sensitive and that it would have made others feel the same.

Good for you for doing it for YOU, I've dumped men before now for constantly mentioning weight, in an ED survivor and won't put up with anyone triggering me.

He doesn't sound like good bf material to me OP. You need a bf who will raise your self esteem not trample it into the ground.

Just call him Pencil Dick or perhaps Tiny Cock

He stopped as soon as he realised it wasn’t funny to you, so I think YABU to still be upset. He’s also said you don’t really need to lose any weight and didn’t understand it was a sore point for you- which is an indirect apology.

Dont hold a grudge. It was a bad joke, but I don’t believe he had malign intentions.