AIBU to want him to consider change of career for his kids

[Sunshineandtherain]

Ex partner left the family 6 months ago, completely his choice. He essentially just walked away without much of a thought for the three of us.

He works abroad in the music industry touring in a senior role . Always has and I always found it incredibly hard. I tolerated it due to the promises for the future and that he would stop. I went through two pregnancies alone and have pretty much raised our kids myself. They are young and one is still at nursery, one just started school. He used to be away for several months at a time but would come home and then I would actually get a little time to actually feel remotely human . Life felt so different having two parents present. It was rare but it gave me something to cling on to.

obviously things are changed in a huge way now. the thing that is really getting to me is, he thinks just rocking up when it suits him in his work schedule is perfectly acceptable. He will literally disappear for months on end and then announces when he will be back and would like to then see his children to ply with gifts and do fun stuff. I find it infuriating. I feel like I’m on my knees most days I’m just so exhausted. Is this really what I have to accept forever, that there will never ever be any kind of consistent parenting. I feel so unbelievably down. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually be a parent? He says he is parenting, I personally disagree. Apparently work is the priority. He misses the children’s birthdays, nearly all their school events etc, every anniversary, even his own sisters wedding.

I am not sure exactly what I am hoping to achieve with this post but just feeling very trapped and alone and like my life is still being controlled by his job. 15 years I tolerated being constantly abandoned. I feel like such a fool. I genuinely loved this man and I thought he wanted this family too. He was the one that was so eager to have children. I feel desperately sad for our children.

I don’t feel like I am asking a lot, a few days a month and I get told absolutely no can’t do it.

Maybe he could provide extra maintenance to pay for a mother's help/nanny/au pair so that you can get some time away from the kids occasionally. Someone else to sort their dinner or hang out the washing etc

You are 100% NBU to feel this way.

You’ve been dealt a shitty parenting hand and I’m sorry.

But…

You won’t change him, his job, or his commitment to parenting equally and playing fair at recognising your huge sacrifice and input vs his sporadic part-time effort. That’s totally pie in the sky, pigs might fly magical thinking.

So you have to work out how to make this work for you in a way that doesn’t involve his time or consistency, and that upholds your own boundaries, and that doesn’t disadvantage your DC.

I say again it is 100% unfair and total shit. But it is what it is and railing against it won’t ultimately make you feel better.

You need practical solutions that don’t involve his time or commitment.

Totally understand why you feel this way. My eldest sons (who’s all grown up) dad had a very successful career that took him across the globe. He didn’t have our son overnight until 9 years after we split up because of work. He was self employed, not from this country so child support was never on the cards either. I still allowed him to see our son as his work diary and our other plans allowed, yes it was infuriating when he turned up in new high end sports cars laden with gifts and inconvenient as I couldn’t rely he’d ever be around in advance but ultimately I wanted my son to have the opportunity at a relationship with his dad and if that’s all there was on offer it was better than nothing.

Yabu expecting to change career, you knew how it was when you met him, as did I. It’s a really raw deal but I think you’re probably just going to have to get on with it.

How old are your DC?

DS's dad has a similar level of involvement in his life despite not working away. It is absolutely infuriating and I still feel bitter.

I found the only way to cope was to expect nothing from him and sort out ways to survive and cope myself (extra nursery sessions to give me a break, childcare swaps with friends etc).

10 years on DS enjoys the limited time he sees his dad but knows that I'm the parent that is here for him when he needs me.

I'm sorry to say but I have to be honest, he isn't going to change, he loves himself and his lifestyle more than he loves anyone else.
Just go with the flow, your children will see him for what he is when they're older.
Ask him for extra maintenance for a nanny and a cleaner, that the least he could do. X

It's unfortunately the hand your dealt. He doesn't sound like he would be willing to compromise or implement any changes that would effect him.

If he says he is parenting then he should contribute financially by helping you to outsource help/care. Unless he expects to do nothing, live the high life and not provide in anyway and then call himself an amazing father 😂

Can’t see you getting him to change career, if you’re on good terms perhaps gently discuss if he could be home for birthdays etc if at all possible. Kids provably used to him being away and feel loved by him and be fine. You need to focus on lightening your load, extra childcare, cleaner, working part time, whatever you need. There are lots of families where the father works away and it’s just a case of arranging that extra support so you don’t end up too frazzled. Hopefully you getting some decent maintenance to help facilitate this?

It sounds as if you are simply the vehicle by which he gets to be a dad, the breed mare and nanny/ childminder.

Yes you could ask/blackmail him over it to get more respite yourself or money for a child minder/ nanny to give you a break if you think that will work.

How is your relationship him now? Is he kind and generous?

Go through the courts to get 50/50?

