18 year old to pay keep?

[Wereallmadright]

My ds is just about to turn 18. He works part time and has just left college. He doesn't want to go to uni yet, as he wants to take a gap year. His plan is to travel and have experiences before going off to university.

When I suggested it's time to start looking for a full time job, or at least one that is more than 12 hours per week, he said that would totally ruin the point of taking a gap year stating he doesn't wish to spend it working. He is due some trust fund money, and I have paid for a holiday for him to give him a foot on the travelling ladder. Originally I was to pay for him and a friend to go, but I stated I'd rather give him the extra money to put towards his travel fund.

I have another son at home, and work full time myself. It's not just the two of us, so I can't be expected to keep throwing money at him to fund his gap year. He has worked since he was 16, so mostly kept himself in his interests such as reading, clothes etc for the past year. This I will praise him for. I obviously pay for all our days out etc. He has not saved anything in the time he has been working however, and with not wishing to work more, am unsure how he plans to travel and party as much as he seems to think he is going to.

He was an only child for a long time, and I always ensured he had unique experiences as a child. Always encouraged him to pursue interests etc, but also tried to show him that he only has these things because his mum works long hours, and works hard to provide for him. He appreciated this until he was around 14. I noticed a change in him from that age. He became a little above himself. I wouldn't say grabby, but definitely expecting.

He has wonderful manners with other people, something people always comment on, but with myself, his brother and my parents, he can sometimes look down upon us almost. I have reprimanded him repeatedly for this, but it never seems to stick.

I have recently approached the subject again regarding working more hours if he's not going straight to university, as he is soon to be an adult, but he just shrugged it off. I now need to approach the subject of him paying keep once he's 18, but I already know the look he will give me like I've crawled out of a drain, and will almost feel guilty for asking.

Am I unreasonable to expect him to pay his way at 18? I know my energy bills and food costs will be so much more with him mostly home all day. With the cost of living sky high, I am already dreading the thought of my next electricity bill with him home using multiple electronics for most of the day.

Yanbu. You don’t ask. You tell him. You’re an adult now. So the bank of mum is closed. You finance your own life from now on and that includes paying for your keep. If he doesn’t want to work more that’s ok. He can just pay his keep out of what he earns currently. If that leaves him nothing for travelling and experiences tough tittys lad. Time to work more hours. It’s called being an adult

Of course he has to pay keep. But I wonder how he's going to survive with no job and you not funding anything for these travels, is he expecting you to fund it? Think you need to have a serious word with him. My 18 year old DS has a part time job, just finished college, is going to uni and pays keep.

I always think this thread is interesting as I have the opposite view, especially if it’s only for 1 year.

I worked during my gap year to afford uni. I did also spend money on myself, for clothes etc. But tbh I wouldn’t have paid to live with my mum. I would have rather moved out to pay to live with a friend.

We charged DS board and he chose work hours appropriately (he didn't actually work full time but he was also spending time applying for longer term opportunities) to enable him to pay this, have his own money and save some.
It was totally normal amongst his peer group so he didn't bat an eyelid.

We do charge him rather less than "moving out to live with a friend" so he knows he's still on to a good thing!

Tbh, I am split on this. When else do you get the chance to treat yourself and be bill free? However, I do think learning the value of things is important. I would insist he needs to pay 20% of his wage per month, but if you have the means to do so save a small fraction of this (without telling him) and then gift it to him for a car or house deposit in the future.

I thought a gap year was to something useful or amazing even if it's just working to save for uni so I don't think you are wrong to expect him to do a lot more and contribute. I would not be happy with a year spent lazing about

OP be prepared for the privileged crew to rock up and proclaim that they couldn’t possibly conceive of a universe where they’d make their (adult) child contribute…

@ChocAuVin
I'm already mentally prepared for that, thank you 🙏🏼

My dd took a gap year. She was expected to fund certain expenses - contact lenses, car insurance, going out, mobile phone, clothes and save for any tech upgrades that she wanted for uni. (She bought a iPad and MacBook Air) I didn't tell her how much to work but she settled on about 30 hours a week. She saved a lot of money thanks to most of her friends not doing a gap year and went to uni last year raring to go.
Ime teens are more amenable to being responsible for specific costs than giving cash. So asking him to pay 25% council tax because you'll be losing your single person discount is better than asking him for the cost of that as a flat amount. If he goes straight to uni then you'll keep that discount but fair to ask him to contribute.
You should tell him that he will be expected to contribute. Now is a good time because he has time to decide if it's worth going straight to uni instead.

