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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD - Excluded from birthday party

59 replies

babbscrabbs · 16/06/2023 00:17

I socialise with a group of women in a sport I do, we're on the same team. We don't actually get to play often but we all get along. I really like them all and thought it was mutual and we do get together socially from time to time.

I found out one of them is having a big birthday in a few weeks and going to a concert in a nearby city to celebrate. I also happen to have tickets to the concert, which sold out some time ago. I have found out that the rest of the team were invited to go along together for her birthday. I was not invited. Some of the team now know I'm going along too.

What do I do? Hope I don't see them? Ignore them? Make a point of saying hi? It all feels very awkward. They're not super close friends, but clearly I'm not in the inner circle. The venue isn't huge so there's a high chance I'll bump into them.

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 18/06/2023 16:49

ShandaLear · 18/06/2023 16:23

These people are your sports colleagues, not your friends, and you don’t normally socialise, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that you weren’t invited. As a PP said, if you see them be happy, excited, say ‘Aren’t they brilliant? Been looking forward to this for ages’, and that’s all.

Haven’t heard of sports colleagues - thought the usual term was team mate - indicating friendship through sport….

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/06/2023 16:54

OwlBabiesAreCute · 18/06/2023 16:05

Why does it matter? You can't go anyway!

She is going with her partner?

midsomermurderess · 18/06/2023 16:55

I think ‘breezy’ has become the new ‘tinkly laugh’.

Cornishclio · 18/06/2023 17:05

To be honest I would just forget about it. If you see them just say hello but there could be any number of reasons why you were not included and as you are going anyway there seems little point dwelling on it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 18/06/2023 17:09

JKrowlings · 18/06/2023 16:03

I’d just ignore them. If you see them and they try to talk to you just look embarrassed for them and tell them you’re here with another person and turn your back.

The sound like a coven of bitches so you’re better off distancing yourself.

What the fuck 😂

ilovesushi · 18/06/2023 17:12

If you see them say hi, if you don't don't. Don't start changing your own plans to fit them in or because you want to portray yourself a certain way in front of them.

Fighterofthenightman1 · 18/06/2023 17:19

ShandaLear · 18/06/2023 16:23

These people are your sports colleagues, not your friends, and you don’t normally socialise, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that you weren’t invited. As a PP said, if you see them be happy, excited, say ‘Aren’t they brilliant? Been looking forward to this for ages’, and that’s all.

Op said they were down the pub with each other when she found out lol

CheshireCat1 · 18/06/2023 17:23

The organisers may feel awkward about it, if you see them say hi and then enjoy the concert.

Avondale89 · 18/06/2023 17:24

JKrowlings · 18/06/2023 16:03

I’d just ignore them. If you see them and they try to talk to you just look embarrassed for them and tell them you’re here with another person and turn your back.

The sound like a coven of bitches so you’re better off distancing yourself.

😂😂😂 is this response for real?

latetothefisting · 18/06/2023 17:26

JKrowlings · 18/06/2023 16:03

I’d just ignore them. If you see them and they try to talk to you just look embarrassed for them and tell them you’re here with another person and turn your back.

The sound like a coven of bitches so you’re better off distancing yourself.

why do people go so over the top like this?
If Person A invited me to person B's birthday, I wouldn't automatically say 'Yes but have you invited people m-z as well, I'm not going unless they are.'
Unless the invite is given at the same time I wouldn't have a clue who else is going other than me, A and B until I turned up, and even then I wouldn't know who had been invited but couldn't make it, or who just hadn't been invited.

OP made it clear that other members of the group a) didn't know she wasn't invited, and b) clearly felt bad about it when they found out. So why are the whole team 'a coven of bitches' (lovely misogynistic wording by the way...), and why would OP distancing herself, which would presumably mean leaving an activity that she enjoys with people she likes, for something that the majority of the group had no part in and feel bad about be in any way good advice?

Absolutely Person A (the inviter) might not be very nice, although there's still the chance that OPs non-invite was a mistake, but even the birthday girl might not know exactly who is going, she could very well have said to A 'see if any of the team want to go,' and have no idea that OP hadn't been asked. Blaming it on anybody else other than the organiser is just weird, and, ironically, will probably result in them wanting to cut OP from the group if she suddenly starts blaming them for something they have no influence over and didn't even know about!

Anyway OP I would just carry on being polite and friendly, if anyone actually asks why you didn't go with them I'd be honest and say 'I wasn't invited and to be honest it did upset me a bit when I found out I was the only one out of the team, but luckily I was going anyway.' Their reaction will tell you what they knew/how they feel about it and you can decide how to proceed from that.

