To not know what to tell my DS about her dad

[L0neParent]

I was with my ex-dp for 8 years. He wanted DC, I wasn’t so sure but after lots of pressure throughout the years, in the 7th year of our relationship I decided the time was right and we tried for a baby and I became pregnant.

A week before my due date he up and left, disappeared and I found out he was living with a woman.

He has nothing to do with our DS (not my choice) and has rejected him at each turn, asking for a DNA test, refusing maintenance etc. I jumped through all the hoops, proved paternity etc. and still he doesn’t even acknowledge him.

I have been open with my DS, haven’t hid the fact he has a dad but I’ve always used the excuse he is busy working, but that he loves him so much and works hard to provide for him financially. I am nothing but complimentary about my ex to my DS (when he asks questions).

Today I got a call from DS’ school, DS had been quite upset at school. The class were making Father’s Day cards and he insisted he wanted to make one and give it to his dad (whom he’s never even met). Then he said that because his dad lives so far away could he save up his pocket money and give it to his dad to enable him to travel to see him. It broke my heart and I’m at a total loss as to what to do.

I contacted ex-dp, explaining the situation and asking if he would at least just maybe send a card now and again. Just show some interest.

So of course he’s not going to respond but any tips on how I handle this with my DS id be grateful as I’m worried he could end up fucked up because his dad has just abandoned him.

thanks if you made it to the end.

For context, I have a similar situation- my DS (15) SD (sperm donor) was unreliable and lives quite far away- he seen him when he was 6 weeks for a few hours and that's it. I always explained to my DS that he was so lucky to have everyone around him (my family/friends) which not everyone has and every family is differe t. I explained that sometimes adults make bad choices and my ex wasn't ready to be a dad and that i felt sad for my ex missing out because my DS is brilliant in so many ways (and listed his qualities). I always referred to my ex as 'the man who made him' and used his name, explaining the qualities that a Dad has. Now my husband is his Dad (my son calls him his name, but tells everyone else he's his dad). My ex has got back In touch and whilst my DS is happy for my ex to know about him- at the moment he doesn't have or want any contact with him. My husband adopted my DS and social services feel DS is well rounded and has a good perspective and outlook on the situation. They did suggest showing pics of my ex, so my son can see resemblances and help his identity. I also tell him nice stories about my ex so he has some history there but overall I've always made it clear the truth- that my ex is the silly one, who's missed out, and adults are people who make bad choices too. On fathers day, my son always made a card for my Mum, as she always stepped in and helped, and it was an extra day for us to do something together. I hope you and your son are OK and some of the advice on the thread, helps you both 🤞

its best for us sounds really like you taking the blame .His dad stopped contact and not you. You are once again protecting his dad .

you have created a fantasy dad. You need to unpick this very carefully - because you are in danger of your child not believing a word you say.

You also need to know as he gets older he will have more questions . My Ds was 13 when he needed to know the whole truth of why it wasn’t safe to see his dad. But every time he questioned and needed to know more.

I think letting him know he has never met you so taking responsibility away from anything child did or didn’t do is important .

I have never ever said that his dad loved him as that’s not what I think someone who loves you should do.

I think you need time to think through what exactly needs to be said but you are going to hurt him no matter which way this happens .

I also would say - it is far easier for there to be no contact at all. An odd Christmas/ birthday card from a stranger called dad would be worse than dealing with reality

You do need to be honest with him, in an age appropriate way. Because the most important thing for your relationship as a parent is for him to know that he can trust you. You've lied to him, albeit with good intentions, and it's worked for him for now. It's allowed him to make sense of a tricky situation. But he's getting old enough now for you to start being a bit more honest. Because it's important for him to know you will tell him the truth and that he can talk to you about anything. Beyond that, you don't want him learning from a young age that this is the way to be a good day, just fucking off and sending money because the court told him he had to. A good dad is like a good mum, like you, there and present and nurturing him and taking him places and looking after him when he's poorly.

He's still young though, so while upsetting at first, this will just become his normal once he gets his head around it. Lots of love and attention and connection while he comes to understand it all. But maybe wait until after Father's Day. It's such a loaded time when you don't have a dad in your life. Let things die down a little while. He sounds like a lovely, kind boy though and I would let him know that what he said was a really thoughtful thing (even if his rubbish dad doesn't deserve it).

I see how it’s happened, and it’s understandable. You want to protect your child.

But you really need to be honest with him and help him to face how distressing the truth is. It’s not better for him to never see his dad - it’s awful that his dad doesn’t want him, and it’s ok if he feels the awfulness. Your job is to tell him the truth, to an age appropriate extent, and support him emotionally to come to terms with it.

His father is a real disappointment. It’s ok, it’s not your fault and it’s not your son’s fault. It’s ok to be be sad or angry about it. You’ll both be alright. But you need to tell him that his dad is a real, flawed person and has made a bad decision.

Your son is upset right now because he’s been told a lovely story that has confused him. Time to be brave and tell the truth.

You're explaining yourself like you haven't lied- but you have. I say this gently but you have created a false story for your son which he didn't need. I know you meant well but how will you now tell him the truth- that his dad doesn't love him, provide for him etc? Money doesn't matter, no kid cares about money if they're not loved. Contact professionals- therapists, play therapists, anyone who will tell him the truth in an appropriate way.

@L0neParent

DS is nearly 6 so still very young but he’s obviously struggling to grapple with what’s happening so I’m going to sit him down and tell him that in all honesty I’m not sure he will ever get to see his biological dad because it’s best for us all this way.

At his age I wouldn't 'sit him down and tell him' anything. That's a lot to put on his little shoulders at one go.

I'd simply change the way I've been answering his questions as he asks them or when he makes statements regarding his dad I'd make gentle corrections. If the first time you do this it leads to more of a discussion, that's fine. Just let him lead the discussion. Children will only ask as much as they can absorb at the time.

Oh, meant to add. If you feel at a loss as how to do this, as PPs have suggested consult a child therapist and let them guide you.

Dont sit him down
Consuot family therapust
They will do it through play or advise ypu eg reading a book about mum and dad if he asks the question
Drawing family tree etc
The fathers day was a good moment maybe still is do something nice tomorrow

It’s a different scenario but my DS is adopted and has no contact with birth parents. They didn’t attend any court hearings and haven’t agreed to yearly letter contact with him. I talk about birth parents in a factual way telling my DS where he came from but I don’t build them up and when he has asked where they are I have told him they make bad choices and aren’t able to have a good relationship with him which is similar to your son. At this age you don’t need a big sit down conversation just wait until it comes up again which it definitely will (usually on car journeys in my experience!). I would tell your son similar about his father eg he sends money to help make your DS life easier but he can’t be a good father right now. You don’t need to be overly negative about DS father just be factual and your son will form his own opinions as he becomes older.

Agree with being as truthful as possible. A relative was in a similar situation to you. She lied to her child and said their father was dead. He wasn't, he just wanted nothing to do with the child. She thought she was doing the kindest thing. When her child was older they discovered the truth and the relationship between mother and child never recovered. (Child is now in their 40s). Very sad situation.