To think my children aren’t manageable?

[Thehonestbadger]

I have a full of beans 2yo who is in to everything and not listening to me.
I also have an autistic 3yo who is completely non verbal, has very low understanding of the world around him, is massive for his age (110cm 22kg size of a 5/6yo) and is a runner!
He is very high needs and needs a lot of physical care and reassurance wants to be held all the time and screams constantly.

I just can’t manage them together. I can’t. I’ve tried wrist straps, pushchairs, reigns…etc I just end up dragging one of them around like a dog chasing after the other. Often literally dragging them along the floor because they’ve decided to throw themselves down and the other has taken off. The 2yo I can pick up and carry the 3yo I struggle so hard. He’s half my size!

I can’t take them anywhere or do anything. It terrifies me. 3yo is great with buckles and straps so can escape almost anything including the pushchair.
Both grandmas worked in childcare their whole lives and have said ‘we can’t deal with them they’re unmanageable together‘ they’re willing to take 2yo DD because honestly she’s much more pleasant to have but then I get stuck 24/7 with DS who is very challenging.

I’m definitely depressed.

DH is out working 60+ hours a week and revising for a professional exam in September so I’m just on my own a lot.

I feel awful. I can’t manage my kids. My DD suffers a lot with lack of attention or being able to do stuff because of DS. I’m always scrambling for help from family which isn’t forthcoming and everyone struggles so hard.

*we do have a nursery but DS can only attend limited sessions

Speak to health visitor 🙏

I'm really sorry OP. It doesn't sound manageable to me. Do you expect your husband to be more available once he's passed his exams? I don't think his work pattern is realistic long term if your 3 year old has such complex need. In the meantime can you sit down together and plan out how to take the pressure off you regularly- is there a respite service, could a grandma take a child each, even for v short bursts?

Have you got a garden? Can you just keep them at home and set up activities and let them run? Perhaps lower expectations and stay in?

Will the older one go in a buggy? Can you contact your local sling library for a toddler sling for the youngest. I still carry my 4 year old at times in a lenny lamb preschool carrier. But at 2 years old she was carried all the time - we never bought a pushchair.

At that age managing two is a minefield anyway so don’t beat yourself up about it! Try and figure out ways you don’t have to take them everywhere, not to restrict them but just kids don’t need to go shopping etc, or you can plan a certain way so everything you need is eg bought in one go or make arrangements for the one day your dh gets a day off you post stuff etc. and see if the gps can take one, you take the other for fun times such as the library, soft play etc. hugs op, you have additional challenges to some of us but we’ve all been there, you’ll look at it in the future and realise you were superwoman! X

I’m in a very similar predicament op so can relate entirely 4yo non verbal autistic adhd not even certain what’s happening in September he’s on a ehcp currently one thing I will say is since he turnt 4 there has been improvements in his behaviour DD also non verbal nearly 3 and on the spectrum set to be assessed in September doesn’t have too many similarities thankfully as ds as horrible as that sounds but she’s still very hard work constantly screams and cry’s nothing wrong with her medically pain wise and some days I wake up to her just screaming the house down and it literally kills my mood for the rest of the day!!! I would say if he’s in a nursery push the ehcp! Asap since DS started saying some things I have noticed a decent improvement I think a lot with non verbal children is frustration! But at 3 his behaviour was off the chart we had to deadlock our doors couldn’t even have a window slightly open had to have bathrooms constantly locked as he would constantly flood the house honestly it was pure hell! He doesn’t do any of that anymore but he does have meltdowns hang in there op if anyone told me in a year from now ds would get easier I’d of laughed in there faces! But he has! Xxx

This is NOT your fault. They do sound unmanageable together and that must feel frightening (for their own safety) when you are out and about at the very least. I just really feel for you. I am not surprised you are depressed. It sounds like you would really benefit from some respite care for the 3 year old / more nursery, is that at all possible?

As an aside, if you do not already have DLA, please apply for it. From what you describe, you would qualify.

My autistic son (also a bolter) needed a buggy until he was four. Now he’s older he explains he felt safer out and about in one. So I’d look into getting a double buggy to be honest.

Do you think carrying a toddler in a sling is a good idea when you have a SN runner who is good at escaping out of prams a good idea?

I was a disabled carer for a bolter, and I agree you need to apply for DLA. The child I worked with had a sort of lock for the pram straps that kept him from escaping.

Definitely apply for DLA. There are tools available to make buggys escape proof. They scream but at least they can't run under a bus.

We had 3 under three, and the oldest was giant and a runner too like yours.

