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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel sorry for my cousin?

41 replies

orangesilk · 17/06/2023 10:00

My cousin is in his 50s. He went to private school and then university. Then went travelling the globe where he settled down in Kenya where he married a local woman (white) and was a teacher at a private school there. They lived the expat high life of country clubs and mixed in very elitist circles. They never bought a place and got priced out of their community.

They’ve since moved back to the UK due to safety concerns. He doesn’t work now as they've had a lovely little boy. His wife seems to flit from one job to the other but none really pay very much. As such they have very little money. They’ve bought a house only because our shared grandfather took pity and gave them a large deposit (it’s in a very affordable area).

The thing is, that he’s constantly complaining about how little money they have. How hard life is in the UK and how he has to work full
time to look after the house. In Kenya they had staff to do things for them. I see their little boy missing out on so much because they can’t afford to give it to him, but it’s not because of a lack of ability to earn that money. They just choose not to, or think it should essentially be given to them on a plate.

OP posts:

Goldbar · 17/06/2023 10:53

I find that many people, especially men, hugely undervalue labour in the home and childcare until they have to do it themselves. It's categorised disparaging as "wifework" and looked down upon (or outsourced in low- wage economies). Possibly he thought being a SAHP would be easier than it is (and perhaps easier than working) and he'd have lots of time. Instead of which he doesn't and the house is probably a lot messier than he's used to and so he might be a bit bitter about that. So although I have limited sympathy, I can see how life might look very grey from his perspective atm. However, children grow, people adapt and circumstances change so hopefully he'll realise he's going to need to pull his finger out and get working if his family are going to have a decent standard of living.

Backstreets · 17/06/2023 10:54

I wouldn’t pity them either, but he’s allowed a moan! And then you get to complain about stuff bothering you. That’s what passes for catching up in my family anyway

MayThe4th · 17/06/2023 10:55

To the posters questioning why her ethnicity is important, it’s important because it is an indication of how people live in certain countries.

In many African countries white people have staff, who are absolutely not white. you’re not going to find many black families in Africa with white staff or even black staff, but you’ll find plenty of white ones with black staff.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 17/06/2023 11:01

I know what you mean. I guess it's culture shock. I have a lovely colleague who moved from South Africa. They are both working very hard to provide a future for their kids. He said the reality of the cost of childcare and the difficulties in finding it was a bit of a shock. The home they live in is a fraction of the size. But it is safe and life is valued and they are very grateful to have that.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/06/2023 11:13

How long have they been back? I do think it’s a massive culture shock to lose your standard of living like that. I’ve lived overseas a lot as a teacher and see how expats get used to their relative wealth and status, especially men. It’s a shock to then just be another ordinary person in Britain and need to work harder to get any quality of life. I do know some teachers who moved back and couldn’t hack teaching in schools here and the low quality of life compared to what they had- and they went back.

also, 50s is late to have a 4yo so your cousin is probably finding life tiring. Of course these are all from his decisions but it doesn’t mean you can’t sympathise.

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 11:16

Blinkingheckythump · 17/06/2023 10:02

You lost me at the need to clarify the ethnicity of his wife. Why? It wasn't relevant to the post at all

I noticed that too - as did others, I imagine…

Cam22 · 17/06/2023 11:17

MayThe4th · 17/06/2023 10:55

To the posters questioning why her ethnicity is important, it’s important because it is an indication of how people live in certain countries.

I think we all realise that. I feel you’re missing the point, somewhat.

thecatsthecats · 17/06/2023 11:27

I get what you feel.

My brother has lived abroad quite a lot, and as a tall and quite good looking Englishman, with a quite good character and sense of humour, he was kind of revered in the countries he worked in.

Given expensive presents by parents to influence his favour of students, lots of the female ones really fancying him etc.

He's since come back to the UK having made no savings whatsoever living abroad, bought a house with my parents help (they gave the same to all of us but he only had their money for a deposit). On off girlfriend for 15 years. Steady unexciting job. Recent persistent illness.

He's relentlessly negative since he's come back. Really horrible about anyone he perceives as having so much as a penny more than him. Spiteful and jealous comments about what my husband and I have, negative comments about anyone spending money on anything ever - has quite the console and game collection though.

I think he can't let go of the glory days, and seems to feel like they should be given back to him without any effort on his part.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 17/06/2023 11:28

I worked with a lady who had lived in Kenya for years. She really struggled to get used to not having everything done for her and having to work for a living. It was all very beneath her but it was a culture shock same as any other.

How long have they been here? (You might have said, sorry).

Fiddledediddledeedee · 17/06/2023 11:31

Not really sure what the issue is.
Is mentioning he went to private school and lived in Kenya with servants an issue. Maybe you are feeling a little jealous.
Hes had an upheaval and life is more difficult here than what he is used to. Surely some family support wouldn’t go amiss.

FatalKittehCharms · 17/06/2023 11:34

I see where OP is coming from. Ex-pats in countries like Kenya have high paying jobs with orgs like the UN, with private school often paid for.

Not sure how much they’re actually helping the local community.

Zippedydoo123 · 17/06/2023 11:41

I think these issues are cultural. Culture shock and cultural adaptation can be very hard to stomach. I have met many ethnicities from living in London over 20 years when younger and heard many stories/life experience. The differences can be very stark and as we get older it is harder to adapt around drastic change.

They are experiencing a loss of status too which must be hard.

zingally · 17/06/2023 11:44

Who cares?

If they want to bitch and moan about how hard life is, let them. None of it impacts on you in any way, unless of course there's a teensy bit of jealousy about the deposit from grandfather? I think anyone would be a biiiit annoyed about that. I know I would be, if one of my grandparents gave a hefty sum to a cousin, and didn't treat the others in a similar way.

I think if you accepted that you're feeling a bit arsey about that deposit, then your general annoyance towards them might subside a bit.

Forestfriendlygarden · 17/06/2023 11:48

Yes, would go with it being harder to adapt to change as you get older.

I'm not sure whether this is the aftermath of the pandemic or not, but it seems many people imagine others' lives to be different than what they actually are...fear of the 'other'?

There seems a trend to very quickly judge others - i.e. people on benefits, single parents, people not on benefits, people who are houseowners, people who are housing association tenants...it seems endless. I catch myself doing it at times but then i check myself...

...noone can completely get the day to day reality of someone else's life...

having kids is not easy..there is always the unexpected to deal with...life throws curve balls at us...constantly...

...I am sure there are those who would judge me for who they imagine I am ...on grounds of things they have no idea about actually...because they don't know me...

What was that about 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone...?'

Of course there isn't anyone without sin...noone!

LaMaG · 17/06/2023 12:19

Reminds me of an acquaintance, upper class African woman who married British man. They moved here for safety reasons and she could do nothing, she didn't even know how to grocery shop or clean, let alone cook. They had a baby too, she made life very difficult for in laws asking for help constantly and complaining, occasionally throwing a tantrum. She was utterly incompetent whereas the British man just got on with it, he preferred the easy life of course but at least he knew how to live. I felt sorry for her in a way but had little tolerance for the whining.

Comedycook · 17/06/2023 12:56

The thing is in a lot of non western countries, people who are middle class often have a much easier life, more pampered life than middle class people in the western world. I have an Indian friend from a middle class family. The family are very shocked that in the UK they can't just get staff to come in and clean up after their meals and make their beds and clear up. Sure many people in the UK will have a cleaner once a week but it's only the upper classes who have staff every day to do things for them. In poorer countries there are lots and lots of poor people willing to work for a pittance. I know plenty of girls I went to school with who live abroad and have nannies and so much help that they could never afford in the UK.

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