Is it me? Is it over?

[Itsmealone]

My husband and I had a huge argument at 3am this morning. Neither of us have really slept since. We have a 4yo and a 6 month old. I have been ill this week but have had to get on with looking after both children. Fast forward to last night and baby wanted feeding at 3am. I wait for him to take her, thinking he might as he knew I was still ill (albeit nowhere near as bad). All he did was try shushing her so I got so angry. I jumped up and made a bottle then when I went back to the bed to get baby he said he would do it. I said that there's no point now I'm up and went into saying that he could have got up before I did. He said he thought she was going back to sleep and didn't know I was doing the bottle. I just stormed out and fed the baby. I brought her back to bed where she was wide awake so got up again. Husband then says "ill get up" and we argue again with me telling him he could have done it before, he never gets up at night with her (she doesn't do it often maybe once per week) and again i stormed off to living room. He then gets up and takes her and says for me to go back to bed. I tell him no he should as I'm awake and again we argue over the fact he knew I was ill so he could have got up. I told him he doesn't care and he said I'm always angry and pick on him. It went on.and on and he got really upset crying and told me to leave him alone as I'm pushing him too far.
I have hardly slept since. He is a great dad and would do anything I asked. I guess I got so worked up that I thought he would just get up. I feel really guilty and not sure if we can fix this. Back story is that we have been arguing alot more probably since our first dd was born 4 years ago. It has just got worse with the second. He says I am angry at him all the time, snappy and don't like him anymore as I criticise everything he does. I feel I am snappy and I do know I get angry or lose my temper or get easily offended. I know he doesn't but he has changed too. He seems disinterested in anything I have to say and I feel we don't talk that much anymore even though he says we do.

I can't stress enough how lovely he really is. He would do anything to help anyone. He contributes round the house we are 50_50 with most things. I don't know what's happened. I think I've gone too far with getting annoyed in the middle of the night now.
I don't know what I want because I feel I am being unreasonable and just feel so sad that I have destroyed my marriage. I woke him up from the sofa to go to bed when i got up and hes still upset with me. Can I fix this? How? I am so sad.

In all fairness he is a man and with our 4, 3 of which are under 2 I eventually realised all I had to do was say go sort whoever it is and give them a bottle and hubby would hop out of bed and that would be it. They don't think like us and just assume baby needs a cuddle or reassurance. We have similar hubbies they are very good, mine works then dives in with everything unasked as soon as he comes home..its rare I will ask for help in the night but the times I have I just made it clear what one of the babies wanted and that was that. There was really no need to go on like you did but I know your tired, feel ill so I understand that also. Just go apologise show some love and get on with the day and I hope you feel better soon

You need to apologise.
Secondly I think couples do argue more, your irritable due to having no sleep, communication is off because your too tired to talk about things, rationale is out the window, it’s incredibly hard.
You do seem that you went on and on and on if you made your DH cry.
What’s wrong with a “shhh shhhh” it worked for mine and still does. Obviously address a baby’s needs, but sometimes a little “shhh” sends them back to sleep.
I agree if the roles were reversed posters would be falling over themselves to say ltb. 😏

I agree. Honestly middle of the night arguments when people are ill and knackered are always unreasonable. Let the dust settle and then have an honest chat about it when you're both feeling up to it. You're coming a bit out of the trenches with baby now in terms of regaining evenings, so maybe you can take some time to work on spending time together and getting back into that habit. It's easy with young kids to let that side of things slide.

OP, you sound really stressed, and anxious. I think you need to sit down with DH and apologise and tell him how you’re feeling. I was a really anxious mother when my children were tiny and it sounds like you’re the same. Please own up to your feelings and where you might be in the wrong but without feeling guilty about it. Guilt won’t help. It’s about finding a way forward, not about beating yourself up

Why are you taking care of both kids when you’re ill?

He needs to step up, does he not know baby needs a night feed?

It could be middle of the night row that’s easily forgotten, but OP’s backstory is that it’s far from an isolated or occasional incident. He’s expressed how he feels and broken down in front of her, this after a period where she’s picked at him and he’s distanced himself from her.

it isn’t something she should dismiss, for the sake of her marriage.

Thank you everyone for your advice.
Just a few points:
-Baby would not have gone back to sleep, she co sleeps and this had been going on for half hour before I got up.
-This is not an isolated incident. We argue quite alot lately but never middle of the night.
-We have no one to help out nearby and he works full time whilst I am on mat leave.

• I am fully aware I am a horrible person, this is my fault and he should leave me, I just want to try and sort this out as I love him so much. We have been together for 18 years, since we were young. I never used to be so irritable and snappy. I referred myself for cbt and was diagnosed with anxiety but could not commit to the sessions due to no childcare at the moment.

Thanks for the honestly everyone

It sounds like you don't like him anymore. I'd struggle if my partner was irritable and lost their temper with me, even if it wasn't that regular. I'm not surprised he is disinterested in what you say if you are behaving like you are.

What does loosing your temper consist of? Do you loose you temper with other people or with your kids?

Do you want to save the marriage?

That is brilliant advice.

Your not a horrible person OP, your just tired, overwhelmed and maybe alittle depressed. Right now your stuck in a rutt and you need to get yourself out of it. Talk to each other, be affectionate, go different places, do different things and have date nights when the kids are in bed, even if its just at home, make an effort, you can make this work 💪❤

I am fully aware I am a horrible person, this is my fault and he should leave me

I agree you need you have couples work to do, but I think you’re blowing this out of proportion. No one is in their right mind at 3am, and no marriage with little kids is exempt from this, so move past this incident and focus on your wider communication issues. You both need to check in with each other to minimise this happening. You wake up in the morning or when he gets home from work - have a quick conversation: what percentage are you running at? 20%? Can he pull the 80% for you today? Anytime you can’t meet 100% together then you sit down and you figure out a plan of how not to hurt each other.

Schedule in date nights with no phones to reconnect.

Sort out childcare for your CBT - get a babysitter, ask to change appointments offered so you can go at a time best for your DH to take the kids, ask for remote or telephone appointments, sign up for an online CBT course that you can do whenever.

Oh those middle of the night tired arguments! I remember them well. I wouldn’t put too much store by them tbh.

I agree with others who say that you were in the wrong this time but context is everything. Small baby, illness, tired and anxious, no time for self-care, middle of the night. Go easy on yourself. Apologise and then try to find some time to recharge this weekend. Once you’re feeling a bit less stretched you’ll be in a better position to reconnect with your dh.

Amen! Also, anything I say whilst hungry doesn’t count either 😂

Thank you so much for giving me perspective. We spoke this morning after he had a lay in. I apologised and acknowledged that I was horrendous. He completely understood but said that I really frustrated him as he didn't know what to do for the best and was tired.
Will definitely take on some suggestions regarding our relationship (we have not had a "date" or even dinner by ourselves in 3 years). Also I acknowledged that I am irritable and angry with him alot, it is not just him I am just in general lately. I either get upset so easily or annoyed so easily. Sometimes I feel my kids are my only joy in life which is why I didn't consider pnd but have had two very traumatic births and a health problem in between. I will be making a dr appointment next week to talk it through as I promised my husband I would work on it and I do think I need that help.

Same with us. Best advice I could give to new parents!