To not know what to tell my DS about her dad

[L0neParent]

I was with my ex-dp for 8 years. He wanted DC, I wasn’t so sure but after lots of pressure throughout the years, in the 7th year of our relationship I decided the time was right and we tried for a baby and I became pregnant.

A week before my due date he up and left, disappeared and I found out he was living with a woman.

He has nothing to do with our DS (not my choice) and has rejected him at each turn, asking for a DNA test, refusing maintenance etc. I jumped through all the hoops, proved paternity etc. and still he doesn’t even acknowledge him.

I have been open with my DS, haven’t hid the fact he has a dad but I’ve always used the excuse he is busy working, but that he loves him so much and works hard to provide for him financially. I am nothing but complimentary about my ex to my DS (when he asks questions).

Today I got a call from DS’ school, DS had been quite upset at school. The class were making Father’s Day cards and he insisted he wanted to make one and give it to his dad (whom he’s never even met). Then he said that because his dad lives so far away could he save up his pocket money and give it to his dad to enable him to travel to see him. It broke my heart and I’m at a total loss as to what to do.

I contacted ex-dp, explaining the situation and asking if he would at least just maybe send a card now and again. Just show some interest.

So of course he’s not going to respond but any tips on how I handle this with my DS id be grateful as I’m worried he could end up fucked up because his dad has just abandoned him.

thanks if you made it to the end.

It's a tough on be because you shouldn't have set up the fantasy. You tell him that his Dad has moved and you don't know were to. You don't tell him that he's giving money/presents that he isn't. This will backfire if your son goes through a tough time during puberty and he shows up. Don't use terms like abandoned. How old is DS now?

How old is DS, OP? Because how you handle this depends on his level of emotional development, his age, and how long you have been living this fiction that his father loves him.
It would have been a lot simpler to be honest from the start, as now your well
meaning attempt to protect DS from the truth risks him losing trust in you, when he realises you have been lying to him.
If he is old enough to understand a little about relationships and break ups, perhaps you could explain that DP stopped loving you, and left to be with someone else, before DS was born, and he doesn’t want to see DS as that would remind him of all the pain of the break up, but that doesn’t mean he bears any ill will to DS? If DS becomes angry with you, I think you should tell him that you were just trying to protect him, and that you are sorry if it has ended up hurting him. Honesty is usually the best policy, even belatedly, but I think you will need to allow DS the chance to express a lot of negative reaction, which may include grief, rage, and feelings of betrayal.

Kids are imaginative and creative geniuses. If you're not honest they make up a narrative themselves. It's always much, much harder to back track from a tale you have told than to have just told an age-appropriate story in the first place. You're where you are now but don't be tempted to add layers of lies on to what you have already told him.

I know you're trying your best op, but as the poster above said, its creating a fantasy.

The man clearly has no intentions of contacting his child and even if he did, it wouid probably stop again and that would be far more damaging.

I would stop talking about him now. When your child asks anything about him, just say you dont know or you are not sure or he hasn't contacted you yet. How old is your child?

Don’t lie to your child- you are his only parent, and he needs to trust you.

It’s ok to tell him that not all adults make good choices, and it is not your child’s fault . Better to support him with a painful reality than ignore and pretend which will cause more damage in the long term.

You have not bern open.
You lied to your child

I have been open with my DS, haven’t hid the fact he has a dad

That is true

but I’ve always used the excuse he is busy working,

You do not know this this is a lie

but that he loves him so much

This is a lie

and works hard to provide for him financially

You saud he refuses maintenance so this is a lie

. I am nothing but complimentary about my ex to my DS (when he asks questions).

Tell the truth

His dad and you made him but unfortunately his dad dec ided to move away. You dont know when he can see him.
But he has you and ( name other relatives)

I say "Your dad just isn't very good at being a dad. What a shame".

You could ask for support from play therapist or family therapist to untangle your lies and allow ds to process the loss of his father
Do it now

I agree with this.

I would look up for advice on explaining conception to children. Basically what he needs to know is that there are men who make babies, and there are fathers. Fathers are men who provide and do parenting. The man who helped to make him isn't someone that knows how to be a parent, but mummy does and she is always going to be there for him. It's not his fault etc

Honesty is always the best policy. I just told my kids when I got home from the hospital their dad was dead. They were 7 & 9 but they had to know he wasn’t coming back. It would have been better to be honest from the start, I do understand why you weren’t. It does need to be resolved now though. Consider getting some professional help to handle this possibly. I am sorry you and your son are having to deal with this.

My friends DS will never meet his Dad whilst a child. She has given him age appropriate explanations as he has got older, yes at this stage you need to be a bit less vague. There's being gentle and then there's actually giving false hope.

Mummy can't get messages to Daddy might be a good start

I also agree that you never should have gone with kind lies, but it's too late now. You can get this back

DS I didn't want to make you sad but Daddy has made me very sad that he is not here for you. Mummy doesn't understand why either darling

Bless you, OP what a horrible situation to be in. My mum was abandoned by my father while pregnant and she never spoke a bad word about him (and he would deserve this). However she didn’t lie and say he cared/provided money neither. I know this is coming from a place of love but don’t fabricate ideallic images of this man to protect your son, it will only hurt more when he discovers the truth. Say to him that family is important and he is a lucky boy as he has lots of people who love him, his mum, grandparents, aunts uncles etc and friends too, and all they are family.

