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Original poster

I've really upset my friend and I don't know how to sort it

29 replies

KarmaIsMyBF · 17/06/2023 16:29

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice my friend thinks she may be pregnant but is having a bit of trouble with the pregnancy tests like having a faint positive then nothing and then another faint positive and said she was worried about a chemical pregnancy.

I've been supportive as I always try to be and I said that when I had a chemical pregnancy I got a faint positive and then bled a few days later and it was like a heavy period so told her try not to worry too much and leave it a few days and hopefully those tests will get stronger.

She then questioned why I never told her about the chemical pregnancy and I didn't think and just replied saying I didn't think it was a big deal so didn't tell anyone, only me and DH knew.

She went mad saying I don't think her possible chemical pregnant is a big deal etc when that's not really the case as I appreciate for every woman it's different and a loss is a loss whatever the situation but for me personally I didn't feel like it was a big deal but I appreciate why she's upset and hope that that's not the case for her but she's kind of ignoring me now.

I'm gonna leave it a couple of days before messaging her but I really didn't mean to be insensitive.

I don't really know what to do or say now though.

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 17/06/2023 16:32

She's being oversensitive. I presume she's been trying to get pregnant? So is worried it might not stick, so to speak?

I'd leave her be for a bit.

Weal · 17/06/2023 16:37

I agree with the previous post. She’s being over the top and sensitive. It’s kind of understandable given she is obviously very worried and I’m guessing desperately does want to be pregnant. I’d leave it a few days and pop a message apologising for causing offence and checking she feels ok (not that I think you need to apologise, but it might smooth things over).

I wouldn’t give much more than that personally because I don’t think you did anything wrong.

MatildaTheCat · 17/06/2023 16:48

Just say you are sorry? You were imagining your experience was the same as hers and now see that this is really upsetting and emotional for her.

Then leave it and be a bit more careful going forward.

Original poster
KarmaIsMyBF · 17/06/2023 17:00

MatildaTheCat · 17/06/2023 16:48

Just say you are sorry? You were imagining your experience was the same as hers and now see that this is really upsetting and emotional for her.

Then leave it and be a bit more careful going forward.

I don't think her experience is the same as mine as I say in the original op that I appreciate every woman has a different experience with loss.

I only explained what my experience physically was with a chemical pregnancy incase she does experience one as I think the physical process is similar for each woman but obviously not the emotional side.

She asked me why I didn't tell her about the chemical pregnancy at the time and I said because I didn't think it was a big deal and didn't really think I needed to share it with anyone.

I'm not sure what I'd be sorry for as I explained my experience with it and explained why I didn't tell her. I've already told her when she said I didn't think hers was a big deal that that's not the case and I understand why she's upset and I hope her lines keep getting stronger but I'm here for her whatever happens.

However I understand she's probably feeling very emotional at the thought she may lose the pregnancy and is very stressed so maybe feeling sensitive so I'll message her in a few days and keep my fingers crossed her lines get stronger as I really hope she does have a little one on the way.

OP posts:
BeautifulWar · 17/06/2023 17:05

Did you apologise and explain you were speaking of your own feelings at that time, not judging anyone else's (like you have here)? If so I don't really think there's anything more to say.

She's being over sensitive, I'd leave her to it for a while and see whether she calms down. I'd also be understanding if and when she does.

CaffeineMama · 17/06/2023 17:13

I would leave her alone for the time being and let her have some space to work through her current situation and hopefully get some answers.

Agree with PP that she's overreacted, probably because she is anxious about the possible pregnancy. You are entitled to keep your business to yourself and opened up to her to try and reassure her, so you haven't done anything wrong.

When you speak again you can apologise for upsetting her but I wouldn't worry too much about it.

billy1966 · 17/06/2023 17:30

She sounds hysterical and is completely over reacting.

You do not owe her your private business.

She needs to calm down.

I really would give her space as she is actually rather rude.

Beseen22 · 17/06/2023 17:44

I ve spent for too many years in the TTC world and don't disagree with you, I made a rule early on never to test until I'm over a week late because you would drive yourself insane with pregnancy tests. If you just hold off a few days you would have saved yourself the heartbreak.

However I once heard someone say that you can tell the truth kindly or harshly depending on the timing. Your friend is in a hyperanxious situation about what's going on. If she's hoping to be pregnant it very much is a big deal to her. Someone who is no longer going actively through TTC or MC even though they probably have the best advice won't always be taken well. Probably once she is beyond this cycle whether a healthy pregnancy or a later period then you could have made the comment.

