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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I? Another good old-fashioned mn MIL rant

43 replies

Cappuccino · 22/02/2008 08:21

my mil is generally very lovely

but a while ago while we were having lots of work done on the house to adapt it for disabled dd and the ££s were stacking up, we went to stay at pils for a weekend. My parents had given us a lot of money towards the alterations, and eventually pils had stumped up a small amount. (They are not short of money, and dh knows that they often help out sil and it makes him a bit )

I took dh to the outlet village down the road to see if we could pick up another pair of the lovely fcuk jeans that made his bum look v nice and were only a tenner, since his old ones had a hole in

when I got back I sat down in an armchair with a coffee and happened to glance (oh, I know, this is where it all STARTS, and I know it was wrong, but am a nosy ex-journalist. Bite me) at a letter that mil was writing to a friend.

It said that I was getting dh into debt over the house and now was taking him down to town to spend even more, and I was addicted to shopping. We ought to be tightening our belts she said rather than going buying all the time.

Now this is ridiculous, you will never have met anyone more anal about money than me. My finance spreadsheets are legendary. I never spend anything if I can help it, and I barely have anything to wear, whereas mil is always at the shops buying stuff. I couldn't see how she had come to this conclusion after knowing me for over a decade, because of one trip to go get a cheap pair of jeans (which we couldn't even buy, they didn't have any)

Anyway ever since I have not wanted to go shopping when we stay at pils, which is sad because they live near lots of shops and a big city centre whereas our city centre is not the best place to shop.

This weekend we are going to pils and I want to go buy quite a few new things because as many of you know I have been ill for about 6 months and I want to get some stuff to wear to start getting out into the world again

but I don't want to cement her idea of me as a spendthrift

dh says if someone is 100% wrong you just ignore them and thinks his mother can go jump and it doesn't matter what she thinks

I don't really know why I do

do you?

OP posts:
Habbibu · 22/02/2008 08:31

I think your dh is right, Capp, but it's easier to say than do. Go and do your shopping, show her how excited and pleased you are, tell her you've been saving for ages. And if she looks sour then she has a miserable outlook on life and you can pity her inwardly...

tissy · 22/02/2008 08:32

I think you should bite your tongue and do what you want!

Is there any way your dh could engineer a conversation with his mother, whereby he waxes lyrical over how good you are with the family fincances, how he could never have done it all by himself, and how you never buy yourself anything?

Or could you prime dh with a list of what you want, and send him off shopping for you, so it looks as if he has bought you some presents when he goes out?

Or, if your MIL says anything about your shopping, arrange that dh tells her that HE "accidentally" read the letter she was writing and that he was offended by what she'd said to her friend...

Bouncingturtle · 22/02/2008 08:33

Cappy I can understand you are really hurt about your mil gossiping untruthfully about you, but not sure what you can do, short of admitting you read the letter!
If you really want to disabuse of this impression she has of you then you would need to strike up some kid of casual conversation about how you handle your finances, or why not ask if she'll go shopping with you - tell her that you haven't been shopping or months, not really your thiing and talk to her about the work on your house. If you normally get on well with her, you may find ways to show her what you are like. But it won't be easy, especially, if she has had this opinion of you for 10 years!

Freckle · 22/02/2008 08:36

I do agree that any rebuttal of her view should come from your dh. Anything from you will make it sound like you are in denial. She's far more likely to accept it coming from her son.

Freckle · 22/02/2008 08:36

I do agree that any rebuttal of her view should come from your dh. Anything from you will make it sound like you are in denial. She's far more likely to accept it coming from her son.

Bouncingturtle · 22/02/2008 08:36

I like Tissy's suggestion about the letter...

yurt1 · 22/02/2008 08:37

My MIL has just been to stay and one of my 'sins' (there were many ) was to give ds3 some nurofen because he had a temperature. Caused lots of huffing and puffing and a general sense of her letting me know she didn't think it necessary. DS3 has had a febrile convulsion in the past. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm the last person to give any medications- I'm usually being told off for not giving medications (no vaccinations, no antibs for ds3's ear infections etc). So I was rather stunned that one dose of calpol in the morning and one dose of nurofen at bedtime was seen as such a sin (especially as MIL and FIL rattle from the amount of stuff they take).

I think it's part of being a MIL. They can't help themselves. If you hadn't gone shopping you would have been criticised for not letting your dh replace some worn jeans.

