To think my children aren’t manageable?

[Thehonestbadger]

I have a full of beans 2yo who is in to everything and not listening to me.
I also have an autistic 3yo who is completely non verbal, has very low understanding of the world around him, is massive for his age (110cm 22kg size of a 5/6yo) and is a runner!
He is very high needs and needs a lot of physical care and reassurance wants to be held all the time and screams constantly.

I just can’t manage them together. I can’t. I’ve tried wrist straps, pushchairs, reigns…etc I just end up dragging one of them around like a dog chasing after the other. Often literally dragging them along the floor because they’ve decided to throw themselves down and the other has taken off. The 2yo I can pick up and carry the 3yo I struggle so hard. He’s half my size!

I can’t take them anywhere or do anything. It terrifies me. 3yo is great with buckles and straps so can escape almost anything including the pushchair.
Both grandmas worked in childcare their whole lives and have said ‘we can’t deal with them they’re unmanageable together‘ they’re willing to take 2yo DD because honestly she’s much more pleasant to have but then I get stuck 24/7 with DS who is very challenging.

I’m definitely depressed.

DH is out working 60+ hours a week and revising for a professional exam in September so I’m just on my own a lot.

I feel awful. I can’t manage my kids. My DD suffers a lot with lack of attention or being able to do stuff because of DS. I’m always scrambling for help from family which isn’t forthcoming and everyone struggles so hard.

Sorry but I think dh's exams need to go on hold for a couple of years. He needs to be sharing the load at weekends and giving you some complete time off to recharge. Family can't wait.

Have you considered contacting your local FE college to see if they have a level 3 BTEC student studying healthcare, childcare or sports science who might come and work for you a couple of days each week over the summer holidays?
For the student, put bluntly, it’s a unique experience to add to their ucas application, plus some cash over the summer.
For you. it’s a stop gap through to September, and an extra pair of hands (and legs) to support you over the summer.

You poor thing.

Definitely look for local sensory sessions there will be groups available for you to access

do you drive? Is there a car you could use?

what about the locks on the pram?

'But at 2 years old she was carried all the time - we never bought a pushchair.'

I really don't understand why women tell each other to just 'carry their children all the time'.

It wrecks your back! A 2 yo carried all the time?! F that, and that's coming from a mother of a clingy AF 1 year old.

The key to picking them up is practice. The more you pick them up the easier it will be. At one stage I couldn't pick up and carry my four year old (tiny) but needed to again so had to practise. I only stopped being able to carry either of them at 11 and 37 kg.

A strong Sen set of reins is good for the little one. You can carry them by the reins in an emergency.

You don't need to go.out for non essentials if it is too hard. Don't be sucked into the expectations of the ideal for NT kids.

Think about whether your two year old is autistic too. One (ahem) can miss it in the other child.

You wouldn't try to look after three dogs at the same time. Why on earth did you decide to have three kids with that age gap?

The Op.has TWO children one of which is disabled
but in what way do you think your reply is in Any way hel pful?

Punctuation much? This reads as though you have four twins.

No advice, just bucketloads of sympathy OP. What an awful hand you have been dealt in the game of life/parenting. Sending good thoughts to you.

There should be high needs block funding to ensure your DS has the support required to attend his preschool hours, whether that's by funding a one to one etc, but this is a common one for councils to try and dodge, nurseries and preschools are often pretty inexperienced in applying for it so you might need to fight it.

Really interesting to read this as I have a friend whose kids are similar but quite a bit older now. (We met through a Facebook parents' group for children with ASD/ADHD and have spent loads of time together over the years.)

My friend did a lot of courses on ASD and PDA and learned to separate her kids as much as possible. She or hubby would take their explosive child on separate days out. Others got their own playdates or would go to family individually. This meant a lot of taxi-ing people around but did give them all some peace. The non ASD siblings learned they could get attention by being good.

I regularly walk 3 dogs by myself (I used to have 4 but one died) and they are better behaved than most toddlers.

I also used to have 3 children under 3 and they were not bad either, but not as easy as the dogs.

Where's her third child? I thought she had two.

She's come on here for empathetic responses, not mean and spiteful ones. Can't you see you've made her day worse?

I think your husband needs to step up. He should postpone the professional exam and reduce his hours temporarily for the sake of his family. It will be better when they're both at school. You should get a part time job to get a break.

DS already has his EHCP and receives DLA I also get carers allowance as had to give up work when nursery couldn’t manage him for full days. He also has a blue badge and we are in the process with social services. Should have noted that in my post sorry!

@Babsexxx
oh god sounds so similar to my son. I’m just back from a caravan weekend with him and he just kept trying to climb out of every window. It was so hot we couldn’t close them. I pray it gets easier. I just wish he understood what I said to him!

Also, just to clarify we only have two children not sure where someone got the idea I have 3. Not that it matters too but because of the age gap we had no idea about DS’s significant challenges when we conceived DD. It was only starting to come to light around the time she was born. Honestly, it’s not a position I would have chosen to put myself in, not that I judge anyone who does I mean it’s a personal choice … but I had no idea what was in store!

It might just be one of those grit your teeth and get through as best as possible to be honest.

I struggle with my toddler who is (afaik) NT - have yet to find any suggestion here or in RL that works! - I have two days off a week with him and I do find them tough going, especially in the afternoon. Hang on in there, he’s starting school september 24?

my sons was held for a year! No dla claim yet but I will thankfully we run our own company from home but if we didn’t there’s no way I’d have a job I constantly get them ringing to collect him! He’s just soo destructive breaks everything he still breaks things but not quite as badly now