To be upset by what my bf called me?

[Pooparific]

A few days ago I was having a really hard time emotionally and ate almost a whole cake to myself over the course of 2 days. It was the size of a banana bread tin and was about 4 portions. I felt so annoyed with myself but in the moment I was emotional, tired and just wanted all the carbs and sugar in the world to feel better. 😳
I know I need to lose weight, I’m 2 stone heavier than I was a year ago but I have been emotionally eating and I am starting a slimming world type thing next week.
fast forwards to last night and my partner has been calling me ‘cake arse’.
He thinks it’s really funny and said it a few times, but it really hurt me. When I told him how upset it made me, especially as I know and hate my body weight, he said ‘I was only joking, can’t you tell it was a joke?’.
he can’t understand why I’m upset. He thinks I’m being too sensitive but I don’t think I am. I wouldn’t dreams of saying that to somebody. Especially as he know how uncomfortable I am with my body the now.
So AIbu?
yes- I’m being far too sensitive.
no- he’s being an arse hole.

Exactly!

I understand that he has backtracked to say I don’t have a weight problem. But that is not an apology.
plus this is not the first time he has said something to upset me, then said it was a joke and called me sensitive and not apologised, only to later say ‘well you are xyz or not xyz’.
from what people have said here this is quite a nasty thing to do and I am not being upset unjustifiably.

Do you think your experience with weight and food could potentially be guiding some of your views on men and cheating?

I am not having a dig! I have just never ever known anyone to cheat because someone put on weight. Most men I meet do not care unless they are a teen or early 20s. (I meet A LOT of cheaters in my line of work who tell me exactly why they cheated).

I think it is not very helpful to make OP insecure by sharing your own insecurities that you get cheated on if you dont look a certain way. If that was true, how do we explain Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock etc etc etc. Fair play that you may have met some men like that. But we have no evidence to suggest that he isnt just sick to his back teeth of OP going on about her weight and actually doesn't care. Not everyone is obsessed with weight/food/being sexy.

OP, he may have been jesting in the first place. But it isn't OK to the keep it up when someone says they are upset. That's not cool.

I don’t know of any relationship where partners never ever say something that upsets the other. It happens. It’s going to happen.

The question is not did he say it and did it upset you, but did he intend to upset you (I think no) and did he stop when you told him it upset you (you’ve said yes).

Youre not being too sensitive in that I can see why it would upset you, but I think you are being too sensitive to stay upset. You think you need to diet, he thinks your weight is fine. He didn’t think/know you were insecure about your weight- he knows now.

From what you’ve said he’s not kept on making cake arse jokes has he? So he’s being mindful of your thin skin when it comes to your body and weight.

I don’t see a nasty person. I think some of the other posts are a bit hyperbolic if I’m honest the ones saying he thinks you are fat and is likely cheating on you because men are visual and so on. Those posts are just playing on your insecurities- your worst fears.

@5128gap I'd be grateful if you refrained from calling me daft. It was quite clear in OP that the OP expressly told her BF how hurtful she found his comments and he dismissed her feelings by telling her she couldn't take a joke and that's she's too defensive. So saying he doesn't know he's upset her and that's OK because he's a man and all men do that, really doesn't cut it for me. But hey, we're all entitled to our opinions

@CitizenofMoronia it very much came across, in both your posts, as if was YOU telling OP that it was her own fault for putting weight on and if she doesn't do something about it sharpish, she only has herself to blame if he cheats, because that's what men do. But again, you're entitled to your opinion and your choice on how you word it so it comes across the way you'd wish.

I said he may not have thought it would upset her when he said it. I said he may not understand why he'd upset her. Its a possible explanation for why a man who the OP clearly feels is overall decent enough to live with has been hurtful. It may not be the correct explanation, but its a possibility. And an explanation is not an excuse. Wading in to accuse me of making excuses for men on the basis of my simply offering another perspective, and then inventing that I said its OK (when I actually said he should learn from it and be more sensitive) in an attempt to suggest I'm an apologist for male bad behaviour is a bit daft imo because you didn't interpret my post correctly, and have extrapolated falsely from it.
The OP is best placed to decide if her bf is a horrible person setting out to deliberately hurt her who she should leave at once, or simply one who has made a mistake on this occasion. Personally I've little appetite for goading others to the worse possible interpretation of their loved ones motivations all the time. It has an unpleasant whiff of stirring the pot about it.

Personally I've little appetite for goading others to the worse possible interpretation of their loved ones motivations all the time. It has an unpleasant whiff of stirring the pot about it.

And at what point did I do this? I didnt goad OP into leaving but cautioned her to watch out for future behaviour, unless it was already an established pattern, which makes it abusive behaviour. I also didn't tell OP that it was ok because men don't realise what they say or how those words might hurt her, even when she explicitly said in her posts that she'd told him it hurt her and he accused her of having no sense of humour and was over sensitive. Which a lot of posters have decided to ignore and reinforced the suggestion that she is indeed overreacting and being overly sensitive because she has admitted to putting on 2st following giving birth and that she should quickly lose it or she'll be giving her bf the perfect excuse to cheat on her

As I said, you have your opinion and I'll have mine and let's desist from interacting anymore. Its boring me and we'll obviously never agree. Which is fine

He did know I was insecure. He knew full well that I was conscious of my weight gain, and disgusted with myself for eating all the cake. Like I said in my post above, he has done this before. Said something mean, then laughed and said it was a joke, said I’m over sensitive/ can’t take a joke and wouldn’t apologise.
mom taking a positive from this though, it’s given me the drive to lose weight. I have eaten within my calories today and it has been healthy except for the white bread on my sandwich. I’m not craving any sugar -yet!
I am now more determined than ever to get back to a body I am comfortable with. And as for him, if he keeps up the comments and obvious gaslighting (I can see it now), then I am done and he can naff off.
he isn’t exactly a fitness model so shouldn’t really have the audacity to comment at all.
thanks for all of the supportive posts. I feel so much better now. X

It wasn't kind but in the same situation I'd have replied with 'cake arse indeed: I'm having a really hard time this week : pass that Camembert out if the fridge and help me work on my cheese arse. Do you want some? Even better, can you go get some Stilton, sourdough bread and a bottle of port and I guarantee you'll have the best bedtime picnic with benefits ever!!!'
He's your boyfriend. Is he just insensitive or is he mean?
You can take his comments to heart or you can go with the flow. Only you know if he's malicious or if he's just insensitive. One merits an LTB, the other a 'meh, tell him to shape up and how much he hurt your feelings'.

This doesn't sound like a massive thing and I would try to let it go and continue your great lifestyle changes. If someone eats a whole cake, they can't get that upset if their partner makes a comment. You can't have your cake and eat it.