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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband out drinking whilst baby is sick

29 replies

MCMP13 · 17/06/2023 10:51

AIBU? My husband went out for a drink with a friend last night, they just went to a pub, nothing special, about 10 min taxi ride away. He doesn’t go out for a drink often. My baby was having some sort of allergic reaction at home with me, really upset (in discomfort), spewing and hives. It was due to food allergies, reactions do not happen often but when they do, I have what I need to deal with it. I had to give the meds, put the cream on, change the bedsheets 🤮🤮and try get to sleep.

My question is AIBU expecting my husband to come home from the pub? I only ask as I know if I was out and he told me what was happening with our baby, I would come straight home. Is it just a ‘mum’ thing to want to comfort their sick child? He rocked up at 1am with no phone or wallet and painted the toilet with sick.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/06/2023 10:58

If my husband was able to handle it no I would not rush home, if I was handling it no I would not expect him home

If it was that serious that it needed both of us or if one of us was always out and the other wasn't able to have a chance to go out then a different story

Original poster
MCMP13 · 17/06/2023 11:01

@WandaWonder Fair enough thank you for your reply x

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/06/2023 11:03

Fine for him to take your lead, and if you said you were ok, to stay out. Not fine to get shit faced. I might stay out to finish a meal, but I’d expect to come back by 11 in a reasonable state and take over. He sounds like a selfish prick.

4timesthefun · 17/06/2023 11:03

I wouldn’t expect him to come home unless I needed him, but I would expect him to remain in control of himself…. Then again, I’d find it wildly unattractive if my partner ever drank to the point of vomiting. He is 39 not 19, and left that behind 20 years ago!

Curtains70 · 17/06/2023 11:05

Hmm tough one because I see what you mean. I would 100% come home however I wouldn't necessarily expect DH to come home. Although to be fair mine would in a heartbeat if I asked him to.

Olivia199 · 17/06/2023 11:07

I think being at the pub nearby with a friend having a drink, which he doesn't do often is fine. If you'd needed him then of course he should have come back.

Totally get what you're saying though, if I knew my daughter was sick then I'd want to be home.

However, turning up at 1am and painting the toilet with sick? When he knows he's got a poorly child at home? Now that would 1000% not be okay.

Stressfordays · 17/06/2023 11:08

If he doesn't go out very often, I don't see the issue with him staying out if you can handle the situation. I'm a lone parent so I'm very used to dealing with it all alone so I guess my opinion is a bit clouded as I don't see why it takes 2 to care for a poorly kid.

Feel for you on the allergy front though, I'm currently dealing with the same with my daughter.

Olivia199 · 17/06/2023 11:08

The other thing that would have pissed me off is the fact he knew his child was unwell, he knew he might be needed, and go drunk enough to misplace his phone and wallet. How could you have contacted him if needed? He's just completely checked out. Best solution personally would have been that he went and just kept in mind that his child might need him. Checked in a couple times. Kept drinks to a minimum. Not get that bad, lose the method of keeping in touch and then vomming everywhere.

takealettermsjones · 17/06/2023 11:10

I agree with PPs, while it's stressful of course, if I knew I could handle it at home and there was no need to go to A&E for example, then no I wouldn't expect him to come home. But I wouldn't be impressed by him rolling in shitfaced and throwing up. I presume he's useless today as a result?

FlounderingFruitcake · 17/06/2023 11:11

I don’t think it takes 2 people to look after 1 sick child so wouldn’t have had a problem at all with him going on the planned night out. With all the bugs at nursery DH and I would cancel more often than not if one of the kids being unwell required both of us. However I would be seriously unimpressed with the vomming all over the bathroom and losing his his phone and wallet which is pathetically teenage for a grown man. He should ensured he was in a fit state to take over with baby early this morning and give you a lie in to make up for last night but I’m guessing he’s probably hungover and that hasn’t happened.

SnapPop · 17/06/2023 11:15

Did you ask him to come home and he refused? Or did he offer and you say no don't worry? Or did neither of you mention it?

