My friend invited me to her wedding then called me in advance to let me know who I would be sat beside?

[blackcurrantsausage]

Both my friend and I went to post-primary school together. Once she graduated (a year before me), we didn’t keep in touch and naturally drifted apart. She invited me to her wedding last year by sending me an FB message to ‘save the date’ unofficially. When I seen she was engaged I reached out with well wishes and told her congratulations (as you do). I’ll admit I really wasn’t expecting an invite to the wedding because while we were friends, I personally didn’t see us as friends anymore.

My friend has depression and kind of isolated herself from a lot of her friend and now doesn’t have many. She invited me and one other girl from post-primary. The other friend is someone that I absolutely hate and have actively avoided for years. I was SA’d while we were in school and the other friend spread rumours I was making it up and lied about what happened. She made a traumatic time worse! Even after years of counselling I have still never forgiven the “friends” I had back then that made my life so much worse.

My friend called me today to let me know that the other girl RSVP’d yes and would be coming to the wedding but reassured me we wouldn’t be sat together. Relief! Instead, she told me I would be sat beside her brothers girlfriend… Her brothers girlfriend is an absolute wagon and had to be brought home from the hen party early (other friend didn’t go to hen) and neither my friend, her partner, or any of their intermediate family members like the brothers girlfriend and always speak poorly of her. I know the girlfriend through mutual friends and she’s a lunatic. I can’t truthfully say anything positive about her and the idea of having to sit beside her at a wedding seems more like a punishment, especially when her own in laws don’t even like her.

My friend has said she’s excited for other friend and I to come along and said we’re the only two friends she invited. Even though she spent the whole hen bitching about how the other friend didn’t go to the hen. As I said, I never thought we were close, my friend is a lesbian and I only found out through FB but she said the other girl was one of the first people she came out too. I feel like I was invited more for numbers and to make my friend feel like she has more friends.

The wedding is midweek and I don’t have two days to take off for an event I won’t enjoy & I also have a 10 day holiday 2 weeks after the wedding. Going would really stretch my budget. I feel a lot of pressure from my friend to go but I don’t want too especially after finding out the seating arrangement!

AIBU? I have said up until now I’d go even rescheduling my holiday until after but I really don’t want to. I know I will hate every minute of it & dream of going home! The weddings in August so I feel it’s enough notice.

I'd cancel.

To avoid drama I'd probably lie about it too e.g. can't get leave approved at work as colleagues have dates already approved.

My plan was to tell a white lie and put it down to not getting the dates off work but my friend would probably argue I knew a year in advance and encourage me to call in sick. I might try it anyways & hope for the best.

My other white lie was to say I was going for keyhole surgery (which is scheduled for August just not the date of the wedding) & wouldn’t be able to attend as I’d be recovering from it.

I just hate telling lies even white lies! But by no means is the truth an option here.

You can't get leave. Yes you did know about it a year ago but you thought you'd have plenty of time to book leave. So sorry. My mistake blah blah blah. Send a lovely gift.

Tell her you have covid the day before.....she's not worth it.

Don't do this. It's a really shitty thing to make her post for your place knowing you won't go

I'd also say I couldn't get leave from work

God no, bail. I wouldn't even care what excuse I used. Ebola, house blew up, mauled by a polar bear, boil on my arse turned septic. Get fucked with yourself I am not going.

PAY for your place thanks autocorrect

It depends - if the only reason you don't want to go is because you'll be sitting next to this random person then can't you just ask to sit by someone else, even if you don't know them?

it's not clear if you actually RSVPd yes and now want to change your mind once you found that out, which seems a bit strange (who did you think you'd sit next to other than the only 2 people you've met?) is a bit unfair (but I would still probably do it, given that you clearly don't wat to go and aren't particularly good friends with the bride). Or if you haven't actually said anything either way yet, in which case I would 100% just say no.

I think the keyhole surgery is a good excuse, just say 'sorry it clashes with my surgery,' it's not even a lie, it makes sense to save your leave around the surgery dates in case you need extra time to recover, plus the date might be moved last minute so wise to keep the weeks either side as free as possible.

What do you mean, she’s a ‘wagon’?
Just decline; I doubt she would mind..

Yep, say you have covid a day or two before.

Definitely go with surgery. Say the date has been moved forward due to a cancellation

I'd tell her the truth. That you hate that person and she spread nasty rumours about you and you're not prepared to sit next to her.

What do you mean, she’s a ‘wagon’?

Dont know if it's used in UK too but we say it in Ireland for a difficult person or a not so nice person. Usually women. I've heard people call children a wagon too but that's a much more lighthearted way.

Absolutely do NOT do this!!! The couple will have paid a bloody fortune by this point (2 days before!) for all the guests food etc. It's incredibly rude to just lie like this.

OP...tell her now that unfortunately you can no longer attend, but you wish her a wonderful day. Then send a nice card and a gift nearer the time.

There's no need at all to give any reason if you don't want to. But please...give her plenty of notice so that she can, if she wishes, offer your place to someone else (or at least not waste around £70 or more on your place!)

I wouldn't go. If you never need to see them again just tell the truth. Or if you might have to see them sa surgery been moved.