ConnorTraceptive · 22/02/2008 08:38

Go buy the things you need - you don't need to explain or justify yourself to anyone. She clearly has no real idea of how you live and will only do so if you sit down and go into it in great detail.

Dh and I were always justifying what we did and why to his mum and it made no difference so in the end we no tell her very little and make no justification for how we do things. Drives her nuts!

foxinsocks · 22/02/2008 08:38

I think some people love to gossip and don't really care if what they are saying is the truth or not. She may well not even think that - some people need stuff to fill their lives with and gossiping about others is good for that. I sometimes think it's a generational thing too - I don't know how old your MIL is (my inlaws are 70/80s I think) - and I'm sure they think people shop all the time too!

Try not to let her get to you - I would be obtuse and go shopping and look very merry. I might even buy a small gift for her (like a box of chocs for having you stay) just to see the look on her face .

No1ErmaBombeckfan · 22/02/2008 08:40

The crime is being a DIL!!

At least you have the support of your DH ...

It is not your job to sit and justify to MIL how you both operate the finances in your relationship - she doesn't contribute and so childishly - no pay, no say... and no opinions...

MIls are so hard to please..

puffling · 22/02/2008 08:43

I agree with your dh. If someone is so spectacularly wrong, then their views are laughable.

TotalChaos · 22/02/2008 08:48

Agree with DH. With some people, if it's not happening, they make it up to entertain themselves ifyswim.

Original poster
Cappuccino · 22/02/2008 09:15

ooh I like the idea of her making it up to entertain herself

no dh is not going to pretend to be lowly letter-reading scum in manner of nosey wife

OP posts:
Wotzonked · 22/02/2008 09:17

your Dh is has given you the best advice

sleepycat · 22/02/2008 09:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 22/02/2008 09:20

i would get DH to have a word to her asking what to get you for mothrs day cos he really wants to spoil you . he should then drop in how little you spend on yourself and how good with the household budget you are etc

TheHonEnid · 22/02/2008 09:22

you know she is wrong

I would pretend to be terrible spendthrift (while secretly being tight) just to wind her up

TheHonEnid · 22/02/2008 09:22

your dh sounds lovely btw

Wotzonked · 22/02/2008 09:23

Do you think she left the letter out on purpose?
Not something you'd leave around if you were in the middle of writing it.

Original poster
Cappuccino · 22/02/2008 09:31

I like your plan Enid

it has sniggers in it

OP posts:
Blueskythinker · 22/02/2008 09:36

Oh, I agree with Wotzonked. How bizarre to:

  1. Be writing a letter to a friend re your spending habits - has she nothing else to say to her friends?
  2. Leave it lying around.

Sounds to me like she has a measure of your true personality, and left it lying around on purpose! (I can say this freely, knowing I will not offend, as I am massively nosey too).

However much you want to, don't justify - it only makes you look defensive, and gives her more of a foothold on your life if you start giving info about your personal finances.

Fillyjonk · 22/02/2008 09:36

"dh says if someone is 100% wrong you just ignore them and thinks his mother can go jump and it doesn't matter what she thinks"

oh yes, dp says this too

helpful, isn't it

LilRedWG · 22/02/2008 09:39

Only read the OP and just wanted to say, what a miserable old bag you MIL is! Just ignore the old trout!

clam · 22/02/2008 09:39

But it's the injustice of it that would get me, and sounds like it's bugging Cappuccino, too. If she really did chuck money around and encourage DH into bad ways (like he couldn't take responsibility for that himself!) then it's almost a fair cop (although still none of MIL's business). But she doesn't, so wants to set the record straight. So, which is worse? That she thinks you're a spendthrift, or that you're someone who reads others' correspondence?

VanillaPumpkin · 22/02/2008 09:39

I'm with Enid. I would want to wind her up more .

Seriously though I know how frustrating this is. My MIL is a lovely lady but still winds me up ridiculously. She is always labelling the dd's and made me out to be such a ponce when dd1 was born telling everyone I only wanted wooden toys . I was mortified and it is just not true. I prefer wooden toys but as anyone who knows me sees me drowning under a sea of multi-coloured plastic.
She is always coming up with absolute BOLLOCKS about dsil and dbil (her other son) too and I have to deny it and correct her (we are quite close with them have known dbil since school etc) and feel like a right argumentative so and so.
I think you just have to do your shopping and make it clear you have been saving for 6 months and this is a real treat. You really shouldn't have to justify yourself at all, but I can see why you want too...
Oh and FWIW I would have read the letter too. I just CANNOT help myself. I read everything .