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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH could talk to me if I have nausea.

69 replies

Shortbreadwhite · 17/06/2023 01:14

I’m feeling absolutely awful at 13 weeks pregnant. DH sits on his phone all evening and doesn’t say anything all evening. I asked if he was ok as he’s done this a lot lately and he said yes just not going to talk to you if you’re sick.

I said it would be quite nice to have a little distraction and maybe an offer of some water. He said he’s not a fucking mind reader.

I said ok, that’s made me feel a lot like you don’t care, if that’s how you feel just say. He shouted he does not care because he’s done nothing wrong.

I tried to diffuse it and apologised for being an inconvenience and that if he needs quiet time that’s ok with me. He said that it doesn’t cross his mind to chat or ask if I need anything.

Aibu to think Christ I’ve made a mistake having a baby with this man.

OP posts:
sparklefresh · 17/06/2023 07:06

If you have the baby, then whether or not you leave him, he's going to be in your life forever. If the baby is a girl, she's going to grow up with a father who thinks she's pathetic.

ReaIIyThough · 17/06/2023 07:23

Hes an absolute prick!!!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 17/06/2023 07:27

His hate for women has become really intense lately, constantly saying things like all women are pathetic. It’s just weird.

Rely concerned he’s going to become dangerous. Pregnancy is a trigger for some abusive cunts of men. And this one sounds like he’s coupling it with some horrific MRA misogyny.

Lacucuracha · 17/06/2023 07:41

If you want the baby, I would move away now.

Oysterbabe · 17/06/2023 07:43

He doesn't want the baby and is a cunt. You need to leave him and then make a decision about whether you want to proceed alone.

LaDamaDeElche · 17/06/2023 07:45

Shortbreadwhite · 17/06/2023 01:20

Because I said I felt sick… I haven’t been sick this evening thanks to the Ondansetron!

He said if I’m not happy with how he is I can move out. Just mindblown at the change of character.

Do you have anywhere to go? I would take him at his word and do exactly that. He's showing you who he really is...believe him. It's so common for abusive behaviour to start during pregnancy.

hattyhathat · 17/06/2023 07:48

Aprilx · 17/06/2023 03:26

He does sound awful and I worry for how this could escalate.

That said, I would be annoyed if my husband said to me “an offer of water would be nice”. And I might also say something back about mind reading too. And your comment about being an inconvenience is sarcastic and I am not even sure if it is passive aggressive and not plain old aggressive.

This.

And ask for water if you need some and cant get it yourself. Sounds like he's not to hot on the baby idea tbh.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 17/06/2023 07:50

Moro93 · 17/06/2023 04:41

So if he is truly misogynistic and abusive, then she has a case to make for him to have no access to the child.

Not all children are born into perfect, happy families. Not all women who split with a partner (abusive or not) during pregnancy have to abort.

It’s the OP’s choice, the point I was making is that she shouldn’t make spur of the moment decisions. She should think through all of her options carefully and decide which is best for her. If she rushes into an abortion for a baby that she wants in a bid to rid herself of this man as quickly as possible, she could regret it.

Courts don’t ban fathers from having contact with their children because they were rude and snappy with their child’s mother during pregnancy. They don’t even ban fathers from having contact with their child when they hit the child’s mother. The threshold for refusing contact is scarily high.

knittingaddict · 17/06/2023 08:00

Moro93 · 17/06/2023 03:58

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes, she does have choices. But I’m just surprised that this was the first thing that people jumped to rather than just telling her to leave him? Deciding to abort a baby that she previously wanted isn’t something that should be taken lightly.

Maybe because having a child with an abusive man is awful. If he chose he could make op's life miserable for many years into the future. Maybe avoiding that IS the best solution.

User1367349 · 17/06/2023 08:03

Shortbreadwhite · 17/06/2023 01:26

I will be so sad to say goodbye to this baby but I am questioning massively if the baby deserves a life like this.

His hate for women has become really intense lately, constantly saying things like all women are pathetic. It’s just weird.

OP, this is a really worrying update. Do you feel safe around him? Has his hatred for women only really been obvious since you were pregnant.

Be aware that pregnancy is a massive common trigger for domestic abuse.

