Do I tell my mum I heard her talking about me?

[OctonautsToYourStations]

I'm a new mum to a 3 month old baby girl who had recently been unwell (nothing too serious), but I'd contacted my mum as I was a bit worried about my little one and wanted to get her thoughts. I'd sent a couple of messages about my daughter just beforehand and she then called me. Just after I picked up I heard her talking to her friend about me saying "just calling my daughter who's being a bit ridiculous, you think she'd know better but she doesn't think"...

Anyway, I was pretty hurt that she'd talk about me to someone in that way, and also to do it whilst calling me... I didn't mention it during the conversation but I am now wondering if I should tell her? (In my sleep deprived state this is making me feel more upset than it should be). This runs the risk of her getting cross at me...or whether I should just let it go and pretendi didn'thear her?

WWYD?

YABU- let it go
YANBU- tell her

If you ate concerned for your baby's health in the future, pick up the phone and call 111.

Your mother lacks compassion and she's unsupportive.

OP, sincere sympathies. I have a similar distance with my own publicly 'lovely' and generous mother.

You wondered to the purpose of what she was saying to her friend. I would hazard a guess that it is her ego speaking. 'Oh look, friend, I am so important and in demand from my family. I'm irreplaceable to them'. Pah! Please trust yourself to make a solid family for your child, good luck! X

@Irridescantshimmmer I've just spoken with 111 and the doctor on the end was so lovely and reassuring. I wish I'd just gone straight to them x

I agree with a PP - she probably wanted to you hear that.
Any decent, caring mother would just not use such unkind words about their DD at all.
Seems she likes to hurt you, then make out that you are wounding her when you object to it.
For these reasons, I would say nothing now (because the time to speak was as you answered the phone, really), but would just back away rather sharpish.

I wouldnt raise it. Because you've said that before she has turned it around on you. It doesn't sound like she is going to apologise / reflect / change her behaviour, it sounds like she is going to somehow blame you for it and then nothing is going to change. If you want to get it off your chest to her then ok but it doesn't sound like it will have the effect that you want

Are you sure that she was not saying it just for something to say to her friend - that she was actually WANTING to speak to you, but said what she said to her friend so that she didn't seem OTT in front of her friend. You know what I mean - I have not worded it well at all, but how many times do you tell someone - sorry, I need to make a call now. It is not because I actually NEED to but X is worried about something silly and I want to support her.

I'd message an update re the baby and both address it and shut it down in the same text.

(Baby) is a little better, received professional advice and now sorted. Thanks for helping earlier but, just so you know, I did hear the conversation you were having with your friend when I answered the phone about how 'ridiculous' I was being. Not really helpful, under the circumstances. Luckily, there are plenty of other people/places I can turn to should I need advice in the future. Probably best for both of us. I shall be getting some rest now, after a few bad nights. Speak to you later in the week.

Then I'd ignore all texts and messages for at least a few days.

If you never stand up for yourself she will never stop treating you like this, OP. She does it because she thinks she can!

@Irridescantshimmmer the other thing 111 did which I didn't get from DM was advice on when the problem would need admission/ further treatment. I guess I just wanted the emotional support from DM.

dya know what? She can fuck off getting upset and turning it round on you! It’s shitty, immature behaviour. She doesn’t get to play the victim when SHE has done something wrong. She needs to learn to reflect on her actions and how they affect others, instead of getting defensive and lashing out with blame, to deflect from the feelings about herself that she can’t handle. You don’t get to go around hurting people and being mean, and then be shitty to the person you have hurt, when they rightly call you out on it. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It must be very hard coming from your mum, and i imagine is a pattern you have grown up with. Please know, you are NOT in the wrong.

@StaunchMomma I am tempted to do this, as she said I'd regret calling 111....

I would do this!

my mum could also have said what your mum did and if I’ve ever let it go in the past it just eats me up inside so im twice as hurt and pissed off and she’s none the wiser. That’s not fair! So definitely calmly
explain what you heard and that’s it’s not cool.

I think YABU we all have a moan about people sometimes, I’m sure you have about your mum too.

Tbh if someone was messaging me and then phoning me about a sick child I’d think they were being a bit silly too.

I’m not sure what more advice she could have given you on the phone that she didn’t over text and if it’s a real worry then ring the gp.

She obviously thought you were overreacting and perhaps you have form for it and she was just venting before she spoke to you.
The fact that you turn to her for advice must mean you care about each other a lot and I wouldn’t create a rift in the relationship because of a silly comment she made.

Try and forget about it and move on.

This was OPs mum, she just wanted a few kind words, in no way was she being silly

Eh I think you should have a general chat with your mum and say you find these comments hurtful. I cant imagine mine saying anything about my weight etc. And your doing a great job being a mum isn't easy

Everyone has a moan/vent about the people they love.

MN is full of threads moaning about their DH, DCs, parents, friends, siblings etc. I can guarantee OP has moaned about her mum before.

The only difference is that OP heard it.

She obviously relies heavily on her mum and her support and I think bringing it up and creating a drama or conflict over something so minor is unnecessary.

@TooJoy maybe you're right. She might not have meant it/ maybe i am a bit ridiculous, though 111 said it was right to phone.

Though she had been the one to call me (not me call her).

The way I see it is you got upset by what your mother said about you to her friend which is valid.
You were also upset about her saying that you had put on weight (she was brave as I would never ever think to mention anyone's weight unless they had won an award from Weight Watchers or something), but she managed to turn it around so you ended up apologising to her???? Quite the contortionist is she!

How does someone manage to do that? It must be quite the skill because anyone I know, if they are upset by something that someone has said to them or about them and they learn of it, it is THEY that are offered the apology and not the other way around.

I'd send one of the text messages that some of the others have already suggested and then I'd take a few days/weeks breather from her. Don't be so quick to reply to her calls/messages.

I'm pleased you got the advice you needed from 111!

Thanks @LookItsMeAgain x

I'd send her a message 'thank you for reassuring me before mum, I was probably being a bit ridiculous, I assume sleep deprivation is making me second guess myself xx'

She will wonder if you heard her, but won't know for sure and it will make her feel guilty without the risk of confrontation and her being defensive.