Firstly have a look at https://www.spareroom.co.uk/ to see what he would be paying for a room and utilities in a house share for a start. Show him that these are the alternatives to living at home. Explain to him that you are losing child benefit as he turns 18 too.

Show him your utility bills and food bills so he can see how much he costs and tell him, don't ask him, tell him that he will be contributing to that. He is now an adult and it is shit but life isn't free. If he was going to university you would be partly funding him as he will probably be applying for some maintenance loan but as he is taking a year out he needs to contribute to the family pot which he is more than happy taking from. And how fucking dare he look down on you. Do not feel guilty about asking for money from him.

I think he should be paying something ...even a token amount. Whether you put it by to give him at a later date is entirely up to you. I know a lot of people have done this and do think it's a good idea of possible.

I paid from 18 when I started working, when I worked part time I paid around £150 a month, when this changed to full time I started to split bills evenly with DM as it was only us too at home. Even if you ask him to give you some and save half for him for uni maybe? But I do agree he should be paying something x

Are you able to or intending to help your son financially during uni OP?

I do have some savings set aside to help him through uni, should he decide to go next year. I think a fear of mine is that he will find having a gap year of no responsibility too appealing and decide to take another. I wouldn't discount the idea of him doing this.

He currently has his phone bill paid for him, something he will have to pay himself when he turns 18. I have also bought him driving lessons for his birthday. I have done my best to put him on the footing for both things he needs, and things he wishes to pursue. As a lone parent this is not always easy, but I do everything I can.

I am reluctant to keep on giving however, as I want him to learn that if he wants things in life, he has to work for them. Hence why I have allowed him to pay for most of his clothes for the past year. With cost of living through the roof, I do need him to understand that living costs money. He can't just party and travel without it coming out of a pocket, which can't be mine for as long as he sees fit. Of course I would not expect him to pay a large sum, but contribute to his lifestyle. Ideally without acting like he's been hit in the face with a brick!

You should tell him firmly and immediately so he can make his plans accordingly.

Ideally you should have told him a few years ago so that he adjusted his hopes and dreams.

Best suggestion I can give is to sit him down and do some research and budgeting together. Have a look at what costs he’ll be looking at if he goes to uni, versus what income he may get. Then use this to make a plan together about moving forward.

If his eventual intention is not to go to uni then absolutely charge him board.

I worked during my gap year on minimum wage, my mum gave me no advice about money or budgeting whatsoever, and just had a go at me at the end of the year about not saving up enough. She gave me no financial help during uni whatsoever. I only survived by working during all the holidays and working during my year abroad in my 3rd year.

@MariaVT65
One thing I have always gone on about is budgeting. This is how I manage to give him the things he has had and will have going forward. Unfortunately his dad wished to be a kept man, well my money was ours and his was his own.

My son has grown up seeing me pay for everyone until he was around 11. I don't want him to follow suit of wishing to be kept and have a lifestyle funded by others.

I think I just need to be firm that in life if we want something, it's not up to everyone to get it for us. I will always help where I can but cannot financially fund him forever.

I too have had to fund myself just as you have, hence why I do what I can to provide. It's difficult starting out in life I understand that completely.

He has wonderful manners with other people, something people always comment on, but with myself, his brother and my parents, he can sometimes look down upon us almost. I have reprimanded him repeatedly for this, but it never seems to stick.

That's not "wonderful manners" its shallow charm. You mean, he knows how to manipulate people.You are funding and enabling his selfish lazy behaviour.
Sooner or later, you will pay for it in worse ways than money.