PuffinsRocks · 17/06/2023 17:46

Well if you don't want to apologise (and I agree she's being a bit OTT but sometimes when people are strung out we apologise anyway as mature adults if we want to save a friendship/relationship because we acknowledge that we might have inadvertently hurt the other person's feelings without meaning to) then there's nothing to be done so IDK what you want from this thread.

Original poster
KarmaIsMyBF · 17/06/2023 17:53

PuffinsRocks · 17/06/2023 17:46

Well if you don't want to apologise (and I agree she's being a bit OTT but sometimes when people are strung out we apologise anyway as mature adults if we want to save a friendship/relationship because we acknowledge that we might have inadvertently hurt the other person's feelings without meaning to) then there's nothing to be done so IDK what you want from this thread.

I've already apologised when I said I didn't mean I think hers wasn't a big deal - the exact comment was "oh no, I'm sorry that's not what I meant at all. I was just explaining why I didn't tell you at the time".

I just meant in my previous comment I don't understand why I need to keep apologising when I didn't really say anything wrong.

She was the one who said she might be worried it's a chemical, I explained my physical experience with a chemical, she asked why I didn't tell her and I explained - that's really all that happened before she got upset because obviously she's in a very sensitive situation but don't try and make out like I'm immature because I don't want to keep apologising for something.

OP posts:
dooneyousmugelf · 17/06/2023 17:57

You spoke for yourself. You did nothing wrong. If you want to broach the subject with her, a 'sorry you're going through this right now' message would be better than an apology you don't mean (because you have already explained yourself to her and you didn't do anything wrong).

billy1966 · 18/06/2023 00:02

There is nothing mature about repeating an apology that is not sincere and unwarranted.

Give her space.

She has no right to your private business.

Lots of people have difficulty conceiving, have miscarriages and disappointments that don't end up taking it out on others.

DojaPhat · 18/06/2023 01:05

I'd not engage with her any further. Her reaction towards you was completely uncalled for and unneccesary. She owes you an apology.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2023 01:10

Do not apologise for what you said. You've said nothing wrong and you are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do.

Shoxfordian · 18/06/2023 06:01

Give her some space and let her message you; she’s being quite over sensitive about it all

Brandspankingnewandshiny · 18/06/2023 06:07

Leave it for a day, then I'd just text something like "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause any upset." Honestly, things can be taken so badly with text and she's your friend so just apologise, its not a contest. I'd then text again in another couple of days asking how she is, or if she wants to grab a coffee or something.

Curseofthenation · 18/06/2023 07:04

You don't need to apologise again. You've already given your reasons and offered as much support as she needs.

I imagine she'll calm down in a day or two, or whenever the results become clear. Being in limbo and feeling like you have no control over a situation can do funny things to people sometimes.

autieawesome · 18/06/2023 07:10

She asked you a question about your experience and you told her. She's then projected your answer as your view of her experience which isn't the case. It's a nice gesture to apologise for upsetting her but I don't feel you owe anything.

stayathomer · 18/06/2023 07:13

Op you don’t need to be sorry, you were just telling her about your experience. She’s just understandably worried and lashing out. Sorry you went through that and hope she’s ok too x

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 18/06/2023 07:22

You've done nothing wrong op.

Dummycrusher · 18/06/2023 08:07

I can totally see how it happened and that you didn't intend it to reflect on her situation, but it was a thoughtless thing to say if she's trying to conceive. I would send a text to say - I'm sorry I upset you, I'm keeping fingers crossed for you and am here if you need me, then leave her be for a few days.

RedRobin100 · 18/06/2023 08:15

maybe, apologise if she thought what you said about “not a big deal” was insensitive given her circs, but no more than that

but also tell her your chemical pregnancy was not her business at the time, and was your very private business to feel about it how we you did, so she had no right to get at you about that.

try to nip her blame game in the bud. She started it.

WonderDays · 18/06/2023 08:17

You haven’t done anything wrong OP, give her some time and see if she messages. She’s obviously over sensitive and very stressed about TTC at the moment.

GraysPapaya · 18/06/2023 08:18

Is she usually over sensitive or a bit dramatic? If it’s a one off then I’d give her space and then try and reach out.
If it’s something she does often I couldn’t be doing with that!

JonahAndTheSnail · 18/06/2023 08:24

I agree that you shouldn't apologise to her again as you haven't done anything wrong. I'd just get in touch in a few days to let her know you've been thinking of her and that you're there for her if she needs to talk.