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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to move out? Or is this normal?

32 replies

Urgsleepmoresleep · 16/06/2023 19:51

I moved in with DP a few weeks ago it’s only for 9 months. We have been dating for a year, saw each other few times a week were we seemed to have quality time.

I am only with him for 9 months as I sold my house for a can’t refuse deal and bought a new build off plan. I was going to rent, but he suggested I move to his. I am paying little rent and deal was for me to buy food, cook and do more with chores. seemed fine as he is a rubbish cook and I do like to clean a live a clean house. this allows me to save too.

it’s week 3 and I am not too sure reality and expectations match. I don’t mind the cooking and he is doing chores 50%. I finish later than him, so when he comes in he plays his computer until I finish. But now he plays his computer all night, doesn’t talk much. I have said to him and he says we agreed nothing changes, and this is what I do.

I am so bored as I am far away from my friends. It’s just not great. Before I moved in we would chat, watch tv and just chill out. Now it’s me watching him play computer and him getting huffy if I say anything. He is sticking to one night a week out with the guys which is fine. But if something I want to do together falls on this night, he reminds me he wants one night out, even though it can change.

i am not too sure if he or I are selfish. Or I was expecting things to be as they where when we didn’t live together. It seems now I am here no effort is made. I am so bored and lonely miles away from my friends.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 16/06/2023 19:53

he sees you as a temp room mate

CrapBucket · 16/06/2023 19:54

Sounds rubbish- I’d look for a rental

Changingplace · 16/06/2023 19:54

Well at least you’re not there permanently!

Sounds pretty miserable, I guess you have two choices, such it up in the knowledge it’s only for nine months or see this as a lucky escape and find somewhere to rent temporarily until you can move into your house.

pippinsleftleg · 16/06/2023 19:56

So you’re giving him money, buying and cooking all meals and, presumably, having sex with him all while he ignores you?

move out.

ReaIIyThough · 16/06/2023 20:00

If nothing changes then you should be having quality time a few times a week, and if you're not then things have changed. He can have it both ways. When people show their true colours you should listen.

Original poster
Urgsleepmoresleep · 16/06/2023 20:07

@CrapBucket @Changingplace rentals are expensive. Especially with a pet. I am looking.
@pippinsleftleg sorry should say no rent. Food and cleaning is replacing rent.
@ReaIIyThough what do you mean he can have it?

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 16/06/2023 20:19

You should not only move out you should also dump him. He's training you to capitulate to what he wants and you have no voice and eventually no self esteem/worth. It will only get worse if you get pregnant.

GrumpyPanda · 16/06/2023 20:21

Do you have your own room? That would make a big difference to me in this kind of set-up.

Original poster
Urgsleepmoresleep · 16/06/2023 20:23

@GrumpyPanda we sleep in same bed. A spare room is my office and where I keep my clothes. In all fairness a third bedroom is where boxes are stored from house I sold

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 16/06/2023 20:28

So, if I'm reading this right - he's basically just seeing you as part of the furniture now, rather than taking time to talk to you, go out on dates, etc?

MuggleMe · 16/06/2023 20:30

Have you asked him if he actually enjoys your company/ conversation lately? Sounds like he's happy for the work you do but not your company.

Original poster
Urgsleepmoresleep · 16/06/2023 20:32

@MuggleMe thats a point. I have asked him it’s been going. He says it’s been great. Maybe it’s a me problem and he can’t ask me to leave

OP posts:
StrawberryPavlova · 16/06/2023 20:43

Of course he's going to say it's going great. He's now got a live-in cook who buys the food, and does half the cleaning, and (I assume) has sex with him.

When you lived separately before, and would meet up, do you still do the same thing now, so 'date night' once a week or whatever, or is it literally six evenings a week you're sat watching him play Call of Duty, and then the seventh night he goes out with him mates?

Tough one, because rentals are crazy money right now, and you know it's temporary. The temptation to just sit tight, get your new house and then reevaluate the relationship from a difference would be strong. But equally, he seems to have turned into a bit of a knobhead who is just happy to have the live in chef/maid/shag partner without having to put any effort into making you happy.

Livinghappy · 16/06/2023 20:43

I think he has decided he doesn't need to make an effort - dating was just him showing the best side of him.

It doesn't sound as if he is respectful to you and that's a red flag.

Interesting that you are thinking it's you - be careful as relationships like this wear down your confidence.

TomatoSandwiches · 16/06/2023 20:49

You are getting a decent preview of what life with this specimen would be like if you settled.

I would rather sofa surf than stay one more day.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 16/06/2023 20:52

Sounds to me like you are like her mum except for the sex part. I’d run for the hills OP.

Dotcheck · 16/06/2023 20:53

Yay! You found out early that this one isn’t a keeper. Rent a storage unit and get a room in shared accommodation in a fantastic location. Have some fun before you have to be a responsible home owner ☺️

dickheed · 16/06/2023 20:55

Well at least you know what he's going to be like in the future.
So I suggest you rent somewhere while waiting to move into the new house or perhaps rent a room from friends or rent a room as a lodger.
And never forget what he was like when you moved in with him...... that's given you a glimpse of the rest of your life if you stay with him.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/06/2023 20:56

You're paying for lodgings with food, cooking, cleaning and sex.

That's all he sees you as - most charitably, as a cleaner with added perks.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2023 21:02

If I were you, I'd stay put. Bide your time, start a new hobby, make some new friends and save as much money as you can, and as soon as your house is ready, move out. I would also try to sleep in a different room and make SURE you don't get pregnant. As soon as you're able to move out, dump him.

raspberrywine · 16/06/2023 21:11

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2023 21:02

If I were you, I'd stay put. Bide your time, start a new hobby, make some new friends and save as much money as you can, and as soon as your house is ready, move out. I would also try to sleep in a different room and make SURE you don't get pregnant. As soon as you're able to move out, dump him.

That sounds like way too much effort. I really don't think it's worth it.

Move out. Some of the other posters have already given you great, practical advice.

LadyLolaRuben · 16/06/2023 21:28

I'd find somewhere to store your belongings. Find somewhere to live with your pet and then bin him. Sounds like he can't provide the home life you're looking to have in the future. Best find out sooner rather than later

FinallyHere · 16/06/2023 21:29

This is really no way to live, miles from your friends and social life with even if you contribute 'nothing' but cooking and cleaning

Food and cleaning is replacing rent.

I would never do this. It would be too easy for him to get used to you doing this and get out of the habit, and never get back into it.

Calculate how much a housekeep would cost him to buy in.

Sorry, I'd run. Nothing like your own front door.

SophiaElise · 16/06/2023 21:32

Sounds like hell. Poor you, OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2023 21:34

Food and cleaning is replacing rent.z

I would never do this. It would be too easy for him to get used to you doing this and get out of the habit, and never get back into it.

It really doesn't matter, the op isn't staying with him anyway. This is just a pit stop until her home is ready. All of those saying to just move out, that is much easier said than done, especially with a pet, and the op will have to pay through the nose to do so.

If this man were abusive, I would say get out immediately, no matter what, but the op has already been dating him for a year, so it's not like he's a stranger. He's a dullard but he's not a monster. Take advantage of being able to save money and then break it off as soon as you move out.

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