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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it me? Is it over?

41 replies

Itsmealone · 17/06/2023 08:12

My husband and I had a huge argument at 3am this morning. Neither of us have really slept since. We have a 4yo and a 6 month old. I have been ill this week but have had to get on with looking after both children. Fast forward to last night and baby wanted feeding at 3am. I wait for him to take her, thinking he might as he knew I was still ill (albeit nowhere near as bad). All he did was try shushing her so I got so angry. I jumped up and made a bottle then when I went back to the bed to get baby he said he would do it. I said that there's no point now I'm up and went into saying that he could have got up before I did. He said he thought she was going back to sleep and didn't know I was doing the bottle. I just stormed out and fed the baby. I brought her back to bed where she was wide awake so got up again. Husband then says "ill get up" and we argue again with me telling him he could have done it before, he never gets up at night with her (she doesn't do it often maybe once per week) and again i stormed off to living room. He then gets up and takes her and says for me to go back to bed. I tell him no he should as I'm awake and again we argue over the fact he knew I was ill so he could have got up. I told him he doesn't care and he said I'm always angry and pick on him. It went on.and on and he got really upset crying and told me to leave him alone as I'm pushing him too far.
I have hardly slept since. He is a great dad and would do anything I asked. I guess I got so worked up that I thought he would just get up. I feel really guilty and not sure if we can fix this. Back story is that we have been arguing alot more probably since our first dd was born 4 years ago. It has just got worse with the second. He says I am angry at him all the time, snappy and don't like him anymore as I criticise everything he does. I feel I am snappy and I do know I get angry or lose my temper or get easily offended. I know he doesn't but he has changed too. He seems disinterested in anything I have to say and I feel we don't talk that much anymore even though he says we do.

I can't stress enough how lovely he really is. He would do anything to help anyone. He contributes round the house we are 50_50 with most things. I don't know what's happened. I think I've gone too far with getting annoyed in the middle of the night now.
I don't know what I want because I feel I am being unreasonable and just feel so sad that I have destroyed my marriage. I woke him up from the sofa to go to bed when i got up and hes still upset with me. Can I fix this? How? I am so sad.

OP posts:
devildeepbluesea · 17/06/2023 08:14

A good friend of mine gave me some advice when I had DD: anything said by either her or her DH between the hours of 11pm and 6am is forgotten immediately.

TeaKitten · 17/06/2023 08:15

You need to apologise and explain you were over tired and behaved badly. Why are you angry? Is it something you are getting help
for? How often are you like this with him?

grimmers44 · 17/06/2023 08:18

Sounds like you could be suffering from PND, when I had it I was always on a short fuse and nothing anyone did was right.

BillyBraggisnotmylover · 17/06/2023 08:19

You apologise, and maybe think about seeking some support with your level of irritability. I totally get the middle of the night rage, I’ve been there, but he repeatedly gave you an opportunity to go back to bed and you cut your nose off to spite your face. If he is generally a good guy you owe it to him to work on whatever’s eating at you.

towriteyoumustlive · 17/06/2023 08:22

You owe your DH an apology.

He was trying to help and you were so rude to him and out of order.

It's perfectly normal to try and shush the baby first to see if they'll go back to sleep. It's not always milk they need.

He did what he thought was right and you were vile to him.

electriclight · 17/06/2023 08:25

Whilst I tend to think that middle of-the-night arguments are best forgotten, it does sound as if you both feel that your relationship is strained and deteriorating so maybe it is good that he gave you his honest opinion about how he feels. Now you can both decide what to do about it.

continentallentil · 17/06/2023 08:25

Oh OP it’s just a middle of the night row.

Apologise and talk to him about how you’re feeling. Can he take on a night a week? What do you need do feel less snappy? (Other than sleep!) The little kid phase is so hard

continentallentil · 17/06/2023 08:26

towriteyoumustlive · 17/06/2023 08:22

You owe your DH an apology.

He was trying to help and you were so rude to him and out of order.

It's perfectly normal to try and shush the baby first to see if they'll go back to sleep. It's not always milk they need.

He did what he thought was right and you were vile to him.

she does but don’t be so OTT, everyone is snappy sometimes

kagerou · 17/06/2023 08:27

I'm sorry but it does sound like you have terrible communication with your DH.

He did get up first and thought baby was going back to sleep with soothing when you grumpily got up and forced a bottle on her? I'm sure if you hadn't have done that she either would have gone back to sleep or he would have had the same idea and done it.

Also both times he offered to stay up but you refused and it seems you did this in order to be angry with him!

Yes it would be nice if sometimes he got up without you asking but maybe you need to tell him this.

You say that he does 50/50 around the house but has he also gone back to work? If he has while you are on maternity and he still manages to split household chores then I think YABVU.

Just talk with him and lay out what you expect, don't ask him to be a mind reader and see how it goes from there

SnapPop · 17/06/2023 08:30

Could you arrange to have couples counselling? I think this would have a high chance of success for you, because it sounds like the main issue is poor communication between you. A good counsellor will be able to give you lots of techniques to improve this.

BakedTattie · 17/06/2023 08:32

We’ve all been there at that night feed, getting annoyed at a partner etc.