If it's full of resentment and anger then it may taint the relationship you have with your DC as angry mum fun dad.

I think you are right, he should find a career that fits in with his parenting responses better. But he isn’t going to is he. If he wasn’t prepared to do this when you were together, he is even less likely to now.

Sadly if it were going to happen, it would have happened before you split. Now, he's got even less incentive and more freedom.

I have a friend whose dad "glamorously" romped all over the world while the mum raised the kids. He puts his dad in the box "fun but crap".

It is small consolation, I know, but having one in school and one at nursery is a particularly challenging time. Fraught trying to do all the drop offs and pick ups to 2 settings with different parameters, fraught at home because little one wants attention while big one needs to do their reading. It will get easier,

I disagree he’s used her just to have children, it just sounds like expectations should have been discussed before having children. There are loads of happily married couples (military families, contractors etc) where quite normal for father to work away. It’s either something the wife tends to be fine with or not. It usually pans out that if she’s fine happy days and if she’s not her resentment ends up ending the marriage or he decides to quit his career

I'll never understand why men like this have children.

I'm actually more like him in that I think a successful career that involves a lot of glamour and travel beats "family life" hands down. The latter has no appeal for me in comparison, just like it obviously has no appeal for him. Which is why I built a life that involved glamour, travel and my passions - and no family time at all. Did he not think that option was available?

Ugh, what a useless excuse for a father he is, poor kids will know he couldn’t care less and will no doubt distance themselves from him as they get older. Unfortunately you can’t make him step up though, there’s no law that makes a man take responsibility for his kids and not neglect them, unless he’s the primary parent, which is rare of course.

There are plenty of happy wives and kids out there who have a parent who works away or lives abroad, the kids still feel loved, plenty of FaceTime etc and make up for lost time when parent is home. Often they get time off when they come home which means can do school runs, go on holiday and have time during the week with kids that some parents never get. For the other parent it’s not all misery if they are happy with the arrangement and have plenty of support. The extra income often enables them to just be part time so have more time for kids or if military the kids also get to access extra support such as trips organised by the base, youth clubs and special school clubs. It beats having to cope with a miserable partner/father who hates their job and life but comes home at 6pm each evening (usually too tired to do much anyway)

You chose to have children with someone with this career/lifestyle.
If you expected him to change on having children, you should have had that conversation before the first child.

I have a similar job as your DH. I probably know him as it’s such a small industry…

I see a lot of great dads/husbands, and lots of terrible ones on the road.

I do understand that his job involves insane amounts of travel, long hours, hard work - it’s not all galavanting around the world being glamorous, although it does have its moments. It’s very well paid, and very hard to stop doing and go back to a standard boring day job for less freedom and less money. Totally get all of this.

However…

If he hasn’t changed his lifestyle by now, he isn’t going to. It’s a bit like being institutionalised on tour, he is obviously someone who doesn’t want to be at home full time and he will always put his job before you and the kids. It’s unfair if he led you to believe otherwise.

There is no way of getting standard hours or taking set time off in this kind of job. You work when you are told, and it’s always evenings and weekends.

it’s also highly possible he has found someone else I’m afraid…

I wouldn't rush to make myself or my children available when he wants to swan in and play fun dad for a few days. He sounds like a waste of space. Not sure what benefit he brings to his DC's lives tbh.

It sounds like he has always preferred his career over his wife and children so now you have separated, I can’t see any chance of that changing.

Yanbu but there's no way you can change him.you don't have to drop everything to facilitate his flakiness either though so maybe just set a weekend a month he can see them and if he misses it he misses it. Set CMS based on never seeing them though so you get the cash to spend on help and actually use it for that.

Sympathy too, I've been the one left behind with the kids and it's relentless.

I mean YANBU to feel hard done by but I think you would be unreasonable to expect him to change career - this is what he's always done, even before you conceived. Surely it was always the deal?

YANBU X

I would start something that you get a real break when he is back. Long weekends etc where he has kids full time. You can catch up on life or sleep. He takes both kids - no accommodation? He can rent something.
Make it work as it won't change.

Thank you all for your responses it’s been really helpful reading through them. He really had promised he would stop touring soon and that he wanted to. He in fact has another business he runs in the uk and also has connections to work in the film industry. I guess it’s not even necessarily him changing jobs for good but maybe taking on less work and being present more for them.

I find it incredibly sad that after 3 months of being away he will only be home a week and then take off again. he does not stick around for periods of time he just fills in every moment with more work 😔.

in the last year he has spent a grand total of 13 days with his children.

And yes when home he has nowhere to live he rents air BnBs and basically takes them on days out or gets his mum or someone else to entertain them.

i agree with the above poster in that you have these decesions before having children. Maybe he’s not the kind of parent you want for your child, but that s the parent he is.