I don't want divorce but want to show my husband I can go this length if he wont work on our marriage

[lovecountrycottage]

AIBU to just start the divorce process so that husband understands that I am serious if he won't work on our marriage it's over. Deep down, I want to give him one last chance that I mean this. I am thinking of mediation first. He won't go to relationship counselling.

What do you mean ’work on’? What do you want him to do?

This is a dangerous game to play.

Years back my mother did the exact same thing, my dad saw it as an open escape route and took it. She is regretted it ever since (but would never admit it).

If you want to save your marriage because you want a ‘nice house’ for your children - it is not worth it. Your children will be better off in a smaller home with no hostility between their parents and not growing up with a bad marriage as their guide to relationships.
It doesn’t sound like you have anything to save now from your other posts. 💐

So far we know
He doesn't want to spend any time with you.
He spends every Sunday on his own.
He gets mad about a dirty house even though you clean yours to a high standard.
He hates your family.

I'd definitely be going for a divorce there is no good reason to being with this awful man. Your children are being exposed to a toxic relationship. They might be living in a big beautiful house but as that become older they will see what a sham of a marriage you have. Get out now.

You're feeling emotional and frustrated right now. I wouldn’t file for divorce yet, no. Don’t do something like that unless you are 100% prepared for it to happen. You don’t have a backup plan. He isn’t cheating. There are legitimate issues though that yes he should address. He should be home more with the children and should put you first above any other priority.

I’d keep my cool for now while I worked out the practical aspects of a divorce. Remember, you might have to give up your children 50 percent of the time to him and then he might move on and get together with someone else and you’d have no choice in the matter of who is in your children’s lives. I’d tread carefully. You may be able to resolve these issues even though you feel that it seems impossible right now. Do not try to force a reaction with the threat of divorce or you might not like what you get or the aftermath.

There is no right answer to whether you should divorce your husband, only you know that. I would say it is something only to be done, not threatened, if you feel you've exhausted all possibilities, or if the thought of staying married is horrendous and unthinkable, and the feeling of potentially being alone in a flat with no money and shouldering most of the childcare post divorce seems like a better option.

What's important to you? What do you want? What would have to change for you to want to stay married? What will you have if divorced that you don't have now? What do you need your husband to do in order to build the relationship back?

What is he doing for his children that helps them thrive? He doesn't spend time with them, shows them it's OK to disrespect you and your family, and cleanliness is more important to him than they are. Presumably his contribution is money?

It will cost you £593 to show you are serious and statistically you are unlikely to be able to put the brakes on later even if you want to. You sound a bit controlling (using the divorce process to manipulate your husband into behaving in a certain way) so you should understand that once the D word enters the conversation, you will not be in control of the situation at all and you cannot predict how he will take it.

This sounds very familiar, did you post about him in more detail quite recently? If so it’s an absolutely miserable marriage, with him criticising you constantly, spending his time on his hobbies and basically not taking an interest in you at all.

He is unlikely to change, so you have to decide whether you will endure the life you have with him, or change your life drastically by divorcing.

If your marriage is that bad, your children are being affected even if they seem happy. As they get older they will see how abnormal their home life is.