To not feel sorry for my cousin?

[orangesilk]

My cousin is in his 50s. He went to private school and then university. Then went travelling the globe where he settled down in Kenya where he married a local woman (white) and was a teacher at a private school there. They lived the expat high life of country clubs and mixed in very elitist circles. They never bought a place and got priced out of their community.

They’ve since moved back to the UK due to safety concerns. He doesn’t work now as they've had a lovely little boy. His wife seems to flit from one job to the other but none really pay very much. As such they have very little money. They’ve bought a house only because our shared grandfather took pity and gave them a large deposit (it’s in a very affordable area).

The thing is, that he’s constantly complaining about how little money they have. How hard life is in the UK and how he has to work full
time to look after the house. In Kenya they had staff to do things for them. I see their little boy missing out on so much because they can’t afford to give it to him, but it’s not because of a lack of ability to earn that money. They just choose not to, or think it should essentially be given to them on a plate.

You lost me at the need to clarify the ethnicity of his wife. Why? It wasn't relevant to the post at all

I'm not really sure why you are asking this? You don't feel sorry for him and wondering if you are unreasonable feeling this?

But their life does sound hard. Maybe you should walk a mile in their shoes before you go judging

YANBU not to feel sorry for them. Not sure what his wife’s skin colour has to do with anything though!

And I'm unsure why you wrote (white)

I clarified because it makes a big difference in post-colonial countries like Kenya, where the white community have entrenched privileges.

Nice story. Not really sure what you want out out of it though. are you resentful that they were gifted a deposit?

I’m not resentful they were gifted a deposit at all. It just angers me that essentially her husband thinks life should be great and easy for them because they were born white. It’s almost as if they were ignorant to the struggles around their lovely lifestyle in Kenya, and now that reality of life hits they don’t like it.

her husband

Your cousin.

Sorry typo- I meant his wife. But yes, both my cousin and his wife.

Surely you can see why living in Kenya, which used to be part of the British Empire, somebody being white would be extremely relevant.

I get why you wrote that she was white, ie, this is not about a power imbalance, ie, he didn't swan in with his relative wealth and marry a local woman who might have imagined he'd be wealthier, or a local woman who married for security. I thought it was kind of relevant. Anyway, if I am not familiar with Kenyan social structure, I apologise..

Back to your cousin, I wouldn't feel sorry for him, but I would let him know, indirectly, that what you see is who he is not what he has.

I am your cousin's age and I have lived in three countries in my adult life, all in Europe though, I do feel ''behind'' my peers economically and I used to feel judged as less than. That's always going to be the way though. I am lucky I have enough. That's starting to matter a lot.

Most people his age are detaching from that stage of their lives where it was all accumulate accumulate..... and valuing health, freedom, peace, relationships. Although, I know, money makes these things easier in a lot of ways.

I don't want people who have more than I have to feel sorry for me though! Last thing I want.

OP I know what you mean.

Not quite the same but I have cousins in India who are used to having staff, they've never had to cook, clean, budget, meal plan etc.

They tried to come over to England to establish their careers etc. but had no idea how "hard" life would be here. Needless to say they went back.

It's fair to say that being rich in a poor country affords some people a privilege that is very hard to let go of, and makes living in a country that by comparison is more equal difficult to adjust to.

If he's in his 50s and a qualified teacher, he needs to get a job pronto.

I know a family in Kenya actually, they earn way less than us and they've had a housekeeper nanny gardener and driver for the whole time they've had kids!! They both work full time and said they know they have to move soon as it's not a forever place to live if you are ex pats, and that the adjustment for cost and quality of life will be a nightmare.

Tbh OP I think you are being awful. Sure they had it great there but this is a HUGE culture shock for them and a 100% adjustment for the little kid. It's really hard to get used to a brand new and much worse quality of life - the least you can do is not bitch about them!

All these people claiming not to understand why his wife’s ethnicity is mentioned in the OP 🙄

I’m very familiar with Kenyan society and I think you’re over egging the pudding with your description of them ‘living the expat high life of country clubs and mixed in very elitist circles’.

It just angers me that essentially her husband thinks life should be great and easy for them because they were born white.
Have they actually said this OP? Because if you'd put that in your OP it would have made some sense. And if they haven't said this it's a horrible embellishment to make that assumes they're racist.

How hard life is in the UK and how he has to work full
time to look after the house. In Kenya they had staff to do things for them
I bet the staff were not as white as the wife.

Their life is the way it is because of the decisions they have made and it really doesn't sound that difficult.

They chose not to buy a property when living in Kenya or put savings away. He has now chosen to not work in the UK because apparently taking care of the house is a full time job. Wonder how most people manage to work full time, raise their children and look after their homes? This guy is just lazy and used to having staff.

His previous life was privileged rather than this life being so hard we should 'all walk a mile in his shoes' before judging him. Most of us are living his life just without being given a house deposit and the luxury of not working.

Is anyone actually expecting you to feel sorry for them?

I get that it might be irritating to have to listen to them if they’re complaining but then that’s your opportunity to tell them what you think if you want to. Telling them directly that you don’t want to listen to their complaints would be much more effective than bitching about them on mumsnet.

Don’t be around him then. Problem solved.

This is all about the “large deposit” the “shared grandfather” gave to the white Kenyan woman. Op is raging. Haha.

I have some sympathy with the op having had to deal with ex pats or people from different continents where a relatively insignificant level of wealth purchases huge privilege in the context of paid help.

They do sometimes wind up friends and colleagues with their tales of their perfect life overseas, their sometimes high handed manner, particularly with more junior colleagues, and mostly their lack of a filter when describing life at home, the tendency to be a little superior and an inability to acknowledge that everyone else is thinking "well over here love, you're in a little flat and your husband's working in Waitrose".

I really don't understand why you care so much. Have you got very little going on in your own life or is it just raging jealousy of him and his (white) wife? Also, FYI, a friend of mine married a (black) woman from Kenya and she's extremely wealthy, as are her family, so your assumptions are very outdated.