I don't want divorce but want to show my husband I can go this length if he wont work on our marriage

[lovecountrycottage]

AIBU to just start the divorce process so that husband understands that I am serious if he won't work on our marriage it's over. Deep down, I want to give him one last chance that I mean this. I am thinking of mediation first. He won't go to relationship counselling.

What if he is relieved and wants to just proceed?

You already know he won't work on your marriage. Stop wasting your time.

I say yes. It will mean that on the hard, post actual divorce, days you'll know you tried everything. I speak from bitter experience. If you are writing that post it's already over op. Solicitors are expensive. I'd put the money in a pot for a treat in my new happy life. Bin him and get on with it. I doubt he deserves another chance. If it makes you feel better to have tried again then do that.

I know someone who did this and it backfired, he was pleased to divorce and was shacked up with a pregnant girlfriend within 6 months.

I wouldn’t do this unless you’re prepared for either outcome. And frankly, if it is so bad you’re contemplating divorce because he isn’t putting any effort into the relationship, why stay married anyway?

I am worried about the financial side of it. Our mortgage is on very low rate until 2027. we have three children - all in school. Worrying about that I will lose the beautiful home for our children.

How many chances have you given him?

You need to be prepared for the worst. Which for you sounds like him saying 'great, where do I sign?'
As others have said, it's already over.

Move out of the marital bed. That should get his attention.

AIUI we are moving to an era where mediation is more or less mandated.

Only if that won't work can you move forward. Of course, the outcome of mediation may be that you're beyond reconciliation. That would likely be the case if one of you cannot/will not engage in mediation.

I feel like it's over in my heart, I am feeling very nervous that the process will be more stressful than my current stress.

If it’s over in your heart then it’s over.

I am very confused. I am not speaking to him from two days and didn't do anything for father's day.
I highly doubt he will be ready to sign the papers, it will be huge embarrassment for him in our culture.

Think about the emotional environment your children are living in. That alone should be your motivation to end this dead marriage. Your husband's feelings of embarrassment aren't your problem. If he had given a single fuck he wouldn't be in this position.

I don't think so I am that courageous to end it and I feel bad writing about it. People who know me say that I am such a strong woman but in reality I 'm not. I am scared for my future. I feel like my children have better upbringing and I will spoil their future. Life feels easy now although I am not happy. Children feel happy and are thriving. I feel guilty that I will be putting my happiness first. I also have a horrible feeling what if I will still be unhappy. Sorry if none of this makes sense, this is what spiralling in my brain

Honestly, don't file for divorce to try and save your marriage.
You can't save your marriage.
He would need to change, to save your marriage, and it's not possible to sustain the change that you would need.
You owe your entire family better than this.

I stayed for many years in a marriage like this.
Eventually there was a very acrimonious separation in the marital home.
He swore he would change, but it was too late by then.

We are incredibly good friends now. It took a long time, but everyone ended up happy.

Sounds like a terrible idea, don't make threats you don't want to carry out.
And If you did want to carry it out... then you should be getting a divorce anyway.

What do you want him to change?

I think you need to accept it’s over. You are the point where you are ignoring him for days and ignored Father’s Day (assuming your kids are too young to sort it themselves) is really awful behaviour. You may feel it’s justified, but it’s awful and the kids shouldn’t be in that environment.

You may have to move. I know that feels scary and devastating. But it’s not as scary and devastating as growing up in a toxic and being in a toxic marriage.

If you divorce, there’s a small chance you may get a mesher order to stay in the house. But since you would have to cover the costs, upkeep and the bills then still give him a chunk when it’s sold it often leaves women in worse positions than they would have been if they had just sold in the first place.

If you are the stage where you are threatening divorce, it’s over. He might be shocked and scared and promise to be better. But it won’t last. An emotional reaction to a divorce is not the best environment to be making decisions regarding change in behaviour. People in shock don’t often make the best calls.

and what happens if he says ‘ok’ and goes through with it. What’s you game going to be then?

Never start something you aren't prepared to actually deliver.

You'll wind up less shock and awe as shocked and no back up plan.

There are so many things that I feel uncomfortable around him. First of all he is giving too much time to his hobby which means that I have to around children more. He is never home on Sunday so family time is not important for him. He enjoys his company and hardly asks me to go out with him or even enjoy a movie. I honestly feel that he doesn't love me anymore. I have confronted him, he said he does. I have been gone through his phones to make sure there is no other woman involve and does not look like that's the case.

He is forever mad about cleanliness of the house when my house I can say is very clean. I don't what's his issue. I simply can't understand. He does the vacuuming etc so contributes in cleaning.

Also he hates my family to that level that I can't share anything about my family to him as he won't listen. He doesn't attend my family functions.

Don't issue an ultimatum if you don't want the outcome.

When I've been given them, even if I'd had absolutely no intention of leaving, my reaction has always been 'An ultimatum? Yeah, go on, then'. Because the act they did it was enough for me to decide they weren't worth it.

I understand I have no back up plan. What other way I have it? Shall I involve friend?

Don't threaten what you aren't willing to follow through on.

He isn't going to change personality because you issued an ultimatum.

I am giving him an ultimatum and will go for divorce if it's backfired