Potential bullying at work?

[leftoutbywork]

NC for this as potentially outing. Colleagues briefly discussed going out for a get together, and I said I would go as long as I was free - I just needed to confirm my availability. Nothing more was said about it so I assumed it wasn’t going ahead. It’s later transpired that they have made the plans amongst themselves and everyone else was invited except for me. AIBU to be hurt by this?

Are you sure you weren't inadvertently overlooked? Is this a pattern?

Yes definitely, it was spoken about in a group chat where I said I would go and then nothing else was mentioned in that chat, so assume it was discussed in a separate group chat without me. It’s a bit of a pattern to be honest but nothing as clear cut as this feels.

Did you actually confirm your availability?

It's a bit off to jump to accusations of bullying from this.

Not specifically, just breezily said I’d like to go but would have to confirm and get back to them. Similar responses were made by others who have gone so it must’ve been discussed separately anyway.

Personally I wouldn't see this as bullying. Maybe just say on the group chat "oh I didn't hear anything more the night out, so I assumed it wasn't happening? Shame cos I'd have liked to come" See what they say back.

I did this and got no response but they’ve all read it.

What else have they done that makes you think they're bullying you?

Is this an official works night out that everyone went to or just a group of friends who work together arranging their own?

This was an event outside working hours? If you were deliberately left out then that isn't very nice of them, but your colleagues are entitled to socialise with, or without, whoever they like. So you know now that these people are not your friends. Best to accept that and move on. Unless there is more about what is going on in work that you haven't mentioned.

If you didn't bother confirming your availability like you said you would, they probably assumed you couldn't make it.

There's nothing worse that trying to arrange a night out and having to chase people who don't get back to you.

I’m not really sure what the difference is but it was initially arranged by a manager and through work communications.

It’s hard to explain without being too outing but they’re generally quite cliquey and make my work life challenging, but maybe bullying was an extreme term.

The difference is an official works night out should include all workers.

A group of friends includes a group of friends.

Lots of others said the same initially and then it was never spoken about again so I assumed it wasn’t happening, but they’ve attended so obviously someone chased them or it was discussed in a separate channel that didn’t include me.

Well the entire team was there except for me so I think that would class as a works night out, rather than just a few colleagues who are friendly outside of work.

You could of confirmed and asked but you expected them to contact you
The others probably chased it up you didn’t

Would you chase something individually that had been mentioned in a group chat? That just seems a bit odd to me but maybe I should’ve brought it up again when I hadn’t heard anything.

I wouldn't assume the worst but more so that they haven't bothered further discussions about it with you because you hadn't confirmed. They maybe just made a new group chat with people who had definitely confirmed. Flakey/non committing people are the worst when organising things! - no offence!

Whilst it's hurtful, I wouldn't class it as bullying if the main issue is that they are a tight/cliquey group and socialise without you.

Try and form different relationships with people in your work! And don't let this one off get you down.

You didn't confirm your availability.
Just as you made assumptions that you thought it wasn't happening, perhaps others assumed you were not available after not confirming and therefore made plans without you.
It's not bullying.

I think this is intentionally leaving you out and I would see it as bullying, especially since you expressed your wish to go.

I was bullied in previous workplaces and from my experience the best thing is to just leave this job and apply somewhere else.

These people will never like or respect you and you will destroy your own mental health staying in a toxic situation.

I don't think it's clear cut. If someone said they would get back to me and then didn't I would assume they didn't want to come. The others may have indicated that they would come on the group chat or to the organiser in a separate text - there's no need to tell the whole group you are going.

Being left out of a after work social event isn't in my opinion workplace bullying. If anything is happening in working hours that's unprofessional this could help build a bigger picture though. Is it just that you feel left out and not included? Perhaps the team is just not a good personality fit for you?

There are things you can do to become more part of the group socially if the job is worth the effort, but alternatively as a PP said it might be easier to look for a new job.

But if you didn’t get back to them with your availability then I can’t see how it’s totally their fault? They Maybe thought you were no longer interested?

that said, they still probably could have asked you again but you should have got back to them.

I do get what you mean. A group discussion about a gathering, you show interest and then it's confirmed off that discussion.

People tried to do this with a couple of new people at my work. I hate cliches and exclusion at work, it's mean. I always ensured everyone got the memo about any meet ups. It maybe bot bullying ad one off but it's school ground stuff of being mean.