To think my friend was judgemental? (TW abortion)

[MessyBunt]

I met a friend for lunch yesterday. We met through work about five years ago and have kept in touch since she left. We’re good friends but live a distance apart and so see each other maybe once a month and have vacationed together. We call and text throughout the week.

Today she confided in me that she had an abortion when she was 22 and carries a lot of guilt. She was newly married at the time and the relationship wasn’t going well and they split shortly after. She’s 43 now, remained single, and doesn’t have children- she’d have liked them but it just never worked out.

For context, I’m 41, have a partner, and no children by choice.

She was talking about the feelings of guilt and I was trying to support her. It was a lengthy conversation and I was very happy for her to talk and to listen and support. She then asked me if I would judge her now that I knew and I said, truthfully, “no, I’m 100% pro-choice and think you made the best decision you could at the time. I wouldn’t judge anyone for having a termination, and it’s what I’d do myself if I were to get pregnant”.

She was shocked.

She told me that choosing to abort a child who would be born into a decent life is an awful thing to do. She said her circumstances were different as she and her husband were very young, broke, and their relationship was so rocky but I have none of those issues and choosing to terminate just because it wasn’t planned is sickening.

I felt like I was run-over by a semi. I left shortly afterwards and neither of us have messaged since.

I think this could be the end of our friendship.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous?

That's very hurtful of her. You are entitled to your own opinion.

I also think it's telling that she had such a strong reaction and is still so guilty all these years later. Feels like she's projecting her feelings on to you.

So it's OK for her to terminate a pregnancy but not for any other woman? She's batshit, and its probably for the best if your friendship dies a death now.

You can be friends and have different stances on abortion. I don’t get why it needs to come up in your friendship?

She sounds like a right hypocrite

Hmmmm, I’d say that she has got some very serious unresolved feelings around this and is struggling. To still be talking about it 21 years later, and be so affected by it suggests she probably needs some external help to come to terms with her past. I think there’s a good chance she’s projecting and feels that it’s unfair you may make choices she very much feels she wouldn’t. As for whether you end the friendship over it, depends on how well you otherwise get along. If you’re not that invested in the friendships then yes, but if you are maybe step back a bit and try to work out how to help even if she is coming across as attacking you.

I don't think she is being 'ridiculous' per se. I think she has clearly got a different position on abortion than you.

The fact that she herself had an abortion many years ago doesn't mean she can't hold the position she does now.

I would say maybe you've both realised you aren't as compatible as you thought you were.

I think your friend was judgemental as she made her choice and you would make yours but I wonder if she still feels guilty that she aborted her baby and maybe wanted you to be angry with her so she could be angry with you therefore taking the anger away from herself if you get what i mean .
After all these years she's feeling bad about herself and wanted some sort of row to make her feel better .
I don't know if this is the case but you've done nothing wrong in your support of her x

I think the point is that she DOESN'T think it was ok for her to abort her child.

She carries a lot of guilt and this probably leads to her position

But obviously she did think it was ok for her to choose to abort at the time.

I think I understand her pov in a way (although she was unreasonable in expressing it) - unless I've misunderstood the op, you've never had an abortion. But she has. I think maybe you don't know how you'd feel unless you were in that position. So I think she might have felt you were being insensitive/dismissive to her feelings of regret/guilt. It's all very well for you to say you wouldn't feel hesitation/regret/guilt but I suppose you don't know unless/until it happens to you.

I can see why you’re frustrated. However, In the context of how upset she was, I’m not sure if it was the most sensitive thing for you to say that you would abort a child right now if you got pregnant. It might’ve been better to leave that unsaid since she is feeling so much guilt and self-loathing. I think you both can get past this.

I would say maybe you've both realised you aren't as compatible as you thought you were.

Definitely. It’s a shame as I genuinely like her. The level of vitriol directed at me today though was horrendous. She was practically spitting.

I have friends who are anti-choice and, while I don’t agree with their stance, I understand and accept it. I just think my friend’s stance was hugely hypocritical.

A generous way to look at it would be that, given she feels guilt about the abortion, she attempts to feel better by saying to herself "it was because of the situation I was in, I had to do it, that makes it ok. It's not like I had any other option". And therefore she sort of puts her decision as "better" than the decision of others.
I disagree with her. But I can see how she might come to that way of thinking, if she's struggling with it.

But plenty of people who haven't had abortions would agree with her view - that abortions should only be seen as acceptable if it's not possible to have the baby due to finances/circumstances, not just not wanting to. It's not my view, and I think it is judgemental.

I think it's fine to have a completely different stance on an issue. That's her opinion. Yours is yours. It wouldn't impact my friendship with someone, I can understand pro choice, I can understand pro life and everything in between.

I don't agree we should surround ourselves with people who think and act exactly the same as us. Your position is fair and valid. But so is hers. There is no 'right' answer here.

I think she feels so guilty still and is trying to justify her abortion by pretending she didn't have a choice. She's a hypocrite though and she was wrong to attack you as she did.

Like others have said, I think this is all about her own guilt and regret because you say she’d have liked children but it didn’t work out.

I was thinking that too but it wasn’t a case that she told me she had had an abortion and I immediately turned it to what I’d do.

We were discussing the topic for well over an hour with her really getting a lot off her chest. When she asked me if I judged her, I wanted to show some solidarity and answered truthfully.

I just get the feeling she would have preferred if I had told her I judged her. There’s obviously a lot she still needs to work through. I asked her if she’d ever had counseling and she said yes, but it’s all obviously very raw.

Her ex-husband remarried and had children, which can’t be easy.

I’ll text her tomorrow to try and break the tension a bit, but I don’t know if we can come back from this.

This reminds me of a podcast episode I listened to about abortion, last year. It was Science Vs and they were looking at the evidence for all the things pro-life people claim.
There were a few soundbites of very anti-abortion women who had still had abortions nonetheless. I was surprised as I assumed pro-life people didn't have abortions but it seems they're able to do the mental gymnastics and hold both positions in mind at the same time

I dare say you’ll get over not having her around pretty quickly.

Pro life, not anti choice. You chose to have sex, you chose the consequences.

Forced birthers. They rarely care about the life of the woman, or other, already in existence humans that would be impacted by continuing with the pregnancy.

Pro life and pro choice are not two distinct positions and I think many people hold both to be true at the same time. We can believe that people are free to do as they please in life and make their own decisions and also judge them for it. 99.99% of people do it all the time with everything.

Let’s not feed the pro-birther. Based on their other posts, it’s clear they have an agenda.

I used to work in abortion services and if I had a pound for every woman who said she was against abortion, but in HER case it was different...

I would actually cut her some slack here. When talking about abortion (given her circumstances) she is going to be talking emotionally and not rationally.