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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my ex taking dc abroad?

32 replies

PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 11:31

Yes another one of these threads!
We have two dc, 5 and 3. We've tried to make our relationship work but it won't so we've separated and do not live together.
For months now he has had a holiday booked to Cyprus with our dc and his family. Which initially I was on board with. But over the last 8 months or so he has treated our eldest boy differently. Horribly. Hes a very lively, mischievous boy. Once my ex was getting him dressed, dc was resisting and ex purposely scratched his neck. Another occasion, same scenario he put the arms of his pyjamas tight around his neck to stop him being naughty. This marked his neck. Another time not so long ago, again he can't stand the mischief (they have to do as he says or he gets angry then ignores them for hours), dc was annoying his little brother - as they do! Twice he picked older dc up by his arms and THREW him on the sofa. I told him that's not acceptable his response "he deserves more than that". Just this weekend older dc was being his crazy self and showed ex his bum. Ex kicked him and shouted "you don't do that." These are just some examples.

He completely ignores him, doesn't play with him, no positivity towards him what so ever. Older dc has picked up on this and is withdrawing from his father and doesn't want to go abroad. Ex is not nasty to younger dc in fact he dotes on him which makes older dc sad. He's said to me "why doesn't daddy love me, why is daddy only mean to me."
Now for a different kind of negligence. They have both been sunburnt, both been hurt as he's not capable of parenting. When younger dc was 2 he let him walk around with a glass which broke a made a very deep cut on dcs foot. There is still a deep indentation to this day. Young dc was in the pushchair NOT STRAPPED in, decided to run down a hill, dc fell out badly scraping his face. He drinks hot drinks around two lively boys, leaves them unattended in a bath. Despite me constantly watching and telling him. He's cruel, he's negligent, it's never ever his fault, ever. This word is bounded around lots these days but he is a true narcissist.

So aibu that I do not want my dc in his care, thousands of miles away for 10days? I don't trust him. He's a great Disney Dad but actual parenting, words fail me.

For those who may ask why I had children with this man. He has an older son in his 20s who he seemed amazing with. But after doing a bit of digging it turns out he abandoned him and 6 weeks old and the courts took away any rights to custody.

I am seeing a solicitor soon to get a letter drawn up to say he is not to take my children abroad. Am I doing the right thing? My head says yes, protect your children at all costs.

Sorry for the ramble!

OP posts:
clpsmum · 19/06/2023 11:49

Yea I agree with you I wouldn't let my children go anoraks with a man like that. Agree you need to see a solicitor and take legal advice

hoplittlebunnys · 19/06/2023 11:55

The holiday is the least of your worries. I wouldn't want him having unsupervised care of your son full stop. Your ex is physically and psychologically abusive to your 5 year old son. Your poor little boy, please do everything you can to protect him from this.

Alibaba87 · 19/06/2023 12:01

You are right, that’s abuse. Maybe document any of these instances and take photos of any body marks too if they appear again.

LikeAnOldFriend · 19/06/2023 12:05

I know this must be a very difficult situation for you and I understand how scary it might be to address these things - but if the things you've written are happening to your 5 year old son, they are completely unacceptable and this needs to be about more than the holiday.

What you've listed here sounds to me like instances of serious abuse and can't be allowed to continue.

Is there anyone you can talk to to support you through addressing this? Maybe some other posters will have more specific knowledge of places to go for help but I imagine NSPCC helpline might be able to offer some insight?

Conkersinautumn · 19/06/2023 12:11

He used pj's around a child's neck to hold them still? He wouldn't have any contact at all as a result of that one act if it were my kids.

jellyminelli · 19/06/2023 12:13

Why the fuck haven't you called the police?

He tried to strangle your son and assaults him on a regular basis.

Original poster
PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 12:13

It is that I agree and that is why I have decided he's not seeing them unsupervised from now on. I will protect my children with everything I have.

He says I "namby pamby" them. No, I have shouted, I have told them they won't get such and such. But I explain to them why what they did was wrong, how it makes the other person feel, positive reinforcement I guess, the we hug, draw a line under it and move on. If they misbehave he's just horrible with them ignores them as punishment while playing the victim. He actually makes me sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 12:17

As I said I have an appointment with a solicitor next week. If I need further help I'll get it no hesitation. No way is he seeing my boys unsupervised. Never.

OP posts:
towriteyoumustlive · 19/06/2023 12:28

And what did the police say when you reported his acts of violence against your children?

What are his family like? Can they be trusted to supervise the children?

You can't take a child out of the country unless you have permission from everyone who has parental responsibility, so if you say no then he cannot take them abroad.

Don't forget that you would not be able to take them abroad either, just in case you were planning any holidays abroad in the next 15 years... (unless he doesn't have parental responsibility then you don't need permission!).

He can also apply to the court to get permission to take them abroad on holiday.

Who holds the children's passports?

ladycarlotta · 19/06/2023 12:29

you need to document all this. You actually need to call the police. Do you have any documentation of his strangling your five-year-old? That would have been it for me. All of what you've said is serious abuse and I would say you need to do a lot more than just speak to a solicitor.
I totally understand that when you are in the midst of this, especially with someone very controlling and manipulative, you may not see precisely how wrong it all is. But let the replies on this thread be permission to TRUST YOUR FEELINGS ON THIS ONE. It's terrible and you know it. If he's strangled your child once he'll do it again. If he's emboldened to keep doing it, he'll end up killing him. This is not an overstatement.

jellyminelli · 19/06/2023 12:35

"As I said I have an appointment with a solicitor next week."

