AIBU to want him to consider change of career for his kids

[Sunshineandtherain]

Ex partner left the family 6 months ago, completely his choice. He essentially just walked away without much of a thought for the three of us.

He works abroad in the music industry touring in a senior role . Always has and I always found it incredibly hard. I tolerated it due to the promises for the future and that he would stop. I went through two pregnancies alone and have pretty much raised our kids myself. They are young and one is still at nursery, one just started school. He used to be away for several months at a time but would come home and then I would actually get a little time to actually feel remotely human . Life felt so different having two parents present. It was rare but it gave me something to cling on to.

obviously things are changed in a huge way now. the thing that is really getting to me is, he thinks just rocking up when it suits him in his work schedule is perfectly acceptable. He will literally disappear for months on end and then announces when he will be back and would like to then see his children to ply with gifts and do fun stuff. I find it infuriating. I feel like I’m on my knees most days I’m just so exhausted. Is this really what I have to accept forever, that there will never ever be any kind of consistent parenting. I feel so unbelievably down. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to actually be a parent? He says he is parenting, I personally disagree. Apparently work is the priority. He misses the children’s birthdays, nearly all their school events etc, every anniversary, even his own sisters wedding.

I am not sure exactly what I am hoping to achieve with this post but just feeling very trapped and alone and like my life is still being controlled by his job. 15 years I tolerated being constantly abandoned. I feel like such a fool. I genuinely loved this man and I thought he wanted this family too. He was the one that was so eager to have children. I feel desperately sad for our children.

I don’t feel like I am asking a lot, a few days a month and I get told absolutely no can’t do it.

I think you have to face the fact that he always wanted to have his cake and eat it. He will never leave that lifestyle.

im sorry that you are left to pick up the pieces though it is highly unfair.

If he'd had a more child centred response to parenting then you wouldn't be in this situation. His approach sucks. Of course it's awful when they've committed to kids then found it all drastically inconvenient for their ambitions and just want to parent when it suits. I do get moments of frustration over these issues now and my children are a variety of school ages.
I don't have a solution but detaching as much as possible from constantly accommodating him. Give him say eow, but remembering half or more won't happen but keep yourself a load of your days set in stone, if he is suddenly free for eg on 'your' weekend just assert no, I need this time with them. Not being willing to commit to a regular pattern is on him as that will work for most kids as routine and reliability (turning up) is a basic need.

It does sound super rubbish for you that he is away quite so much and doesn’t seem to make much effort at all to try and be there a bit more. I agree if you’ve got a holiday booked with the kids then he shouldn’t be able to dictate you cancel plans etc but where possible would say still try and facilitate contact as even if just 13 days in 6 months then they’re no doubt extremely precious to the children. Many kids have a parent living abroad and wouldn’t see them much more than that face to face but still an important relationship to them and would be devastated if they didn’t have that. He should definitely be paying you as significant level of maintenance to help you get all the practical support you need. Must be hard if he’s just up and left when you’ve accepted the arrangement for so long.