My DS hasn’t seen his Dad in over a year even though he lives round the corner. I am as honest as I can be. I just say some people are just rubbish at being Dads. I don’t understand it either and go on to say all things I love about DS. I reiterate I am here and I am not going anywhere, how we are a good team together. I don’t bring up his Dad but will answer any questions truthfully. We talked about Fathers Day. I asked if he wanted to make me an extra card as I was doing the job of mum & dad. He thought that was funny and has been proudly telling everyone.
i spoke to the Ed Pysch about the situation and they recommended a good book The Whole Brain Child which really highlighted the importance of talking through with your kids.
It was reading the book that encouraged me to bring up Father’s Day and make a plan for how we would deal with it rather than hiding from it. so far it seems to have helped.

My dad is like your son’s dad. I’ve never met him.

My mum wasn’t unpleasant about him but she was truthful and told me in an age appropriate way that he didn’t want to be part of our lives.

It is better to be honest than set up a fantasy.

‘The truth is pickle that some men aren’t very good dads and your dad is like that. BUT that means I get to be your mum AND dad and I get to love you twice as much!’

You can also show him he can make Father’s Day cards for someone else - granddad/uncle etc who loves him.

You need to go with the truth IMO. As nicely as you can. But don't let him have this fantasy in his head that his dad is a great man who loves him.

🥺 this is heartbreaking, op. Your precious son deserves a father who loves him.

Has your ex given any kind of reason (there is no good reason) that he uses to justify his absence from his own son? I hope there is a way to resolve this. A boy needs his dad.

I agree with PPs that you shouldn't have given your son a 'fantasy dad'. But that's water under the bridge now. So now you have to find a way to 'let him down slowly'.

Considering that the class was making FD cards I assume he's relatively young. So I don't think I'd set him down for a 'big talk'. Rather, I'd stop telling him lies and if/when he asks about his father I'd start backing away from the 'busy working to support you' to a gentle 'I don't really know why he doesn't make time to see you' or words to that effect. There's nothing wrong with "I don't know" when a child is too young to absorb the real truth. Then as time goes on you can add more bits of the truth to the narrative until you've gotten to the real truth "Your dad doesn't have it in him to be a good father. It's not you, it's him".

Daddy has made me very sad

Dont do this either
Dont make it a sad life. It isnt.
Neutral
Make it ok
Im so pleased daddy made you with me
It s, a shame he isnt around and i dont know why he decided to leave. but i am here and you have xxx snd xxx in your life. We are a great team. We are a great family.

Be the heroes of your story.

I totally see what you are saying there against "sadness" but the previous lies need to be reframed for the child somehow

I think you've handled this quite badly unfortunately, although obviously you meant well.

I think it would be best to speak to a children's therapist as to how to unravel this rather than talking advice here x

Don't lie, just don't tell the whole truth. I never badmouthed my dds father, (I didn't have too, his actions showed what he was and dd learnt what he was as she got older, no discussion needed really)I just used to say that he wasn't very good at being at being a dad, now she is an adult with her own child she agrees I said the right things.

Has you ds got a grandad/uncle/close family male friend that could take him under his wing a bit? I do think we all need good influences from older people as we grow up. Also, be very very careful if and when you meet someone, I was so lucky in meeting dds 'stepfather', he has and continues to be the best father and grandfather after 30 years, I could not have introduced multiple men to her as a new 'daddy'.

Oh goodness me, I'm sorry you're going through this. This happened to me too, all the pressure, we were married, he left after an affair when DS was 2 as "family life wasn't for him". OW didn't want my son around at all and without going into the full horror of it, my ex finally dumped our son completely when he was 8. It was so unbearably cruel and it's taken a lot of therapy for my son to unpick.

I told my son that some people are just not cut out to be good Dads. They think they can be or want to be but don't have the ability to actually do it. I have reiterated over and over that it's not his fault, it's nothing he's done. I have said that one day his dad will probably regret losing him but that was his problem to live with. It's really difficult. I still find little piles of torn up pictures or letters he's tried to write. However, I try not to dwell and distract him straight away. I have given him a good, secure and loving childhood. He writes Father's Day cards to me and when he was at primary, they were brilliant with this so it might be worth speaking to them.

I'm so sorry he's struggling, maybe consider some counselling, again school can often refer for this. You've done a great job on your own

Thanks for all the thoughtful and kind responses.

To clear up the post, DSs dad does pay maintenance (albeit court ordered) hence why I’ve said he provides for him financially. I have read that children who have no relationship with a parent do better knowing that they at least took care of them financially so this is not a lie.

The only thing I have lied about, is that I’ve told him his dad loves him very much, I did this because I didn’t want him feeling unloved, perhaps this was short-sighted of me and I never ever bring his father into conversation, ever, although I do address questions when I am being asked by my son.

I have and will never say an ill-word against his dad because at one time I loved the man very much and it’s not fair on my DS to do this.

DS is nearly 6 so still very young but he’s obviously struggling to grapple with what’s happening so I’m going to sit him down and tell him that in all honesty I’m not sure he will ever get to see his biological dad because it’s best for us all this way.

I just don’t want to see my little boy upset and consequently have put this off for what is obviously too long.

I’m sorry to the posters who have been through similar situations.