43 and wanting another

[crazyhead80]

I know I'm being unreasonable for wanting another baby at nearly 43 but I just can't shake this wanting feeling off.

I already have 2 dds, one 5 and the youngest 4. So why do I have this strong urge for another at this age?
My husband said if I really wanted to then he would agree to it.

Someone please talk some sense into me.
I know I can't have another at this age and I feel quite sad about it.

Anyone else feel like this at this age?

I think it's the knowing that this is your last chance and then the possibility is going to be taken away from you. You could have another and still feel the same sadness, knowing that it's the last.

At your age, the risk of twins is higher 😁

The thing is OP what you seem to be saying is that you want another baby. Another little one. At the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious, babies grow up pretty fast!

The question really is do you want another child? To be a family of five? Do you want, one day, to have kids of 15,14 and 10? Can you see yourself as the parent of three teenagers, of three young adults?

It's not really about the logistics of managing another newborn, or the tiredness of early years parenting (although clearly that's something to be taken into consideration). It's the long term reality of how your life will change with five of you. Managing the logistics of three DC growing up is very different to managing two.

I had my third in my early 40s btw and it has been wonderful and hard and exhausting and exhilarating and there are times when I feel like I've been parenting forever BUT the difference is we always saw ourselves with three, always wanted three, were over the moon to be able to have three. It was never just about 'having another baby'.

Try and think about not necessarily now but when they are older. Say if you fall pregnant now you could be 44 when baby is born. When they are 16 you will be 60, do you really want to be handling teens in your 60’s? Also would you want your child to have elderly parents at such a young age?

The newborn toddler stages is easy compared with teens, even really good ones, in your late 50's.

Getting them through school and then university means I will be in my 60's doing it with my youngest.

I honestly think it is too old for that level of parenting, but we don't think of it when we are thinking about babies.

You are blessed with two healthy babyies.

Ignore those hormones!

Normally when people post, the life circumstances for adding another baby are ridiculous. Yours are not.

so instead, think about the freedom you gave right now and the freedom your children have right now. You can explore a city with relative ease. You can go to the beach or an amusement park. When you add in a baby, that is going to change. Life is just going to get a little bit trickier for everyone . Right now you have children that need corralling and assistance, but that can also do things to help . You would be going back to the stage where even going to the grocery store is a logistical challenge. Do you really want to do that again?

At your age, already got 2 kids, I wouldn't. Of course you could try if you wanted.

The issues for me are these:

1. You may struggle to conceive, and if you did, by age 45 miscarriage risk is over 50%. Not sure how far through 43 you are, but you can see the risk would be high and going through the emotional trauma of that affects both you and your DH and your kids even if they don't know the cause.
2. Risk of chromosomal abnormalities and other health issues is heavily linked to maternal age. Down's risk is 1:30 by the age of 45. Not all health issues can be tested for. Your existing children's lives would be massively impacted by the arrival of a disabled sibling, which could happen to anyone but massively more likely due to your age.
3. You'd be 44/45 when baby arrives. You'd be 63 when baby turns 18. I know your kids are already somewhat young at 4 and 5, but those 5/6 years can make a lot of difference after 60! Especially if your DH is older than you.

Considering how blessed you already are I'd personally not risk it. You definitely could fall pregnant easily, have a happy and healthy pregnancy and baby - people do. But statistically less than 50% will at your age.

Having a baby in your early 40s is wonderful. Having a 10 year old in your 50s when you are going through the menopause is hard! Having a late teen in your 60s that is coming back from clubs in the early hours and probably still needs driving around and looking out for could be harder still.

Well it's easier to comment don't have a baby when you are already pregnant or have a baby yourself, however due to ur previous comment about ur dh being away and you not being able to handle it, so the answer is that probably not the best idea to have another, children with small age gaps are hard work aswel imo (just had to add that last bit 😩)

I’m nearly 43 and we’ll be trying for a 3rd. It will need ivf probably as my eggs gave been rubbish since I was 21 but I know plenty of people who’ve had 3 kids between 43-47 natutally. So go for it!

I was doing school run at 50. It’s no big deal.

Also you maybe sandwiched in the future between caring for your children plus your parents, that's how it is for a lot of people in their 50's, plus the added joys of the menopause.

Depending on where you live you'll still be doing the school run at 50 if you gave birth at 35 😂.

OP would be BEGINNING the school run at 50 with the youngest if she had another. She would still be doing the school run at 57 at a minimum, and if she lives somewhere the child would need transport until end of school she'd be doing it until over 60.

I wouldn't just because of the what it's. I know someone who has yet to return from maternity leave because her last pregnancy has left her with life changing health problems -the child is fine but she's been unable to work for the past two years. I appreciate it's an extreme and unlikely situation but it can happen.

You have two healthy children and it sounds like you have a happy marriage. I'd count your blessings.

My mother was 43 when I was born. Memories for me include cringing embarrassment at junior school when other kids would say "are you sure that she's your Mummy and not your Grandma?" and horrible angry clashes with her when I hit puberty at exactly the same time as she hit the menopause. Then she died when I was only in my twenties, just as we were beginning to know each other as adults.
It's up to you what you do, but I still feel emotionally damaged by my experience of having an older mother.

I’m 42 and I would rather stick pins in my eyes 🤣

I understand that some women feel a strong urge for another baby at the end of their fertile years, but it’s definitely bypassed me.

Fully agree. I'm 41 with a 6m old, it's is just so so so hard. You would be utterly mad to do this imo. But that's for you to decide.

Two is a lovely number..... one for each hand. I'm 42 with 20yr old and 22yr old so quite different to your situation, I have always wanted a girl but I know I could not cope with the lack of sleep and everything else that comes with another. Hope you make a decision that suits your family.

Even lovely teens are incredibly draining emotionally practically and financially. We praise the lord daily we stopped at 2.

Billy as always speaks wise sense.

That hormonal urge is so powerful! Please think of the wonderful times you'll be able to share with your girls when they are teens - just did Harry Styles with my two. As the third, I know I took precious attention, as the baby, from my two older siblings. And the wise MNetters pointing out that number 3 could be extra challenging need listening to.

I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make. This is quite commonplace both at private schools & the worst school areas - as women do tend to have late in live babies there. Nobody normal bats an eyelid.

When you say 'I know I can't have another', do you mean it's impossible for medical reasons?

Just that I wouldn't be wanting to be doing the school run with my DC in my 60s 🤷‍♀️

I’d love to go back and experience my two as babies again- I can get sad if I think of never having a newborn again but hell no do I want anymore children- no no no! Two children I still have a vague life, 3 would floor me and the sacrifice wouldn’t be worth it