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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend was judgemental? (TW abortion)

45 replies

MessyBunt · 17/06/2023 20:10

I met a friend for lunch yesterday. We met through work about five years ago and have kept in touch since she left. We’re good friends but live a distance apart and so see each other maybe once a month and have vacationed together. We call and text throughout the week.

Today she confided in me that she had an abortion when she was 22 and carries a lot of guilt. She was newly married at the time and the relationship wasn’t going well and they split shortly after. She’s 43 now, remained single, and doesn’t have children- she’d have liked them but it just never worked out.

For context, I’m 41, have a partner, and no children by choice.

She was talking about the feelings of guilt and I was trying to support her. It was a lengthy conversation and I was very happy for her to talk and to listen and support. She then asked me if I would judge her now that I knew and I said, truthfully, “no, I’m 100% pro-choice and think you made the best decision you could at the time. I wouldn’t judge anyone for having a termination, and it’s what I’d do myself if I were to get pregnant”.

She was shocked.

She told me that choosing to abort a child who would be born into a decent life is an awful thing to do. She said her circumstances were different as she and her husband were very young, broke, and their relationship was so rocky but I have none of those issues and choosing to terminate just because it wasn’t planned is sickening.

I felt like I was run-over by a semi. I left shortly afterwards and neither of us have messaged since.

I think this could be the end of our friendship.

AIBU to think she’s being ridiculous?

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 17/06/2023 20:41

I think this is more about her than it is about you. She had an abortion because she knew she was not in the right place to bring a child into the world, and now she's in her 40s and childless and probably still grieving for the life she might have had.

She sees you, with a nice life, in a stable relationship, and thinks that if she were in your situation, there's no way she would choose to have an abortion. But she isn't seeing the fact that she wanted kids and regrets the fact that she doesn't have any and has probably now missed the boat, whereas you don't want them. Nothing about your respective situations is the same.

I wouldn't lose the friendship over this if it is otherwise good. She sounds like she's struggling and could do with having some counselling to come to terms with her feelings.

PaigeMatthews · 17/06/2023 20:43

I think this is more about her than it is about you
this. It is her guilt

Calmdown14 · 17/06/2023 21:06

I don't think this is so much about views on abortion as the missed chance of motherhood.

She gave up her chance (albeit for good reasons) and it never came again. That's in part why she's never got over it and why it is now looming large as her biological clock is ticking.

You don't feel that way because you don't want children (which is a perfectly valid choice) but in her emotionally charged state I think that she is somewhat pouring her heart out about what she really wanted in life and you reply that if you got that thing by accident, you'd get rid of it.

Of course it's much more complex than that but I suspect it isn't really about the rights and wrongs of termination (which are always personal) and more about her not having children. She is angry with herself, the way life worked out and has taken that out on you because you were (in her eyes) so dismissive of it.

That's not to say she's right but I don't think you should throw away a good friendship if this is out of character. Perhaps offer a neutral olive branch if wanting to check she got home okay or something quite mundane and see how it goes from there.

CalistoNoSolo · 17/06/2023 21:23

Holly60 · 17/06/2023 20:17

I think the point is that she DOESN'T think it was ok for her to abort her child.

She carries a lot of guilt and this probably leads to her position

Show quote history

And yet she still went through with it, and for a reason that not everyone would feel is valid. She may feel really guilty but that's her problem to solve and OP didn't at all deserve such a dressing down.

whereaw · 17/06/2023 21:26

It's a hypothetical dressing down though, do you think she would do the same if it was something you had in fact done? Because that is a different thing entirely.

CecilyP · 17/06/2023 21:37

I think itwas a really strange reaction. What you said was as much to reassure her that you didn’t judge her badly as anything else. She is now judging you for a hypothetical situation when you haven’t actually done anything. You are entitled to an opinion and your opinion is pretty mainstream.

Original poster

MessyBunt · 17/06/2023 21:55

whereaw · 17/06/2023 21:26

It's a hypothetical dressing down though, do you think she would do the same if it was something you had in fact done? Because that is a different thing entirely.

What was hypothetical about the “dressing down”? We were in public and she was very irate. People were looking.

OP posts:

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 21:56

I think abortion is one of those topics that people disagree on so should probably just agree to disagree

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 17/06/2023 22:47

She's now choosing to focus on being angry with you vs being angry with herself, OP. I don't think it's about you though, so sadly not much you can do.

VestaTilley · 17/06/2023 22:53

Abortion is so divisive, for obvious reasons. She’s projecting and clearly feels guilty about her own, maybe she regrets it. Or maybe she thinks you should only have one if in dire straits, not just because you don’t want to be pregnant/a Mum.

I’d leave it a few days for her to simmer down, then message her.

mayorofcasterbridge · 17/06/2023 23:15

Sorry but she is a total hypocrite! So her reasons for abortion were valid, but your not-real-potential abortion wouldn't be? Crazy!

I'm not sure how you deal with it but am pretty sure this will have created a wedge between you, even though her abortion was real and yours is just fictional!

whumpthereitis · 17/06/2023 23:21

A clsssic ‘the only moral abortion is my abortion’.

I’m also a childfree woman that had an abortion when, if I wanted a child, I could have supported them quite comfortably. Didn’t and don’t want a child though, so it was and is that simple. It sounds like you handled that more diplomatically than I would have done tbh.

Frazzledmummy123 · 17/06/2023 23:27

She is being hypocritical, however I think a lot of her reaction is a result of the guilt. Maybe message her and ask her if you can either talk about it or if not, just move on from it.

OrwellianTimes · 17/06/2023 23:36

I think your friend has serious guilt over this issue and needs to speak to a counsellor to get over it. She clearly doesn’t actually think abortion is ok, hence projecting onto your hypothetical situation.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 18/06/2023 09:51

It sounds like the only way she can come to terms with having an abortion is to justify it by saying her marriage was awful, she was poor, etc.

Your reasons are equally justified (in the hypothetical situation). She is being an absolute hypocrite for slating you (about something that hasn't even happened).

This doesn't have to be the end of your friendship but I'm not sure I'd want to be friend with someone who was so judgemental. If she ever brings it up again and slags you off, you might want to remind her that it's not you that had the abortion.

Original poster

MessyBunt · 19/06/2023 12:31

I sent a message and it looks like I’ve been blocked so I’m just going to leave it.

She’s obviously struggling so up to her how she manages that for herself.

I won’t be contacting her again, even if I’m unblocked at some stage. Like everyone else, I have enough going on in my life and, while I’m very happy to support a friend through anything, becoming an emotional punch bag for decades-old trauma isn’t something I’m prepared to do.

OP posts:

TimeToMoveIt · 19/06/2023 12:42

That's all totally shitty of her, sounds like one of those hypocrites that doesn't believe any body else's abortion choices are valid reasons, hers was obviously 🙄

Yes it's probably the guilt and that she wants children but that's no reason to take it out on a friend

clpsmum · 19/06/2023 12:50

CalistoNoSolo · 17/06/2023 20:13

So it's OK for her to terminate a pregnancy but not for any other woman? She's batshit, and its probably for the best if your friendship dies a death now.

This

PoachedEd · 19/06/2023 12:58

Plenty of people who have abortions are anti-abortion. People do things they believe to be morally wrong all the time and then either try to justify it or else struggle with guilt, or both (as your friend is doing).

ChaToilLeam · 19/06/2023 13:01

She may be struggling - and I have sympathy for that - but she is also a massive hypocrite. One of these women who thinks her abortion was justified but nobody else’s is. 🙄Sounds like she would rather lose a friendship than face that uncomfortable truth.

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