Tidlywinks · 17/06/2023 08:34

Leave him, he sounds awful. It’s your choice about the baby.

kagerou · 17/06/2023 08:36

Shortbreadwhite · 17/06/2023 01:26

I will be so sad to say goodbye to this baby but I am questioning massively if the baby deserves a life like this.

His hate for women has become really intense lately, constantly saying things like all women are pathetic. It’s just weird.

That is just awful and whatever you decide to do with the pregnancy I hope that you are able to leave the relationship.

Being with a man who hates women is never going to lead to happy conclusions

supersop60 · 17/06/2023 08:59

To quote an unknown source-
He is not a cunt because he has neither warmth nor depth.

OP - whatever you decide about the baby, you need to leave. For your safety and peace of mind.

BusyMum47 · 17/06/2023 09:13

Jesus Christ, red flags all over the place! Run for the hills. Seriously.

Consider your options & go it alone as a single parent if that's what you decide - it will be infinitely better for you & the baby than living with this dickhead. Honestly.

libraryquery · 17/06/2023 09:28

TBF, when I had severe pregnancy nausea, just listening to someone else talking was overwhelming and I could really engage in conversation as talking usually set me off spewing. I was very happy for DH to watch TV whilst I laid on the sofa, shuffling off every so often to barf. He did bring me the odd glass of water though.

Original poster
Shortbreadwhite · 17/06/2023 10:06

I’ve spoken with my mum, who didn’t even know I was pregnant as DH wanted to wait till 20 weeks to announce. It’s been hard not having anyone to confide in about struggling.

She’s said I can go and stay with her whilst we make a plan of action. He has come down this morning and just blanked me so I guess he probably wouldn’t even listen if I tried to explain why I’m going.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 17/06/2023 10:14

Moro93 · 17/06/2023 03:58

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes, she does have choices. But I’m just surprised that this was the first thing that people jumped to rather than just telling her to leave him? Deciding to abort a baby that she previously wanted isn’t something that should be taken lightly.

A lot of women on here are tied to utter bastards through their kids. No kids, no tie.

Salvadoral · 17/06/2023 10:15

OP, please get away from this man for good. He is abusive and will only get worse. No woman or child deserves this.

And if you choose to go ahead with this pregnancy, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t put his name on the birth certificate.

Salvadoral · 17/06/2023 10:17

Also, look at your last post. Read it back to yourself. He prevented you from telling your own mother about YOUR pregnancy.

Seriously, run like the fucking wind, OP, before it’s too late.

Hadalifeonce · 17/06/2023 10:18

Whatever you decide to do about your pregnancy, please do not stay with this man.

Soubriquet · 17/06/2023 10:19

Yeah I wouldn’t be continuing the relationship with this man.

If you feel strong enough to go ahead and have this baby as a single parent, go for it. If you would rather terminate and leave it all behind, that’s your choice too.

If he’s acting like this though, he really doesn’t sound like the kind of man I would want a baby with. What if you have a daughter? He could potentially be awful to her

GottaGirlcrush · 17/06/2023 10:21

Blanked you? How nasty!

So what's the plan op?

I'd not discuss a thing with him, blank him back. Get what you need and go

Fruitjellies · 17/06/2023 10:22

Moro93 · 17/06/2023 02:16

I’m presuming at some point you wanted this baby and you’re saying you’d be sorry to say goodbye to it, which is quite baffling as you don’t have to? It is possible to end this relationship without having an abortion.

I’m surprised how many people are jumping to tell OP to abort. Don’t make a spur of the moment decision. It’s not a requirement to stay with this man in order to keep your baby…

Well I'm surprised you don't consider being tied to an abusive, misogynistic arsenal for 18+ years alongside a poor child having to have contact or even partly live with him and be exposed to that too, enough cause not to bring a child into this.

The OP has lots of options, the only non-option is staying with this sorry excuse for a man.

Avondale89 · 17/06/2023 10:22

So sorry OP, sounds like a nightmare. Please do go for the sake of you and your baby.

Fedupwithitx · 17/06/2023 10:41

This is one of the most worrying posts I've ever read. From what you have described, this will get much worse. Please go and stay with your mum and make a plan how to avoid this man at all costs. Good luck with everything ❤️