to not let DS have “girlfriend” in his room?

[Iatethelastcookie]

DS is almost 17, has been seeing a girl for about three months (17).

They met when she was dating one of DS friends. She saw them both for a while at the same time, and then apparently broke up with DS friend (although DS was always evasive when we asked him this direct!).

Fast forward a month and it transpires that they’re still seeing each other (DS told me this) but has told DH that they broke up and are just “pretending” to be together so their parents don’t find out. However we’ve been told two different stories, and that girlfriend is actually going on holiday for 2 weeks with her ex/current boyfriend in a couple of days (she says because she didn’t want to lose the money)…

DS says “well if she still wants me at the end of the holiday I’ll be delighted… but if she keeps seeing him I’m not going to stop seeing her because she makes me happy and she really likes me”. DS friend (quite obviously!) doesn’t know that she’s been seeing DS, and DS apparently can’t contact her whilst they’re away so I suspect that they are still together in some capacity.

Anyway - DS said she wanted to come over to our house before the trip. DH and I both very uncomfortable with this as we don’t want to condone it (but admittedly it bothers me more than DH!) However DS became very upset by this so we compromised and said she could come round for a couple of hours, but they would have to stay downstairs.

Both of them are unhappy with this and say “we’re old enough” so they should be allowed to have privacy in his room. We have told him we disagree and that when she is genuinely not seeing/pretending to date his friend then she will be welcome here, but until then he’s going to have to accept she doesn’t come over and spend time in his room.

DS is upset which is not nice to see and it’s made me doubt myself so I thought I’d get a consensus. Would you allow this in the circumstances?

YABU - they’re old enough and can decide for themselves
YANBU - no, it’s fine to say she can’t come
over

I think it's weird to expect people to be in monogamous relationships at that age.

That's all very well as long as everyone involved knows that it's not monogamous and agrees that it isn't. But that's not what's happening here. They are lying to the other boy, and requiring op and her family to go along with the lying.

I would be concerned about his lack of morality around cheating, even at this age. Knowing he is the sort of person who is happy to deceive his friend for the sake of having someone on tap for sex must be a real disappointment to you, and I wouldn’t be hiding that, or condoning it by allowing her in the house.

I might also shake him up a bit by telling him he needs to get a full STD screen, as the person he’s having sex with is also having sex with at least one other person.

I wouldn't be comfortable being complicit in this affair. They shag elsewhere, not under my roof. Their age is irrelevant, what they are doing is morally wrong.

If they were both free to see each other the situation would be different.

Its not an affair FFS they are 17 and it is teenage drama.

In your shoes I'd back off and leave them to it. If you're happy for him to have female company in his room then let him have her over. You say he knows about safe sex so at some point you have to trust and let him make his own choices.

Just stop asking about her and make polite, non-judgemental statements when he brings her up.

They're gonna do it somewhere. Your house is safe.

You can verbally tell him you think his behaviour is morally wrong, but the punishment for being morally out of order shouldn't be making them prey to a Zodiac Killer or be watched in a layby by some perv.

Well st some point they have to make their own moral decisions and they may not match our own.

It is your house your rules, but rules like this work best when they are simple binary ones rather than adding moral and ethical limitations to them. You are simply feeding the drama. And I would say making it more desirable.

if you allow girlfriends/boyfriends of your other children then that is the rule. He has made the d3cision and it is on him now to deal,with the consequences of betraying his friend

All drama but i wouldn't allow them upstairs together. They all sound very immature and I would hope using precautions.

I don't think you should be condoning a relationship which is no exclusive or honest. It's not a good precedent and will shape how he views what is and isn't acceptable behaviour in future relationships.

You should encourage him to have greater self esteem than accepting a relationship with someone who is unable to chose between him and someone else.

I completely agree with you. And I say the following tongue-in-cheek.
We can't stop our offspring growing up to be love-rats, cads, rotters whatever term you prefer. But we can refuse to collude with it.

