To be annoyed at the difference in standards.

[Peonyblushing]

I have 2 children 11&7 and my 7 year old is yet to ever have a sleepover at grandparents due to being too young (their words) my 11 year old has had sleepovers 4 times in her life, one of which was when I gave birth to 7 year old.

My sister recently had a baby and they’re having the baby for 5 days whilst they go abroad, to the point of my parents taking annual leave to cover this. Baby is 4 months old.

Even when I’ve been post-surgery, they’ve never been able to help with 1 school run or anything. Sometimes if we’re there my parents will offer to watch the children whilst we go to b&q or Aldi.

I am just feeling a bit meh about it all. Same parents, not half siblings or anything like that. Just completely different experience.

Are there specific circumstances that make your sister more needy? Is there something going on for her that you're not aware of, maybe? Or is it just that she's younger and viewed as less capable? Have they always indulged and babied her while expecting you to get on with things? It's hard to judge without knowing more, but I will say that sometimes these patterns in families become very deeply ingrained early on, and the people following them often just can't see it. Are they the sort of parents you could have a conversation with about it?

My sister has always been very independent. She didn’t really
bother much with my parents before the baby came along.

I don’t know how to approach it. I feel silly for saying how I feel but I am upset that I’ve never been offered the same level of help.

It’s stuff like this that drives wedges in families and I’m not sure how to navigate it. If I reduce contact because of it, it’ll only further make this baby superior to my children.

We went for a family roast this weekend with all couples and children. My parents walked around with the baby the whole time, had baby on laps. Not one cuddle or bit of attention for mine though.

Goodness! That is so shit, I don’t think I could stay silent in the face of such unfairness!! What a crappy message it sends to your kids! Are the in-laws any use?

In laws are sadly deceased so these are the only grandparents my children have.

I just feel a lump in my throat tonight, I’m hurt for my children. We do a lot of a family stuff but I’m not sure how I can continue to maintain that knowing a baby who has been in this world 4 months will have had more one on one time with their grandparents then mine ever have.

Am so sorry to hear this about in-laws. I think you need to broach this with your parents, it’s eating you up (understandably) but I guess I don’t know what they can say that would explain such behaviour and blatant favouritism 😔

I have a similar situation. I've had much less childcare from parents but annoyingly my parents will point back not acknowledge that.

If you don't back away op your dc will grow up believing they are second class to your dps... Is that worth a few crumbs?

I think if broach it I’ll get a very blunt response sadly. I guess there is nothing they can say as the evidence of blatant favoritism says everything I need to know.

Just rubbish for the children, at 11 and 7 they’re well aware. My mum said I’ll have to come and help her with the baby and I just said I’m alright thanks.

Are you both local?

Are you both female?

Have you always been the second favourite?

Why do you think this is happening?

Do they like your kids dad? Maybe they just don't have same relationship with your kids?

If it's any consolation we have this on BOTH sides of the family. One through favouritism / sexism (DH's parents) and one through mostly circumstance and laziness (my parents)

Both local, 10 minute drive from parents if that. And we’re both female

They love my DH, he does a lot for my parents and whenever they need help he’s there.

Was their situation different when your kids were younger?

So, were they working FT 11 years ago? A lot can change in 11 years tbh. Maybe they feel more able to help now.

On the face of it, YABU. If your 7 yo doesn't want to go for a sleepover, what are they supposed to do? Force her?!

She does want to, they are the ones who say she can’t as she’s too young. She begs them and they make promises they don’t keep.

They still work. Nothing has changed since mine were smaller at all.

I would say- oh wow that is so lovely for baby to spend that time with you. Dh and I would love to go away too and our dc would absolutely love spending time with you like baby has. When would be best for you to have them?

be interesting to see what they come back with.

Sorry, yes i see theyre taking annual leave to mind her baby.

Gosh OP you are a saint for not having raised this with them. I'd have to ask what their thinking is, and let them know how disappointing it is.

I think I would ask them to explain, and then go from there. Depending on their answer you may need to significantly lower your contact as this is just a very unfair situation.

Don't take this the wrong way but do you make lots of demands when grandparents have your children?

I only ask as I have two sisters. I'm much closer to one set of niece/nephews than the other. One sister would not let us near DN when he was born. We couldn't hold him or touch him. The one time I looked after him when he was around 3 I was left a two page note (bearing in mind I have 3dc of my own) and they had video surveillance set up which monitored sound and video. It made me feel inadequate and other members of the family felt the same. Now Dsis feels left out and wonders why DN doesn't have a bond with his cousins. Even if you don't feel it applies to you, just consider it. As I don't expect my Dsis would think this. She just assumes her child is less favoured.

Yes! Do this. Act like you completely expect the kids to be treated the same now and force them to face what they are doing. Ask for explanations every single time there's differences.

If the children can sense the imbalance I couldn't not raise it personally. Or have to full back and go LC / NC for their sake. Maybe it's time for your DH to be less available to help too.

I think I’d have to speak to them about it and say that your dc have already noticed how their cousin is treated differently

Doesn’t mean that they will change or that they will react well but at least you’ll have pointed out to them how their behaviour appears.

My Nan always treated 2 of my cousins better than me and I won’t lie, it still stings, I will forever think I must have done something wrong or she just didn’t like me.

Talk to your parents and depending on their reaction , you can then decide how to move forwards

If your dh does loads for her and so do you maybe she just sees you as staff.... Your dh needs to be less available also. He isn't respected and neither are you. She isn't bothered about damaging your dc's self esteem or your relationship with her either..

I'd be explaining what the issue is and stepping back. They sound awful.

As someone with a 'golden child' sibling, I know where you come from. It is blatantly unfair, but there is really very little you can do. Addressing it with the parents directly just tends to reinforce people's (wrong) impression that you are difficult. Is this something you could discuss with your sister? My sibling is very aware of the dynamic in our family, and being reasonable, has tried on multiple occasions to intervene with my folks to make things fairer.

Whatever you do, please don't let it get in the way of your relationship with the four month old. The baby is completely innocent in this, and it would be good for everyone involved to have a solid relationship between the cousins and not to play a part yourself in any distancing.