So what? Why are you putting off calling the police?

Squeaky2023 · 19/06/2023 12:39

This really is a police matter.

Original poster
PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 12:40

I'm in NO WAY defending this "man" but i think my description was misrepresented. He didn't try to strangle him he put the arms of the pyjamas around the back of his neck in his attempt to reprimand him. Not around the front. Yes that's bad enough but if he tried to actually strangle him then he'd have been in custody within the hour as God is my witness.

I have their passports and I've even considered getting them revoked. I'm not at all bothered about taking them abroad, there are many beautiful places in this country.

I have documented everything. I feel terrible, awful like I allowed this to happen. But I think I was manipulated myself into believing it was no big deal. But it is and it has stopped.

He's cold, no heart. I've just remembered when our youngest was born, he ignored him, wouldn't touch him, let alone look at him. I asked him if he actually loves his baby. His answer "well he doesn't do anything yet".

OP posts:
HicLocusEst · 19/06/2023 12:43

He won't be able to leave the country without your consent. You don't need a solicitor for that.
You do need a solicitor to prevent unsupervised access. Ever again.

I also agree this is a police matter.

underneaththeash · 19/06/2023 12:44

Leaving a mark on a child is assault and if that happens again you need to call the police. He sounds awful and he probably shouldn't be having unsupervised contact.

However, if he's being naughty, you need to parent him properly. Sounds like the "positive reinforcement" doesn't work.

Neverinamonthofsundays · 19/06/2023 12:52

He has kicked him and thrown him on the couch and you have not called the police?

Podcats · 19/06/2023 12:53

The thing is OP. If you wait until you are trying to prevent him from going on holiday with children to bring up these incidents of abuse, you will likely not be believed. A court would have expected a competent mother to have reported the abuse to the police/social services. If all of this has actually happened then you should be contacting social services immediately. If you do speak to a solicitor about child abuse they are likely to be duty bound to report it anyway.

jellyminelli · 19/06/2023 12:53

"Yes that's bad enough but if he tried to actually strangle him then he'd have been in custody within the hour as God is my witness."

No he wouldn't. You're not protecting them. He scratched your child on purpose, he held a strap around his neck so tight it marked him. He threw him across the room. He kicked him.

He neglects them. He assaults them. You told us but you won't tell the police.

As God is my witness? What a load of shit. Go to the police station and report the abuse.

Original poster
PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 12:59

You're right, you are. I'm on it. Thank you.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 19/06/2023 13:00

You are ACTUALLY asking if you’re doing the right thing??

FarmGirl78 · 19/06/2023 13:08

I wouldn't want anyone, father or not, to have supervision or even contact with a child he has tried to strangle. I have no idea why you didn't stop contact and report this incident to social services and police immediately. Doesn't matter whether this is on the other side of the world of in the next Street - you need to address this.

This is assuming that your Son is truthful about these events. You do come across as labelling your child misbehaving in a 'boys will be boys' sort of way. This doesn't for a second excuse his Dads treatment of him, but your careful your aren't being namby-pamby with them. Using words like Lively/mischievous/crazy is a downward slope to your kid being the one that everyone else at school can't stand because they're just a pain in the arse.

Just please don't let this man anywhere near your children again before you've spoken to SS and the Police.

Original poster
PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 13:09

As I said I'm on it. Today. I was just looking for a little reassurance. I'm disabled and live in rural Yorkshire so I just needed others opinions and reassurance as its all quite isolating.

OP posts:
Original poster
PositivelyPlacid · 19/06/2023 13:13

He did not try to strangle him as I have reiterated. And I'm not condoning this behaviour.

Yes my children are a handful and it maybe me being too soft. I don't know. But I will be taking action.

OP posts:
jellyminelli · 19/06/2023 13:18

"Once my ex was getting him dressed, dc was resisting and ex purposely scratched his neck. Another occasion, same scenario he put the arms of his pyjamas tight around his neck to stop him being naughty. This marked his neck. Another time not so long ago, again he can't stand the mischief (they have to do as he says or he gets angry then ignores them for hours), dc was annoying his little brother - as they do! Twice he picked older dc up by his arms and THREW him on the sofa. I told him that's not acceptable his response "he deserves more than that". Just this weekend older dc was being his crazy self and showed ex his bum. Ex kicked him and shouted "you don't do that.""

Imagine kicking a 5 year old, pulling a length of material so tight on his precious little neck that you mark it. Throwing him and saying it's the bare minimum he deserves, scratching his neck?

Notice it's always the neck. This pathetic excuse for a man is dangerous. One day he'll grab them too hard, take it even further. He will kill them.

BodegaSushi · 19/06/2023 13:21

He started showing signs of abusing your children 8 MONTHS ago? And he's still seeing them? Tbh if I were him it would look like you're only bringing it up now as the holiday is coming up. Because if there were issues for so long surely they would have been brought to light by now?