You’re way wayyyy to invested in this.

you can have your say and give him the moral
stance but it’s hardly an affair - it’s teenagers getting to grips with relationships love loss and the mess that comes with it.

what you son learns from this situation will steer him for many years to come, you might be preventing him from life lessons he / they all need to learn by themselves.

what you son learns from this situation will steer him for many years to come

Quite. One of these lessons is that shagging your friend's girlfriend without his knowledge will not be approved by others. I think when he finally does grow up, he would feel unsure why his parents encouraged this by welcoming her round. Also because it isn't great for the self esteem, being one of several hoping to be picked.

Dear god. They’re 17! The judgment on this thread is ridiculous. It’s not an “affair” 🙄

Absolutely up to you if you let them share a room, as it’s your house. But back off from the gory details as to what’s going on. Your DS and this girl need to learn from their mistakes, on their own.

Everything aside, I don’t want teenagers having sex in my house. I don’t want to hear.

I 100% agree.

There is a reason we have social norms like not cheating on people (not talking about non-monogamy where everyone knows and is comfortable), and I think it's totally part of the OP's job as a parent to say - I can't stop you but I'm not tacitly approving it by making a place for you to do this in our house.

And tbh I don't really care how old OP's son is. If your middle aged brother was staying with you and was shagging his best mate's wife behind his back, I'd think you were completely within your rights to say you weren't going to be having that happen under your roof either.

Hilarious that people are calling this an affair 🤣

Genuine relationship at 17 then absolutely unreasonable to not allow GF in his room however I would be quite torn about this. Whilst he is old enough to do whatever he wants really I would feel awful about facilitating him doing something so awful to his friend. If he thinks it's OK now and you are ok with it then I think he potentially could be very untrustworthy at an older age.

I did some very dubious things at a similar age but I was really aware of how wrong it was and certainly wouldn't have brought other people into the cover up.

If they don't have sex at yours they'll be doing it potentially somewhere else less sensible, you got to let go OP, there's no need for you to be so involved. Love rarely lasts a lifetime at that age, let him live and learn and make his own mistakes. If he knows about safe sex then you've done your job.

100% this. Its one thing letting kids learn from their mistakes but there are limits on what is acceptable in my eyes. By not letting them in the house together is showing your feelings but what they do outside the house is up to him.

I am very relaxed about letting kids crack on, esp with relationships but I would make it known its a shitty thing to do.

If they don't have sex at yours they'll be doing it potentially somewhere else less sensible...

Same with drinking litres of cheap cider or smoking dope.

Best let them do that at your house, too, OP.

It’s your choice but my view is that a steady long term girlfriend/boyfriend should be allowed in the bedroom but a casual relationship shouldn’t and I would put this girl in the second category

If siblings are allowed partners in their rooms and overnight then I'm not sure it's reasonable to stop him from even going upstairs with her during the day.

I'd have a very clear chat with him about precautions, more so if he's sharing her, and the risk of (at least) one member of this triangle being badly hurt. That said then I think he needs to be allowed to get on with it and if it ends in tears that's his funeral.

Rule in this house when they lived at home was that they could have girlfriends/boyfriends in their rooms during the day*. Provided we knew them and had 'broken bread' together they could stay over in the same room. We were much less happy about the prospect of 'one night stands' and meeting a stranger on the landing when going for a leak at 04:00.

My own mother, pretty liberal on most things, was very tight about girls in my bedroom. I got a very severe talking to for having two 11 year old buddies from school in my room - just listening to music - when I was 12. I suspect a reflection of the morals of her own formative years. The idea that people my age thought nothing of going for a drink after work with a woman ( a colleague/friend) who was married to somebody else was almost beyond her grasp.

Apparently, well into the sixties, it was social death to be a woman alone in an alehouse never mind with a man you were not courting or married to..

At 17 I just let mine do what they wanted re "friends" upstairs. I'd rather they were safe under my roof

There's no certainty they will do either of those and if they did they'd most likely be doing it in a group and doing it at home is not much safer.

In contrast, personally, I think a pair of 17yos shagging in a layby are at different risks which can be alleviated by being at home.

....but yeah, my kid's safety would always trump my moral view.

Hahaha you're so right!!!! 😂😂😂