5128gap · 17/06/2023 11:18

I'd have expected him to come home still in charge of his bodily functions, not creating any more work or stress for me and capable of being of some assistance with his baby. If he could do all that and be in for 1am, no problem. If he can't stay out late and manage his drink like an adult I'd have expected him to come home early.
(Or possibly never again. But I have no time or tolerance for messy drunks over the age of 25 so I'm a bit extreme!)

JudgeJ · 17/06/2023 11:19

I know if I was out and he told me what was happening with our baby, I would come straight home.

How to make him feel inadequate! So many mothers complain about 'useless Dads', (I know you haven't), yet cling to the idea that she is more important than he is. It's making caring for a child into a competitive event, 'I'm better than you'.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 17/06/2023 11:22

He wasn't wrong to go out.

But to get so drunk he has put your immediate finances at risk by losing both wallet and phone plus puking, and presumably leaving it for to clean up, is not the behaviour of someone happy or in control of his feelings.

When he is sober you need a chat. And sod his delicate head or hurty feelings. He has to grow up and this is Strike One...

MoreCoffeeAndCake · 17/06/2023 11:22

If he doesn't go out often and you were managing on your own, I wouldn't expect him to come back or to cut his night short. It doesn't take two people to look after a sick child.

OK it's not nice to clean up sick but doesn't sound like you thought DD needed medical attention? If you thought she needed to go to hospital, I would absolutely expect him back.

Hope you find what DD is allergic to, to help you manage her diet and reactions.

Cocoalover · 17/06/2023 11:23

I personally wouldn't be able to go out if my baby was sick, but I think mothers and fathers are very different when it comes to stuff like that. My partner wouldn't go out for a drink if ds was sick. We are a team, and we help each other

BMW6 · 17/06/2023 11:29

A drink or 2 locally then back by 11pm fine.

Rolling in pissed at 1am and puking like a teenager NOT FUCKING FINE

aSofaNearYou · 17/06/2023 11:38

My DP would cancel and rearrange if at all possible in these circumstances.

dhilez · 17/06/2023 11:42

Reverse this… Man at home with sick baby annoyed his wife won’t immediately return home to ‘help’.

Im sure the replies would be the same 🤔

Equalitea · 17/06/2023 11:46

I’d have gone out and stayed out. I can’t do anymore than my DH can do. There’s no way I’d have asked my DH to come home. It doesn’t take two.

This is providing that hospital wasn’t necessary/it wasn’t an emergency.

Olivia199 · 17/06/2023 11:57

dhilez · 17/06/2023 11:42

Reverse this… Man at home with sick baby annoyed his wife won’t immediately return home to ‘help’.

Im sure the replies would be the same 🤔

I don't think it's so much about him staying out. That certainly wouldn't bother me. But coming home at 1am, throwing up and having lost phone and wallet? That's probably less okay. Getting that drunk when you know your child's not well, not having a phone to be contacted if the allergy hadn't responded to treatment?

If it was flipped and it was about a mother leaving her sick child with dad and only coming home at 1am, drunk, throwing up and missing phone and purse I'm fairly should the responses would be the same. Potentially quite a lot harsher.

Maray1967 · 17/06/2023 12:13

BMW6 · 17/06/2023 11:29

A drink or 2 locally then back by 11pm fine.

Rolling in pissed at 1am and puking like a teenager NOT FUCKING FINE

Agreed. This is exactly what mine would have done - have two or three and then come home.

JeminaPudd · 17/06/2023 12:23

Where were his phone and wallet?

Louoby · 17/06/2023 12:28

I would of given him the heads up to let him know. I'd suggest he stay out unless things change. But I would expect him to stay in "control" and not get shit faced at the point he's out of it incase things escalated and you did need his help. It's too late now but perhaps for the future tell him this is what your expect.

BitOutOfPractice · 17/06/2023 12:31

Did you ask him and he refused? Or did you just expect him to know you wanted him home?

because no I wouldn’t expect it.

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