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AIBU?

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Original poster

Left the home. What do I do now?

55 replies

Wheredowegonoww · 17/06/2023 13:29

Hi.

NC. this is outing

I have 3 children. 4 year old and 1 year old twins.

I spent the night away from home for a break. First time in years.

Got home. 'D'P (now ex partner) lost it. Called one of my babies a c*nt. said if she was his age he would've beaten her up! Pretended to punch me but stopped last minute. Smashed something up in the kitchen.

We've left. We've got a place to stay until Monday but what do we do after that? I have £80 to my name until next month as I only paid £900 rent yesterday.

I just need some advice really. Where do we go from here? He sent a grovelling apology but I'm done. I've taken verbal abuse for years but I will NOT have my children go through that.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 17/06/2023 13:43

I'm so sorry you and your children have suffered this. He sounds very abusive.

Well done for leaving with your children. That's a brilliant first step.

I would suggest ignoring his pathetic grovelling and contacting women's aid for your area. They will be able to help you.

Do you have someone you can trust who you can confide in? A friend/parent/sister?

Original poster
Wheredowegonoww · 17/06/2023 13:45

Thanks for the response @PumpkinPie2016

I have spoken to members of my family who are encouraging.

I will look at Womens Aid now. Thank you Smile

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/06/2023 13:46

Whose name is on the tenancy?

Original poster
Wheredowegonoww · 17/06/2023 13:46

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Both of them

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 17/06/2023 13:46

Are you the sole tenant? Or are you both on the tenancy? Is it a private landlord - in which case do you deal with a lettings agent? - or a housing association/ council - in which case do you have a housing officer? If the relationship is over, would you rather stay in the family home with your children (without the ex) or move to somewhere different?

Presumably lots of your stuff is in the house. Have you got things like birth certificates/ your ID with you, or left it behind? Is there a time when your ex will definitely be out, when you (and a friend) could go and collect the most important items so they'll be safe?

No idea whereabout you are, but a good source of advice is https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
You can phone them on 0808 2000 247 24 hrs/day, so maybe worth doing that over the weekend?

Good luck, and well done for being brave enough to walk out!

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 17/06/2023 13:47

Well done OP. I would try telling him to leave so you and the DCs can move back in to your home. If you have to string him along that you ‘need space to think’ to get him out then do it. Then call the police and women’s aid for protection and advice.

Original poster
Wheredowegonoww · 17/06/2023 13:47

@Longtimelurkerfinallyposts

Joint tenancy, private landlord.

He is out tonight so I am able to go get important documents and things. I would like a new home. I have never been happy there and I would like a fresh start. Appreciate that isn't easy though

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 17/06/2023 13:49

Did you take your paperwork? Can you take someone with you to retrieve paperwork ( passports, birth certificates, banking info) from the house?

polon · 17/06/2023 13:54

Please call women's aid. They will help you find somewhere to stay where you will be safe.

SleeplessinScarbourough · 17/06/2023 13:54

Get the important documents while he’s out tonight - but after have as little contact with Ex as possible, don’t negotiate that you have the house and he moves out between yourselves- present as homeless and go through the protective channels.

TheHandbag · 17/06/2023 14:05

When you go back tonight, take someone with you and Bold the door from the inside. It'll give you a bit of extra security whilst you're packing.

Re rent payment, you mention that you paid £900 towards the rent. Is this the wild amount or your half & if it's the full amount then why are you responsible for paying all of it?

If there's a joint account, then do a big shop for the children for nappies, formula etc & next size up clothes and shoes.

Put a claim in towards child maintenance and call the police on non emergency no to tell them he threatened violence towards the children & you. This way there is a record of his aggression if he tries for full custody.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/

Family

Get advice on family, looking after people and when a relationship ends.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family

Spidey66 · 17/06/2023 14:13

Well done on leaving him. I know it's not easy.

I think a DV organisation is the first step as they should help getting immediate accommodation in a refuge. DV is a more than acceptable reason for council or HA properties and a refuge should be able to support with this. However as its such short supply, I can imagine this would be difficult as they may want evidence eg police and hospital or GP reports. Good luck xxxx

Original poster
Wheredowegonoww · 17/06/2023 22:15

Thanks everyone. Spoke to women's aid and they're finding us a place in a refuge but if not will help us with the council.

Went back and got the kids things tonight and a few bits for myself.

He's been messaging me like nothing has happened and I'm not sure what to do. He's ringing constantly and messaging me on everything. I feel conflicted because they're also his children, even if he doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
sureigot20 · 17/06/2023 22:31

Read your first post back. Don't go back.

Cherrysoup · 17/06/2023 22:35

Block him, at least temporarily. Don’t go back except to get belongings. He said your baby was a cunt and said he’d beat her up if she was his age?! What on earth is wrong with him??

CobbldyCook · 17/06/2023 22:40

Terrible to read how you’ve been treated OP. Follow the good advice of others here. Don’t respond to his calls etc. Don’t go back. Make sure you and your children are safe.

Softoprider · 17/06/2023 22:44

OP don't allow him to make you feel conflicted when you know what he is really like. You seriously need to get away from him and stay away. I think you are brave to leave. You have taken the first step to a better life for all of you and you can keep on walking. I admire you for this. I wish you the very best of luck.

Tilllly · 17/06/2023 22:54

💪🏻
You've got this

It'll feel chaotic and challenging for a little while, but then it'll be amazing to be free of him

octoberfarm · 18/06/2023 03:57

Don't go back OP. You've been so brave and your kids are so lucky to have you standing up for them and knowing what they (and you) deserve, which is so much better than him. The short term may feel hard and uncertain but the long term gain for all of you will be so huge. You don't need to feel bad for him because they're his kids too - he didn't feel bad when he was saying awful things and threatening to hurt you. You can do this, for them and for you. I promise 💪

Thoughtful2355 · 18/06/2023 04:12

they usually act like everythings all normal to gaslight you, make you think your over reacting and actually it wasnt bad etc. Its a normal tactic for them to do

IneedcoffeeinanIV · 18/06/2023 04:39

Never ever go back. You've absolutely done the right thing here. Calling a baby a cunt and saying they would beat them up?! Shouldn't ever even be an intrusive thought let alone to say out loud. I'm so sorry for you and you little ones and I hope you find somewhere soon

Nanaof1 · 18/06/2023 04:54

He will do anything, say anything to try and get you back. Honestly, it isn't out of love that he is doing that. It's because he no longer has control over you and that is upsetting him. He cannot believe you stood up for yourself and your DC.

You owe it to yourself and your DC to never, ever, go back to that environment. I would make sure he only gets supervised visits with them for a long time. He sounds vindictive and should not be trusted.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/06/2023 05:01

He wants you back because you fleeing like this makes him look bad. He also values your financial contribution, work around the house and the sex.

I would send a message saying that you need to block him temporarily but will be in touch to arrange contact with the DC. That will give you a clear headspace to plan your next moves. Then follow the advice of womens aid Good luck, I’m really proud of you.

PaigeMatthews · 18/06/2023 05:13

Wheredowegonoww · 17/06/2023 22:15

Thanks everyone. Spoke to women's aid and they're finding us a place in a refuge but if not will help us with the council.

Went back and got the kids things tonight and a few bits for myself.

He's been messaging me like nothing has happened and I'm not sure what to do. He's ringing constantly and messaging me on everything. I feel conflicted because they're also his children, even if he doesn't seem to care.

He theeatened to beat one of your babies up. That told you he hated that child so much he would kill them. That told you he was prepared to kill his child to stop you leaving the house. To make sure the point was drilled home he went to punch you too. if this isnt absolutely the line in the sand for you, what is?

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