My friend invited me to her wedding then called me in advance to let me know who I would be sat beside?

[blackcurrantsausage]

Both my friend and I went to post-primary school together. Once she graduated (a year before me), we didn’t keep in touch and naturally drifted apart. She invited me to her wedding last year by sending me an FB message to ‘save the date’ unofficially. When I seen she was engaged I reached out with well wishes and told her congratulations (as you do). I’ll admit I really wasn’t expecting an invite to the wedding because while we were friends, I personally didn’t see us as friends anymore.

My friend has depression and kind of isolated herself from a lot of her friend and now doesn’t have many. She invited me and one other girl from post-primary. The other friend is someone that I absolutely hate and have actively avoided for years. I was SA’d while we were in school and the other friend spread rumours I was making it up and lied about what happened. She made a traumatic time worse! Even after years of counselling I have still never forgiven the “friends” I had back then that made my life so much worse.

My friend called me today to let me know that the other girl RSVP’d yes and would be coming to the wedding but reassured me we wouldn’t be sat together. Relief! Instead, she told me I would be sat beside her brothers girlfriend… Her brothers girlfriend is an absolute wagon and had to be brought home from the hen party early (other friend didn’t go to hen) and neither my friend, her partner, or any of their intermediate family members like the brothers girlfriend and always speak poorly of her. I know the girlfriend through mutual friends and she’s a lunatic. I can’t truthfully say anything positive about her and the idea of having to sit beside her at a wedding seems more like a punishment, especially when her own in laws don’t even like her.

My friend has said she’s excited for other friend and I to come along and said we’re the only two friends she invited. Even though she spent the whole hen bitching about how the other friend didn’t go to the hen. As I said, I never thought we were close, my friend is a lesbian and I only found out through FB but she said the other girl was one of the first people she came out too. I feel like I was invited more for numbers and to make my friend feel like she has more friends.

The wedding is midweek and I don’t have two days to take off for an event I won’t enjoy & I also have a 10 day holiday 2 weeks after the wedding. Going would really stretch my budget. I feel a lot of pressure from my friend to go but I don’t want too especially after finding out the seating arrangement!

AIBU? I have said up until now I’d go even rescheduling my holiday until after but I really don’t want to. I know I will hate every minute of it & dream of going home! The weddings in August so I feel it’s enough notice.

Sorry for what you’ve been through, can’t imagine how horrible that just have been with a girl spreading rumours at that time too.

Bur honestly, I’d not go to a wedding to someone I didn’t consider a friend. Just because the bride doesn’t have any other mates it doesn’t mean you need to take time off, spend money, or being around people who have been horrible to you.

I don’t know what post-primary is and I don’t know how old you are but if I got an invite from someone after not having spoken to them in approx 10 years I’d feel almost annoyed and offended. Why should you make up your numbers?

I agree! They’re not financially well off & it would feel really disrespectful towards them both. I’d leave them out of pocket with money they don’t even have (they’ve financed the wedding).

My plan is to wait until I receive my official invite (either this weekend or next) so I can RSVP appropriately. This will leave them with enough notice before numbers are finalised and sent to the hotel. I’ll PM both my friend and her partner & let them know I have surgery the week of and won’t be able to attend as it can’t be rescheduled. I’ll offer to take them out for dinner after the wedding once things have settled down for them.

They are going to Amsterdam for their honeymoon and I already have organised some their gifts i.e. Eyemazy (they wanted to do this but said it was too expensive), a private canal cruise, & even paid for a hotel upgrade, breakfast included all days, with champagne and chocolates on arrival. Her partner is aware as she provided me (reluctantly) with the hotel details & dates they were away that would suit for things. I know nothing will really replace me going to the wedding but I feel like making sure they’ve a good honeymoon might help a bit (or selfishly relieve some of my own guilt anyways).

Please don't do this op. She's probably paying £50+ per head for your meal!

Jesus OP I am so so sorry you had to deal with so much shit at such a young age.

To be honest I'd have probably refused the moment I knew the other friend would be there, people say you can put a brave face on and bla bla but unless you have been scarred for life by someone's heinous treatment at such a young age, you don't know the impact of being in the same room as them. I dont hold grudges but I don't think I could muster up the wellbeing to be around someone like that. You're a much stronger woman than I!

You won't enjoy this wedding, you'll get a lot of people saying to go regardless but life is too short OP and it's ok to bow out of something that's just a waste of time and a head fuck dressed as a special event.

White lie, or just tell her it's not her it's you (lol).
Definitely do not get guilted into going!

(Also a part of me got so emotional reading your posts about your younger years that I just wanna give you a big hug and say 'fuck those ho*es!')

The truth is always flexible depending on the situation. Especially considering the security services couldn't do what they do if their were absolutes

Honestly, you sound like you are at primary school!! I wouldn't want you at my wedding if you can't suck it up and sit beside someone you don't like.

Post primary would be high school or secondary school (12-18).

I think it comes from a place of knowing what it is like to have no friends & feel alone that I feel obligated to be her friend. My siblings would’ve always encouraged to befriend the person alone on the playground or being picked on, and I’ve kept that mentality all through life!

Both my friend and I are 24. We’re both quite young and finished school 6-7 years ago. Her partner is older with kids so they were happy to settle. I suppose I’m the other spectrum of 24 where the idea of getting married now is laughable!