53andABitPodgy · 18/06/2023 17:35

No need to overthink it or overplay it. You clearly have a social life outside them, so you don’t need them to throw you a fish.

If you see them just be friendly and say hi, have a great birthday and try to look as unbothered as you can.

BTMadmummy · 18/06/2023 17:38

JKrowlings · 18/06/2023 16:03

I’d just ignore them. If you see them and they try to talk to you just look embarrassed for them and tell them you’re here with another person and turn your back.

The sound like a coven of bitches so you’re better off distancing yourself.

Why on earth would you do that? Just pass yourself with small chitchat and move on

53andABitPodgy · 18/06/2023 17:39

Just to add, on the few occasions I’ve been excluded I’ve asked myself if I wanted to go with them anyway, and the answer was no.

Sometimes people you hang out with during the day, doing an activity, are boring or annoying on a night out after a few beers.

OwlBabiesAreCute · 18/06/2023 17:41

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/06/2023 16:54

She is going with her partner?

Show quote history

Op can't go to the party as they've said they can't meet up beforehand. And already going to the concert so not missing that either.

Total non drama.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 18/06/2023 18:57

Is it just me who finds fathers day so unbelievably stressful? My husband is a father, I have my dad and my husband has a dad and step dad. We are always made to feel guilty that we don't visit them all on fathers day. Yes they are fathers but so is my husband. Today I visited my dad first thing this morning so my husband could have a lie in. We normally spend the afternoon trapsing round everyone's house but today we did something my husband wanted to do and now we feel guilty and can feel certain family members are ticked off.

Couldntthinkofausername24 · 18/06/2023 18:58

Omg I have no idea how to use mumsnet and have added my post to this. I'm so sorry 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Fleurridley · 18/06/2023 23:06

I would need to find out for sure who organised it if not the birthday girl then its out of her control, maybe ask one of the others who is the organiser, but defo be pleased to see them if you bump into them and have a great time

Original poster
babbscrabbs · 18/06/2023 23:37

Fleurridley · 18/06/2023 23:06

I would need to find out for sure who organised it if not the birthday girl then its out of her control, maybe ask one of the others who is the organiser, but defo be pleased to see them if you bump into them and have a great time

I found out from one of them I'm close to that birthday girl did organise it herself.

Thinking about it she is not one of the ones I'm very close to so I understand if she's closer to the others. She's very close to a few of them (12 of us in total), I know that much. Some of them also have DC at the same school so she sees them more often. It makes more sense to me now.

I'm sure it will be awkward for her seeing me when they're all there though. I think it will be a bit awkward for everyone, including me. I just think - would it have hurt to invite me too? But maybe there was a reason like a limit on tickets (or maybe she secretly hates me, haha). I just hope it doesn't affect our friendships too much.

OP posts:
SquaresandStarlings · 19/06/2023 01:16

OP you sound lovely and very level-headed!

Enjoy the concert, hold your head high and I'm sure this will all blow over, and in your favour!

Offensiveapprently · 19/06/2023 02:29

At my age, I've passed through the trying to figure out why I'm not invited and asking for an invite camp. Now I'm in the I really don't need to try and figure other out camp. Don't try to invite yourself along just say might see you there and be glad that you know their true hearts. I personally wouldn't go to a gathering if I was invited and one person wasn't. Hurting others who have done nothing to me is not my bag.

HelpMeGetThrough · 19/06/2023 06:37

A breezy text of Oh I'm Going To The Concert Too, Shall I Meet You Beforehand?

Response back: No

Mybookofdreams · 19/06/2023 07:00

Hi OP yesterday I was watching Mel Robbins on YouTube talking about the Let Them theory. It might help you in situations like this. I am going to use it liberally in all parts of my life. X

MrsToothyBitch · 19/06/2023 07:12

Nod, smile, wish them well and say maybe see you there. If you see them, nod, smile, say hi, take a photo and go back to your evening with your partner.

It sounds like you're just not that close to the birthday girl. Or if this is joint with the girl who dislikes you, you've been excluded at her behest. I am part of a group of 5 where one of them doesn't like me and understandably excludes me from stuff she plans. I say that's her loss and I wouldn't want to go anyway!

Shinyandnew1 · 19/06/2023 07:14

How many of the 12 are going?

Mix56 · 19/06/2023 07:47

They don't want you to join them,