Everyones circumstances and decisions are different and I dont think there is a right or wrong .I am certainly not one of " the privileged crew " but didnt charge our DCs board when one of them worked part time in their gap year . We also didn't charge them board after uni as they were saving up for house deposits ( we did charge the eldest a token amount which we saved for him till he moved out)
However , if we were in a position where we either lost benefits or really needed the money for essentials then we would have had no hesitation about insisting they contribute.

They both saved for house deposits and we were happy to support them till they moved out aged 24/25 , but if they had been wasting their money we would have definitely taken board money.

Yes, if he's an adult not in full-time education he shouldn't cost you anything. Of course he needs to pay for AT LEAST the extra he costs you in household expenses, including food if he doesn't want to buy his own. He also needs to pay anything like the extra council tax if you are the only other adult in the house and you're currently saving 25%.

If you feel it would be good for him, you could also add a small amount of actual rent on top of what you charge him for expenses. You could either keep this if you need it, or save it for him.

If you just keep paying for him, you are not teaching him what it is to be an adult. You also sound as if you might struggle financially yourself.

But he does need lots of notice! Sit down, explain how you've worked out what extra he costs you so he sees it's fair. Encourage him to make up a budget so he knows whether he needs to look for more than 12 hours a week of work.

Definitely tell him now so that he has time to consider plans. Give him a date when he has to take over payments and start switching direct debits like phone to come out of his account. Is he likely to change jobs when he runs out of money each month and realises that only he can change things?

If you need the contribution then ask for it. If you can manage without it you could charge board but save it for him. My ds is coming back from uni and taking gap year but I’m only expecting him to be home for summers and away for the middle chunk hopefully working in Australia and travelling in Asia. I’d encourage him to research schemes where he can get a work visa abroad or firm up his travel plans and cost it out. It’s much more expensive than it was in my day even using hostels etc. I’d be expecting work fulltime to cover the costs. An alternative is to do voluntary work abroad but then you need your own money to cover costs. If he’s just planning to travel he will need a big trust fund or will find he won’t be away for very long at all. The more growing up he does this year the more he will appreciate university. I expect once his mates go off to uni in September he will get bored if he doesn’t have firm plans. I’m expecting ds to go off around October so won’t charge him over the summer but if October rolls round and he’s still here then I would be charging rent.

I've always worked mostly full time hours, even when in uni myself I worked mostly full time hours around it. The thought of him only working 12 hours a week and expect a champagne lifestyle doesn't seem to work out in my mind.

I appreciate all of your responses and really helpful tips. Thank you all very much.

Plenty of people take a self-funding gap-year by getting a full-time job for six months and then going travelling on the proceeds. (I have family members who actually continued alternating between the two for several years - apparently supermarket night shifts worked particularly well as they stopped them having a social life, so they saved better.) You only get to spend the whole year travelling if you've already saved or have parents who can easily afford it.

You'll presumably be losing child benefit for him, and if you're currently the only adult in the household, the council tax discount will go in November. So you don't need to feel guilty about asking for a contribution - it is assumed that at 18 he will be doing so - at the very least you need those covering, and as you say, living costs could go up if he's at home all the time.

Setting out a plan is probably wise - maybe you'd settle for covering the child benefit/council tax amounts to start with, but with clear warning of when you will start expecting more.

Has he applied for uni this year, or is he going to apply post A-levels?

@lanthanum

He's applying post A-Levels.

He just seems to be so chilled and laidback about it all at the moment. While I try to gently prepare him, he seems to think I'm nagging and being dramatic.

He really seems oblivious to the cost of things, clearly has done no research into travel costs etc. When I ask him to elaborate on how he plans to travel on 12 hours a week, he gets cross.

Unfortunately I do feel like he thinks either I will fund him, or he'll discover a money tree hanging out of thin air. His sheer reluctance to listen and take things onboard is frustrating. Perhaps he'll have to learn a harder way if he's not willing to listen to others.