Say*

I would definitely get an excuse in now rather than ducking out at the last minute. Saying you are having surgery is ideal. Life is too short & you won’t see your friend at the wedding anyway. I’ve been invited to a wedding for the numbers before & I really wish I hadn’t gone!

Firstly, she’s not a very nice person. She speaks poorly of others and is quick to comment on people’s appearance and put them down. She’s also fake and will purposely go out of her way to compliment them. It goes beyond me!

She’s quite manipulative as a person. I’ve seen it happen with our own mutual friends, but also from hearing stories about how she treats her boyfriend. Her family have told me very wild stories and even used the word abusive to describe her. She once put a pill in my friends drink for a “laugh” before..

So she’s a complete wagon sober but when she’s drunk it’s amplified. At the hen, she decided to drink before and a bit more than everyone else. By the time it came to the meal she was unable to sit up or keep herself together, vomitting on her dress, and crying for her boyfriend. Just before this she was licking everyone’s faces, telling them she loved them and they’re the best in laws, and when the bride to bes sister called her boyfriend to come and collect her, she attacked the sister and said she’s a ‘little bitch that ruins everything’ and got very aggressive towards her. To put it light, she caused a scene until she physically couldn’t stand.

I’ve no idea why the boyfriend and her are still together and neither do the family, but I know my friend was forced to invite her by her brother to keep the peace. When my friend, her partner and I all met up for a few drinks we spoke about how bad she was as a person.

So, it seems like being sat beside her is the biggest form of punishment more than anything. She can’t handle her drink & will more than likely end up the same way on the wedding. I’ve been around her a few times while she was drunk & she’s always been the same.

Do you get much out of this friendship anymore OP?

You don’t want to go … stop dressing it up in “Wagons” “lunatics” and Hen dos.

It’s a bit shitty to pull out this late, when you have said you will go, and you have been on the Hen.

The least you can do is to be honest, with the Bride … you’re not particularly bothered about the friendship (if you were you would be going regardless of who you were sat next to)

It was my final straw! I haven’t seen the other friend invited since post-primary. If she was on the same path, I’d cross to the other side of the street to avoid her. If she was in the same bar, I’d leave that bar. She made my life an absolute living hell and despite going to counselling for several years, I have never managed to forgive her (and our other “friends”) or get over what she done to me back then. They refused to give statements to the police, said I was “making it up”, and my case was dropped due to insufficient evidence. We were at a festival when the assault happened and I had the key to our tent, they brought my stuff home but kept money and other belongings belonging to me. They then spread rumours around town about me and I lost that entire friend group within weeks of being SA’d. Months later the results and report came back & showed their was evidence of SA but there still was no eye witnesses or statements to prosecute. So, being truthful, the last person I’d ever want to be around is her. If it was a family wedding and I found out she was invited and attending, I also wouldn’t go. My friend and her partner are aware of the above and reassured me that we wouldn’t be sat together but presumed since she didn’t attend the hen she wouldn’t attend the wedding.

I haven’t received my official invite with the RSVP as they’re hand delivering them rather posting (not within their budget), only my save the date on FB. I have orally said I would be going but hearing today that both the other girl is going as well as who I’d be sat beside really was too much. If you asked me what my idea of hell is, I’d probably respond with this wedding!

You obviously don't want to go, that very clearly comes across, you no longer see her as a friend, thats all fine, but you need to let her know ASAP, either be honest or make something up, but do it soon.
I think if it were me, I'd contact friend and ask if you can be sat somewhere else, if she says yes, I'd go, and suck it up , if she said no, say unfortunately you're not prepared to spend anytime with this person, and unfortunately you'll have to decline the invitation, if you don't go, she'll be pissed off, but you're not friends, so it really won't affect your life.

I didn’t see her as a friend and was surprised by the wedding invite. Since receiving the wedding invite it prompted us to keep in touch and we have the odd call here and there so I would now reconsider her a friend.

I have a big concious and feel as if I don’t go I would be letting her down. Her partner profusely thanked me for attending the hen and said my friend hasn’t many friends but was glad I could show up. I was her only friend that showed up to the hen. I went out of my way to make then hen by coming back from a business trip early, I missed the day part but joined for the meal onwards.

My friend hasn’t really any friends. She can’t drive and is on disability so spends most of her time at home with the dog alone. She lives rurally so unless people can drive she’s not the most accessible person. Her partner has two kids and works full time to bring in an income for them all so she plays mum a lot of the time to her kids. She is a lovely girl who is harmless but she has let her depression and anxiety take a lot of life away from her, but she does nothing to try and help herself either. In a way I feel empathy towards her because there’s nothing worse than feeling alone.

I could ask to be moved elsewhere but the other issue is the other girl going. Yes, the bride to be is my friend, but not even a family members wedding would make me change my mind about being in the same room as the girl!

Yeah I think I’m going to go with the surgery excuse. It’s a white lie but true! The chances are if things do go wrong I wouldn’t be able to attend the wedding anyways.

I must be a soft touch but I think I’d still go to the wedding as I’d just feel a bit sorry for her. Poor woman, she only has two friends to invite to the wedding and at least one of them doesn’t want to be there. It’s really sad.

I’d ask to be sat somewhere else though, rather than next to wagon girl.