I do think you overreacted. You’re tired and ill so I get you. But stomping about on a foul mood because you expected your husband to do something, but didn’t actually say that, makes you unreasonable.

I do think if that was a man doing that, everyone would be saying he’s aggressive/abusive/LTB.

i think you need to apologise. Move on and try calm it down bit.

hope you feel better soon

mimoo1 · 17/06/2023 08:34

I would let it go.
Have been in this situation many times when the kids were of a similar age.

It's just the stress of everything, the constant doing things for everyone else, the lack of sleep etc. It just creates a massive strain on the relationship for a few years.

It sounds like he's normally nice so I would power on through.

My kids are now 3 & 6 and it has gotten so much easier since the youngest turned 3 (sorry, not helpful), but basically we argued a LOT for about 6 years!!

RoseDeWittBukatter · 17/06/2023 08:35

The mistake you made was not letting him do it the first time he said " I'll do it "

Aprilx · 17/06/2023 08:35

I am afraid that I agree you are on course for destroying your marriage if you cannot work through this and handle situations better. I honestly don’t think he did anything wrong here, other than he initially thought of handling it differently to you, but then he made every effort to make you happy. If this is a regular thing, I also think you need couples counselling or even some solo counselling for you.

Buyyouflowers · 17/06/2023 08:36

continentallentil · 17/06/2023 08:26

she does but don’t be so OTT, everyone is snappy sometimes

Show quote history

She isn’t being OTT.

The op constantly had a go at her husband all night til he cried.

Parisj · 17/06/2023 08:36

You are sleep deprived. Or depressed. Apologise and ask him to work out a rock solid plan for who is 'on duty' for night wakings each night. No mind reading required.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 17/06/2023 08:37

Ah.

It sounds like you have a good marriage and overall you middle through together.

These moments - illness and small children and sleepless nights - test the best marriage.

Try to be kind to each other and give yourselves a break. Everyone has terrible rows at this life stage - its inevitable with the huge pressure.

What matters is can you hug and make up and say sorry where appropriate. And go on together.

This time round it sounds like you need to say sorry. I am sure your DH can understand that you aren't a saint.

Mvn · 17/06/2023 08:38

Buyyouflowers · 17/06/2023 08:36

She isn’t being OTT.

The op constantly had a go at her husband all night til he cried.

Show quote history

This. She took any reason for confrontation. No communication, insisting she got up with baby then snapping about it... I don't cry often at all, but I would have been in tears if my DP picked on me like that.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 17/06/2023 08:42

And instead of letting rage and resentment accumulate and spiral silently until you explode - talk about your feelings to your DH and what you need to be able to manage.

Tell him your overwhelmed and talk together about how you can work together to do some things differently. Just the act of being able to talk and work on it together will make all the difference.

ReachForTheMars · 17/06/2023 08:50

If he genuinely does 5050 why are you so snappy?

If he never does nights I think it was unrealistic to think he would spontaneously do it, especially if you have done them when you are more poorly woth no complaints.

I dont think you should have woken him from the sofa.

Just talk to him about what you actually want and need. If he is genuinely lovely you should find common ground.

SquaresandStarlings · 17/06/2023 08:53

This is all on you I'm afraid. Apologise and start being nicer to him if you want to save your marriage.

Mummy08m · 17/06/2023 08:58

It's really not the end of the world, or your marriage.

  • apologise
  • when it's day time, and you're both calm, calmly talk through an agreed plan of action for night wakings eg "on weeknights I'll get up, on weekends you get up. We try shushing for 5 mins first then we get a bottle".
  • try and be more friendly/affectionate/chatting, whatever you know works to build up the goodwill
  • consider bringing in extra help when one of you is ill, whatever that looks like. Eg your mum helps for a few hours in the afternoon so you can take a nap
Mummy08m · 17/06/2023 09:02

Also make a real effort not to intervene when it's his turn to do a thing, even if it's not "your way" (unless he's being actually unsafe obvs). Just roll your eyes silently but leave him to it.

When dd was a baby I got to know her cries, so I knew when it was a hungry cry or just "I need a cuddle" cry. Your dh maybe hasn't learnt them yet. So you knew she was hungry. Let him learn by trying different things. He'll quickly learn.

MammaTo · 17/06/2023 09:08

Anything said in the middle of the night with a 6 month old is a write off 😂😂

Say sorry for being snappy and move on - it’s not the end of the world to be a bit narky at 3am, sleep deprived and sick.

TimesRwo · 17/06/2023 09:10

Night rage is a very very real thing. I’ve been there. But this seems to be a combination of night rage plus being unwell but blown massively out of proportion.

Your daughter wakes up around once a week so it’s not like there’s a routine every night that she needs milk as soon as she wakes up. Your husband was dealing with her, but in a way that you didn’t approve of. I suspect that’s where the comment about criticism comes - you want it to be done your way and you expect him to read your mind (again, been there!).

He’s your child’s dad and your partner - you need to trust him and his way of doing things.

Is he really so bad that he deserved everything that he got last night? If so, then your marriage is clearly in trouble. If not, then you need to massively apologise. You really were out of order last night, and ordinarily, we would be advising the wrong partner to get their ducks in a row. It’s on you to change that.

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