To just be so fucking angry with my ex

[ithinkifeelaliveagain]

The longer we are separated the more I am infuriated by him, maybe this week I have pmt, but I actively wish him harm. Obviously would like him to survive the harm for the sake of the kids but if I could make a cartoon anvil fall out the sky and land on his annoying head resulting in a hilarious but painful cartoon bump I would 100% do it.

for context he just arrived back with the kids all happy because he had taken them away for the weekend, taken them to a super fun activity, fed them Macdonalds, bought them toys and generally made sure they have had the best fun of their lives. Despite the fact that he hasn’t paid maintenance for months because he ‘can’t afford it’.

I have to pay massive childcare bill this week and facing the fact that I probably can’t afford to take my kids anywhere over the holidays because I need to pay for school uniform for 3 kids and summer childcare and I can’t afford a holiday too

Now spent the evening listening to the kids talk about all the fun they had and telling me about the holiday dad is taking them on in July while forcing myself to to be appropriately enthusiastic but actually seething with rage inside. I need to learn to let the rage go because it’s destroying me but it’s just so hard (especially with pmt 😂)

That sounds very frustrating.Have you started a claim via CMS?

Voodoo doll with pins? Seriously assuming you tried the laughable cms to get him to pay up.

Send them with a list of school essentials. If he doesn't get them dc can see that he isn't so great. Leaving a cunt on a pedestal isn't great for dc in the long run imo.

You need to start a claim with cms

How old are your kids? I'd be tempted to say how lovely he's managed to take them to McDonald's, he obviously has some more money now and can start contributing to what he's supposed to. Shame the Disney dad.

text him & ask him to pay half towards childcare or pay maintenance & save his reply. Then when the kids are older, show them & tell them you would’ve loved to have taken them on hols but couldn’t & that it was a struggle with no help.

I really feel for you.

i have considered cms but he is self employed and I doubt he is being honest about his earnings so he would probably end up not having to pay anything and I would end up without even the sporadic and pathetic contributions he makes now. I cannot understand how a man who everyone thinks is such a great guy can behave the way he does when it comes to his own children. Even my own mother makes excuses for him because she doesn’t believe he would ever do anything wrong!

Kids are between 5 and 13 but they really think he is the best thing in the world. I’m just the horrible parent who sends them to school, makes them eat vegetables and never does anything fun because I’m too skint/always at work.

@StarDolphins i send him screenshots of childcare invoices, clothing receipts, sports club invoices all the time asking him to pay half and he just ignores them completely. He refuses to engage with me about money or his parenting responsibilities at all so won’t reply to texts or answer the phone to me and we only see each other briefly when he drops off the kids after his weekend and I can’t force him to engage with me then or it will end up upsetting the kids.

This was me for 6 years! Self employed own company raked it in did all the fun stuff whilst all my money went on bills and childcare then I got with my current husband we started our own company struggled for two years then a break through our company took off massively financially very comfortable kids don’t want for nothing we go on a couple of nice foreign holidays a year etc.

Then the older kids dad got friendly with now dh and decided o I better pay maintenance now I don’t want to look like a fool to this man but watched me struggle for years! Typical!!! I hear you op! It was a rotten time the kids dad always made it so that I looked the bad guy as i constantly had to say no and a meal and a night out at the cinema with the kids was a entire month saving!

Really do sympathise xxx

If his current contributions are so random they make no difference, please go to CMS. Even if he does twist about it and you ultimately get little you are making the principle clear that he has a legal obligation to his children. The kids will eventually work it out too...honestly they will. To not pay CMS he will have to actively DO something to avoid it, not just ignore messages which makes him much more culpable. Please do it.

Be honest with your kids. If you can’t afford something then say “I cannot afford that because I had to buy school uniform and it was all the spare money I had after mortgage/rent/ electricity etc.”
You don’t have to say that their father doesn’t pay anything but as they get older they’ll realise. TBH I’d imagine your eldest should have some idea and soon start form opinions.
It’s not your job to hide the fact that their dad doesn’t pay for them. You only suffer that way.

Put that claim in. Even if you get nothing or very little he still deserves the inconvenience. Don't let him get off so lightly with being a cunt.

Be honest with your kids. When you have no money to get them things or go places tell them you can't afford it when you're paying for everything for them alone.

Definitely screenshot every correspondence of him pleading poverty. You can show it to your kids when they're older.

I feel.you. I really do. My ex pays maintenance but has nothing to do with our DC apart from that. People tell me I should be glad he at least pays it.

The bar for dads/men in general is in hell.

Go for the cms. You're badly off now so it won't change things. The kids will realise at some point. Might be a decade away. Or when they have their own kids.
Play the long long game.

Go to CMs

Report to HMRC that you suspect he isn't honest with his warnings

I sympathise, this is the game my ex plays too.

Put the cms claim in. When the kids come home with notes for excursions give it to the kids to get him to pay half. Tell the kids they might not get to go if he doesn’t.

I really get the rage at the number of men who get away with paying fuck all or very little to support their kids.

There'd be far fewer children growing up in poverty if their fathers were forced to pay up.

Stop hiding the situation from the children. It's not bad mouthing. Just gently explain that dad doesn't pay for them so mom can't do holidays/days out and you have to make sure we have a home, can eat etc.

It did me no favours when my ex did this when ours were growing up. In Fact they started to resent me and wanted to live with dad. Broke their hearts when he said he didn't want them.

They realised what an arse he is once they had families of their own.

He's still buying their love. Never truly there for them. Just throws money at situations.

No advice but I feel angry for you! What an arse. Why can’t men take responsibility for their own fucking children?!!

Put the claim in anyway.

Loving the voodoo doll idea.

Start the CAM claim. I would also gently explain what you pay for and what daddy pays for. Do it on a piece of paper, so at least they can see the relevant contributions.

Actually I tried for many years to keep the struggle with the CMS/ away from DD. One day i just exploded in rage and told her how little her dad actually ever contributed. (She was about 9 at the time and I been doing it). I explained it wasnt her fault but i didnt want to hear about the ridiculous stuff her Ddad was doing when he was contributing bugger all to her basic living costs. Don't let it get that far.

As counterintuitively as it may seen it helped DD hugely.

It helped her ginormously to understand why I screwed up my nose in disgust when she told me dad had bought her a designer bag this weekend. She Actually understood the level her DDad was lying to her when he would tell her he was paying CSA and he wasn't.

It also helped that maintenance was paid into a separate bank account so I could show her I wasn't lying without putting the whole burden of household finances on her.

It wasn't something I bought up again. But it help her understand her father better and the differences in lifestyle

Keep a diary op.
Everything you have to pay out each week. Then put ex contribution = ?
One day you can look back and be proud of what you achieved without him.
And if appropriate you can show your dc.

I was at least 40 before I realised how selfish my df was.

Me too. How are they not thoroughly ashamed.
I say put the claim in. I'd also make sure everyone who knew him knew he paid fuck all. I'd be beyond caring at this point, if I spoke to his family or friends I'd be mentioning it. If they ask if you are going on holiday for example say no, sadly we can't as ex doesn't pay a penny towards the children. Shame the shit out of him. He's a prick Disney Dad. The kids will know one day.

Can I vote for the anvil?

It's so shit OP, what a prick he is. You deserve better. Just know you're doing the right thing and one day the children will look back and see one parent was genuinely putting them first while the other was smoke and mirrors.

Would you rather they had a miserable time with their dad? Don't you want them to be happy? The money sure get annoyed over that but it's not fair to get annoyed they've come back happy- they'll pick up on that.

And depending on the age of the child this isn't a bad idea. Obviously try and keep it calm.