Do I tell my mum I heard her talking about me?

[OctonautsToYourStations]

I'm a new mum to a 3 month old baby girl who had recently been unwell (nothing too serious), but I'd contacted my mum as I was a bit worried about my little one and wanted to get her thoughts. I'd sent a couple of messages about my daughter just beforehand and she then called me. Just after I picked up I heard her talking to her friend about me saying "just calling my daughter who's being a bit ridiculous, you think she'd know better but she doesn't think"...

Anyway, I was pretty hurt that she'd talk about me to someone in that way, and also to do it whilst calling me... I didn't mention it during the conversation but I am now wondering if I should tell her? (In my sleep deprived state this is making me feel more upset than it should be). This runs the risk of her getting cross at me...or whether I should just let it go and pretendi didn'thear her?

WWYD?

YABU- let it go
YANBU- tell her

That’s hurtful, I would be very sad. I’d confront it otherwise I would feel resentful

I want to, though when I've told her she's hurt me in the past (she commented that I had gained a lot of weight in pregnancy) she's got so upset / cross with the feedback that I ended up apologising to her

I think it totally depends on the rest of your relationship with your mother.

You should do what feels right to you.

Hi OP

This is the type of thing my Mum would do to me. I find it so hurtful.

No advice but I never want to pull my mum up on it because then she would a) cry and b) i would always know she was watching her tongue becuase i had pulled her up on it and it wouldn't be natural.

Best case sceanario is that your Mum would have your back and not critisise you isn't it?!

I've never worked out the solution either!

@alittlequinnie thank you. I think I made this thread partly as I felt like I was the only one who's mum did this. Sorry you also have similar situations x

Are there more examples of this happening? Because this is wrong. Google DARVO x

I voted YABU not because you are being unreasonable to be upset, but because I genuinely think it's best to let it go. I think parents are often so dismissive of first time mum worries and have forgotten what it was like. Ideally you should be able to explain to her that her attitude is hurtful, and she would apologize but from your previous experience that doesn't seem likely to happen. I'm not sure there is much to be gained from confronting her.

All the best with your newborn ❤️

I used to pull my mum up when she used to say stupid stuff and yes, the water works would go on but I used to ignore it and change the subject. She soon got over over it.
I don't go with guilt trips from anyone, not happening and the person trying to do it is always told in no uncertain terms.

YANBU. If you don’t call her up on it, you may end up being resentful to her. I certainly am to my mother to the point that i go to her for exactly zero advice now.

Do you have any mum friends OP? If so, I’d suggest going them to advice instead on parenting. My experience is that our parents who gave birth 30ish years ago are seriously out of touch with modern medicine/guidelines etc.

I'd just drop in a slightly snide comment about "being ridiculous and should know better" at some point in the not too distant future. Nothing else.

@notherNCuser thank you, I'll look at that x she has moments of being lovely too, but I don't know why she would talk down about me to her friend / what that purpose would be x

@MariaVT65 thank you, you're so right. I have already been told my a different older relative to give my baby "boiled water" in the heat instead of breastmilk 🙄

@LovingLivingLife thank you xx

Just to clear it from your mind, I'd be tempted to say "just for the record, I heard what you said to X about me the other day. Please don't slag me off to your friends. I'm your daughter and you should have my back"

Then don't enter into a discussion about it. At the very most, you could say 'you need to be more careful when you call people' and then change the subject.

@CrotchetyQuaver lol, I'd love to do that!

I feel you. My mum told me to give my baby a medicine that has been banned in the UK for some time for kids under 6.

She also argued with me tryint to convince me that the 12 week downs/edwards blood test will tell me the gender. Apparently she was referring to the amnio test which was the only way to tell the gender 35 years ago.

Hurtful yes, and I'd be upset too in your shoes. I found my DM too was often unsympathetic about the early baby phase when everything is scary and exhausting. I hope your DD is OK.

BUT lets face it, what your mum did is something almost all humans do sometimes to let off steam. Can you honestly say you've never complained about your mum to anyone ever? Or about other family members? I sometimes think that we as society have decided it's fine to complain about our parents, they are annoying people. But God forbid we'd ever say a word against our children...

That's a fair point. If my mum had heard me taking to my brother this morning she'd have been horrified.

The fact that what I was saying about her was absolutely true, would not have made it hurt less.

Personally I wouldn't tell her. However, I'd definitely be distancing myself and not asking for advice in the future from her if that's how she speaks. I think it's horrible on two counts; firstly you are her daughter and all mum's should support their children as much as possible and secondly you have a 3 month old - no worry is too small if it's a worry. I'd say she's shown her true colours.

Fair point, however, I think giving birth to your first child is a stressful time with exhaustion and hormones all over the place, where you’re also entering into the unknown. So it sounds to me like OP’s mother was being unreasonable. Whereas when I badmouth my mother, it’s being she’s being a genuine twat.

That was really nasty of her. Of course you went to your mom as a new mom. I would say something to her

@InSpainTheRain thank you x she's normally lovely, but just has ways of making me feel really bad about myself that hurt more than if it was someone else who I could ignore more easily x

I think this depends on your overall relationship, as to whether you feel it will be beneficial to raise it with her.

Also just to say you are not alone in this, I am close with my mum but there are many testing times where she has done things like this and the difference between how she treats me and my Dsis is very apparent.

I find trying to be compassionate towards her but validating my own feelings and seeking support from others (even if that's strangers on mumsnet!) is sometimes the easiest way of coping rather than confronting her.

It actually sounds like she wanted you to hear that.

Sounds like she’s not actually that nice to you, and is manipulative enough to make you feel bad if you confront her.

Not good, really. You’re clearly conditioned to it, too, as you are downplaying it slightly.

I’d say something or it would eat me up. But I’d say it in such a way as to not open up a discussion.

“I heard what you said to your friend about me being ridiculous and how I should know better. It really hurt me. If you’re going to talk about me unkindly behind my back, please make sure I don’t have to hear it next time.”