to not let DS have “girlfriend” in his room?

[Iatethelastcookie]

DS is almost 17, has been seeing a girl for about three months (17).

They met when she was dating one of DS friends. She saw them both for a while at the same time, and then apparently broke up with DS friend (although DS was always evasive when we asked him this direct!).

Fast forward a month and it transpires that they’re still seeing each other (DS told me this) but has told DH that they broke up and are just “pretending” to be together so their parents don’t find out. However we’ve been told two different stories, and that girlfriend is actually going on holiday for 2 weeks with her ex/current boyfriend in a couple of days (she says because she didn’t want to lose the money)…

DS says “well if she still wants me at the end of the holiday I’ll be delighted… but if she keeps seeing him I’m not going to stop seeing her because she makes me happy and she really likes me”. DS friend (quite obviously!) doesn’t know that she’s been seeing DS, and DS apparently can’t contact her whilst they’re away so I suspect that they are still together in some capacity.

Anyway - DS said she wanted to come over to our house before the trip. DH and I both very uncomfortable with this as we don’t want to condone it (but admittedly it bothers me more than DH!) However DS became very upset by this so we compromised and said she could come round for a couple of hours, but they would have to stay downstairs.

Both of them are unhappy with this and say “we’re old enough” so they should be allowed to have privacy in his room. We have told him we disagree and that when she is genuinely not seeing/pretending to date his friend then she will be welcome here, but until then he’s going to have to accept she doesn’t come over and spend time in his room.

DS is upset which is not nice to see and it’s made me doubt myself so I thought I’d get a consensus. Would you allow this in the circumstances?

YABU - they’re old enough and can decide for themselves
YANBU - no, it’s fine to say she can’t come
over

You're being unreasonable and far too involved in a 17 year olds relationship.

Make sure he knows all about safe sex etc. Set the boundaries you want so maybe she can't stay over if you're not comfortable. However just hanging out in his room would seem reasonable to me

I think you're NBU. It's your house. If it was a proper girlfriend then fair enough but I wouldn't feel comfortable enabling all of this to go on behind his friend's back. It's not about sex between them, it's about guiding him towards treating people the right way and that includes being honest in personal situations. It will stand him in good stead for adult relationships to know that it isn't seen as acceptable to do this kind of thing and that a lot of his society and family won't just be cool with it because it's what he wants to do. You're doing the right thing helping calibrate his moral compass. Ask him how does he think his friend would feel about all of this if you haven't already.

I think this is exactly where im coming from.

I have no intention of trying to stop them from seeing each other, but by the same token I don’t want to be condoning an affair in my house!

Your house your rules, he's not 18 and you do get to decide on visitors. However I think you should step away from the details of girls and who is seeing who, at 17 that's their business. Just stick to no girls upstairs unless we know her well enough to trust her.

Yanbu. Your house your rules. Don't bother getting involved in teenage romance dramas let them sort it out themselves

Your DS is clearly being led by his penis. I'd be telling him that too. Is he prepared to lose his friend because it is likely too once it all comes out. I'd be talking to your DS about self worth. Either he is good enough to go out with or he isn't. By hiding the relationship clearly the girlfriend thinks he's not good enough to go out with. I'd not be inviting her over to your house. I'd happily invite a proper gf over though.

Admittedly that may be a part of it. Personally I’d rather she wasn’t here at all but DS said they “needed to talk” which is why why we relented and said she could come over if they stayed downstairs.

However DH also said to me that he didn’t want a situation where she ended up pregnant and didn’t know who it belonged to…. Said tongue in cheek, but I suppose the point still stands.

DS knows he needs to take his own precautions though as this has been hammered into all of our DC. Repeatedly.

Poor friend - your son and this girl are behaving dreadfully. I’d be telling your son that you’re thoroughly ashamed of him for treating a mate like this. I wouldn’t be letting the girl around at all.

I would do the same. If it was a proper relationship it would be different.

We have both had the conversation with him on self respect. We’ve told him he’s being played. I’ve told him twice before that if she liked him that much, she wouldn’t be seeing another guy at the same time, or choosing a holiday over him. She wants to have her cake and eat it.

DS doesn’t see any of it and I’ve told him he’s seeing it through rose tinted glasses. But yes, he is 100% being led by his penis. That’s his choice (I’ve told him that). But he also can’t expect for us to allow their secret meet ups here when they won’t go anywhere else in case they’re seen!

(Our other two DC, also teens, have had their partners stay here with us multiple times, because they were in a proper committed relationship. They were treated like part of the family and could stay whenever they wanted)

I would be absolutely disgusted if a child of mine thought it was ok to deceive a friend like this and would tell them in no uncertain terms what I thought. I definitely wouldn't be helping with the cheating in any way.

They're teenagers, stay out of the drama they create for themselves. Give him the safe sex talk- including consent. Speak to her, say she's welcome to stay over and there's a sofa/bed available in another room if she wants to sleep seperately. If you get involved and negatively impact them they'll be having unsafe sex in unsafe places and your DS will stop talking to you so openly.

If it was OP’s daughter I’m sure people would be saying she ought to value herself more and kick the cheating boy into touch.

This, except at 17 he’s an adult. You can’t really be policing who he sees or where. I’d let him know I disapprove of what he’s doing to his friend, say I wouldn’t lie for him or her if asked to at any point and then stay out of it.

I wouldn't let her come over. If it were my son, I'd tell him that I don't condone affairs, so am not having her in my home.

Then have a talk with him about morality and not behaving in such a disgraceful way towards his friends.

Oh ffs it's not an affair, it's teenagers enjoying a bit of drama. I think it's weird to expect people to be in monogamous relationships at that age. Let them make their mistakes.

I preferred to teach my children some morals and how to be a good friend.

This.

Your house, your rules.
If they just want go talk & it’s a nice day, there’s parks of your garden if they want privacy.

IF you do let her come over and they’re upstairs the best thing you can do is have his bedroom door left open.

My friends did this with their son. It worked well.

Your instincts are telling you everything. Being a parent is very hard having to stand by and watch this girl playing the two lads but you are entitled to parent your child how you see fit.

They're teenagers who've been dating for a few months. Calling any of this an affair is absurd. An affair is infidelity when in a long term relationship or marriage.

They're two-timing, and someone might get hurt, they might not. But framing it in adult partnership terms is daft, and making more drama out of it than the teens seem to be.

Stop getting so involved in their teenage dramas.

You'll probably struggle to get reasonable responses here, OP.

MN is a place of Schroedinger's teenager; they're simultaneously far too old and mature for you to have any say whatsoever in whatever relationships they have or what they get up to in YOUR house, but at the same time they're babies who absolutely need parents to get involved in all sorts of stuff and "don't you know they can't reason properly until at least 25..!"

It's a bizarre place with regard to teens..,

YANBU.

Regardless of the circumstances of their relationship, if you don't want them in his room then you don't want them in his room. Just take the emotion out of it - it's your house, your rules, and the rules are that they stay downstairs. If they don't like it, they can go to her house or elsewhere.

I think you need to teach him how to be a better friend. He’s being an absolute arse to his friend by playing behind his back.