It was really tough and any time I tried to take them out on my own, it was a nightmare. So I didn't much. Thankfully my husband didn't work anywhere near the hours yours does.

You need to have really low expectations for another year or two. The time will drag and you'll feel like tearing your hair out, but yes, your situation is unmanageable and you shouldn't feel bad for acknowledging that. Get any help you can. Your husband and wider family must provide help as much as they can. All hands on deck for a limited time.

You need time to yourself too. Even if it's just going to the shops alone or sitting in the car for a while. I remember even a quiet bath was impossible because of the noise and whining.

I agree with op about speaking to your health visitor re your oldest child. See if there's any help you can get there.

You will get through this, and it will get easier. You've in the thick of it now.

Sending solidarity and acknowledgement that your situation is really frustrating and hard.

I echo others about applying for DLA (and carers allowance)

Are there any charities around your area who might be able to offer some respite or at least some companionship? You might have to have a Google or a look on Facebook. In our area there are a couple of Facebook groups for parents of autistic children and they've been super helpful. Do you have any friends who could come on days out as an extra set of hands?

It's so difficult having two with totally different needs - it feels impossible sometimes. Both of mine were runners but they did grow out of it (autistic teen barely moves now in fact 🤣)

The 3 year old is big enough for a crelling harness. You can get them to use with pushchairs.

@NEmama do you not think the OP is already under the HV?

@Thehonestbadger it might be worthwhile to refer directly to social services and your local authority education department to get as much help and support in place as possible, as quickly as possible.

You should be able to get Inclusion Supplement for your son. This is something the nursery or preschool apply for to provide extra staff or resources to enable him to attend extra hours.
Look at your SEN Local Offer online
Might provide some good contacts.
Good luck things should get better once you have some support.

@RosesAndHellebores of course she has a health visitor but actually saying you're struggling and need respite is another conversation and she may not have said that.

It is manageable. We have 4 twins are 1 and boy 2 and an older with adhd. So get the younger trained to listen to wait, hold hand, etc even our 1s listen and then soon as we cross the road or somewhere safer they know they don't have to hand hold but soon as we say wait they all stop and wait for us to catch up. Instill it quickly and then they know how to behave better. This works well for us in shops also. They know there reward will always be the park or river or something near our house if they behave then they can do what they like for a while. Plus stress less as this will pass onto the kids. You will be fine you can do it

It doesn't sound realistic to expect help from family in their 60s who have told you they're struggling. DH needs to be providing the help... will his availability change when he's taken the exam?

It's all going to keep falling to you, otherwise, and you're on the fast track to burnout, when it'll all fall to him and he won't be able to work at all...

How much nursery does DS get? Can you work with them/your HV to increase that?

I wouldn't usually suggest this, but if nursery will only have him on a part-time basis, could you look into hiring a full-time nanny (ideally specialising in SEN) to help you? That way there would always be someone there to help you and you would possibly be able to befriend whoever you hire. It would also give you the ability to have a few days out with DD.

I feel for you. Your DH working 60+ hours a week is really tough and it can be so isolating. But with the cost of living, I understand that he may not have a choice.

I have 3 fairly close in age and when my youngest two were of a similar age to yours now I couldn't take them anywhere by myself, my middle one could also escape any buggy and oldest was a runner. It's only in the last year or so (my youngest is 5) that I'm starting to manage them myself. I still don't take them to supermarkets or places like that by myself- it's not easy it does sometimes take more than one adult to manage don't feel bad about that!

This sounds really hard. Is there anywhere you can take them that feels safe/manageable? A gated park perhaps or massive field so at least you can get out for some walks? Pack some snacks and ice lollies in a thermos for distraction when needed? Agree look into DLA and perhaps spend the money on some sessions at nursery for your 2 year old. If you have to stay indoors mostly, then so be it. You can only do what you can.

Let the grandparents take dd as often as they can. It will be good for her to get the attention and limit any copycat behaviour. Enjoy some peace while your 3 year old is at nursery. Often things do improve as they get older and can communicate their needs more clearly. And if you can source a specialist school for them that would help too. It is hard work, it'snot fair but you may have to rethink going out with both of them, limit it to necessary trips or for when she can come too.

No YANBU that sounds like a nightmare. Plus no fun for anyone involved.

Sounds like the biggest issue is your DH and his work/ study. Will this end soon?

If so I would take them out individually getting someone else to babysit the other child at home for a few hours, if this is manageable. Or if the kids are happy at home, just focus on making home as fun as possible with some garden equipment/ paddling pool/ crafting stuff and save visits out for when there are 2 adults so you can take one each. It’s not compulsory to be out and about every day and I’m sure the kids will be fine.