I wasn’t really offended or annoyed by the invite initially as I had no intention of going but gradually felt roped into it as we “rekindled” our friendship & realised how alone she actually is. Like the other girl is not exactly kind to her and cancelled last minute on the hen for an event she knew about months in advance but my friend was happy to forgive her because she couldn’t really afford to lose her as a friend, even though she’s a far cry from a friend!

We all presumed she wouldn’t be going to the wedding as she kind of ghosted my friend & then never attended the hen party, so I thought I was in the safe until today!

Big love and hugs for your kind message ❤️

Definitely will be RSVPing no!

😂 I don’t enjoy weddings anyhow so I’d only be delighted to never see another wedding invite again! You’re doing me a big favour Old Grey Goose x

I'm sorry to say but is she really your friend if she is still friends with the person who did all of that to you?

People are allowed to be in different friendship groups but if I knew a friend was still friends enough to invite a person to their wedding and that person had done all of that to me it would immediately be the end of the friendship.

Like the fact you even had to worry about being sat near them is mind boggling.

We talk a lot about the male expectations for relationships being on the floor but I really feel many of us have such low expectations for friendships. You deserve better op xx

Did you only organise all those gifts, or did you pay for them too?! If you did pay and are saying you'd struggle to pay for your own holiday... You need to learn about budgeting appropriately

It suits her that you're suddenly friends again - but what are you getting out of the 'friendship'?

To clarify, I organised and paid for the gifts as a honeymoon present. I was recently in Amsterdam and arranged for it all while I was over (and paid upfront). I’m fortunate to travel with work & their honeymoon present was my only real expense on that holiday.

I have savings and budget each month accordingly. I try not to dip into my savings and anything that exceeds my budget “puts me out” financially, but by no means am I frugal with my money. It wasn’t until I adopted this mindset that I started to save!

My holiday was booked and planned before I knew about the wedding. I knew about the wedding a year in advance but as I was undecided about attending I didn’t really factor anything besides a wedding present into my budget (& I knew I could dip into my savings if I needed too).

What I didn’t factor in was the keyhole surgery. I won’t be taking annual leave during this period so the time I have off will be unpaid. I might apply for illness benefits during this time as I will be medically certified but I can’t imagine it would be a lot! The surgery’s also not in my hometown so I have to cover the cost of surgery, fuel, & hotel for the person accompanying me as I won’t be able to drive home. Unexpected expenses!

So I rather save the £500+ I would spend on and at the wedding toward something I would really enjoy, and see the wedding as “putting me out” financially.

It just seems like a friendship based on a bit of shared history and pity. Sometimes you have to accept that a friendship isn't working.

That's a rally shitty thing to do. Just because you don't want to sit next to someone. Its a few hours, not a few days.

Stop with all the lies!

You’re in this mess because you pretend to be kind/nice etc. If you were honest in the first place, you’d be well rid of all of them by now. Fake friends are the worst and you clearly despise hen party friend for exactly those reasons!

Stop being so afraid to tell the truth, that their comments hurt you deeply when you were younger and that you can’t get past this.

As an adult, you don’t have to be friends with anyone you don’t actually like and respect.

If you really don’t want to go to the wedding, tell her now and deal with it.

Being an adult means growing up and standing up for yourself.

Lots of people here suggesting lying. I’d tell the truth: you didn’t really want to go and having to sit next to this wally is the final straw so no thanks.

Sounds horrendous. I wouldn’t go. As you say, she’s not someone you even consider a friend. I’d definitely back out now to give her time to invite someone else. Either be truthful and say you can’t stand the other people you mentioned and it’s a deal breaker for you. Or tell a white lie and say your surgery has been changed to the wedding day or just before.

It's a wedding, can you not just go and ooh and ahh over the beautiful bride. It couldn't be that much of a hardship to sit beside someone who you describe as a "wagon" and presumably you'll be eating and listening to speeches for much of the time.Think of your friend and share in her day.

Just send something like this:
https://cardgallery.co.uk/products/wedding-card-invitation-response-grey-flowers-hearts-regret?_pos=5&_sid=5a1f4c956&_ss=r

Just because she invited you doesn't mean you have to attend. It's not an order.

Exactly this.

Just tell her your work have cancelled your leave (as it's their right to do). Make up a story about why they can't let you off (colleague needing an operation and not enough staff in as so many others are out of the country on holiday, you're the only one available?)

That said, you'd only be sat with this woman for a couple of hours at most. One table at our wedding managed to get well and truly pissed in this time, but that was because there were a certain number of bottles per table but lots of non-drinkers too, so the drinks were all consumed by 2 people. Once the sit down reception was over the table dispersed. Just because you're sat next to her doesn't mean you have to engage with her or stick with her all day.

In your case I'd happily come across as rude if it meant she didn't talk to me!

WhatNoRaisins · 19/06/2023 21:46
It just seems like a friendship based on a bit of shared history and pity. Sometimes you have to accept that a friendship isn't working.”
This. Tell her you have changed your mind, won’t be attending, wish her every happiness and get on with your life.

This doesn't need to be difficult.

Just RSVP no. You don't need to make up excuses or justify yourself. You don't want to go, so don't go.

I'd RSVP no and tell the truth if asked.

Not about the wagon (never heard that before!) but about how upset you'd feel seeing the person who made your life so much more difficult after SA.

If the bride is your friend she will understand and if she's not your friend you've lost nothing.