AIBU to feel like a failure? My daughter is so badly behaved!

[beebeegee]

My daughter is 7 and honestly the most turbulent child. She does well in school, but at home it’s an entirely different kettle of fish. She can be really funny, kind and caring, however she has daily meltdowns that are really breaking our family. This has been going on for years and it isn’t letting up. She screams at the absolute top of her lungs when things aren’t going her way. She wants control of everything and absolutely spirals when constraints are put on her. She quite happily follows all the rules at school but just won’t at home. I work with children and know all the strategies but nothing works. If we are firm, she gets more defiant. Distraction methods don’t work. The gentle approach has resulted in a massive power imbalance. She hits us and screams. These melt downs can even last an hour or two. Afterwards, when she is calm, she begs us not to talk about it. Getting mad if we talk about it. The neighbours have to put up with this daily, which just isn’t fair.

ive tried so hard with her but I’m just failing. I’ve made her a quiet place she can go to when things get too much, I’ve got staff in her school giving her extra support. The problem is, they see none of this in school. They see a very well behaved compliant child.

Ive wondered about things like pathological demand avoidance, but to be honest, nothing like that quite fits. I just don’t know how to move forward. Home life is now so unhappy, including for my other child. 😢 What do I do?

Could she be on the autistic spectrum and is masking at school so melts down at home where she feels more relaxed? Do school have any concerns? PDA also sounds possible...

I'd contact your GP for advice.

I was just going to say that. It's very common for autistic girls (including my DD) to keep it all together at school ('masking') then it all gets too much at home. Does she have any sensory issues? Special interests? Trouble with non-literal languages or discomfort making eye contact? How is she with imaginative play?

I am also wondering if she is autistic and masking at school. It is very common in girls. It sounds very difficult, I think you need to speak to your GP.

Yes I’m another one with an autistic DD. Sounds just like her behaviour. Can you talk to the SEN at school?

My dd was exactly the same. She was diagnosed with asd at 11. We spent years going round in circles, trying different strategies, blaming ourselves.

I could’ve written this too. In fact after a particularly bad evening with my dd I think I needed to read this because it’s good to know I’m not alone. She’s also perfectly behaved at school, doesn’t fit any diagnosis such as autism/pda and I work with children too. I think with my dd it’s related to sleep, she has a condition that means she doesn’t get enough of that deep quality sleep - have you considered something like that could be the cause for your dd op?

thanks for the replies.

School have absolutely no concerns. Behaviour is great. Does well in all subjects. Sociable. Follows rules. This is all aimed at DH and I.

Places where I see her get stressed can be busy environments. Places with lots of automatic barriers or noisy places (like the metro - she hated that, but I suppose not unusual at her age), lifts are scary for her and hand driers. Fireworks are a no go!

She is great with eye contact. Very imaginative and creative. Brings all her cuddly toys to life with different names and personalities.

Hates too many demands (hence me considering PDA, but she doesn’t seem to be quite as extreme - if that’s the right word).

Although she was younger, lockdown suited her! She loved the lack of pressure. No where we needed to be. She was free to create to her hearts content.

"PDA but not quite as extreme" is called "autism with demand avoidance" in a diagnosis and your description does sound an awful lot like it!

Sounds like classic masking with your latest update, OP. Girls can present v differently to boys, which often means they’re not considered for diagnosis. Often doing well in school until later when puberty starts to hit, and pressure / expectation ramps up. What you’re saying about avoidance of certain things and rule following can all be pointers

Autistic people can hold and have good eye contact, and be v imaginative in different ways, so i wouldn’t hold those as reasons not to explore certain traits

Read up on autism in girls, things like avoiding eye contact are not true for all Autistic people, particularly girls. In the mean time, anything to reduce sensory overload might be helpful, assuming you aren't doing that all ready.

When you say "all the strategies" - what have you tried?

I'm just embarking on How to talk to little people will listen - lots of acknowledging feelings, less punishing/rewards/threats and all about problem solving and getting them involved with coming up with solutions.
Can't say it's feeling very natural, but I'm really hoping it changes our situation - might be worth a look if you haven't already come across it?

Not all autistic people struggle with eye contact or imaginative play. Presentations vary enormously and autism in girls can be very different from popular expectations.

It might be worth getting an assessment. She won't get a diagnosis if she isn't autistic, but if she is, in my experience you'll be glad you got the diagnosis in place later, when she hits secondary school - masking becomes much harder, and a lot of girls come unstuck socially at that point.

In the meantime, look at parenting techniques aimed at autistic and neurodivergent kids - with the behaviour you're seeing, they'll be more helpful than conventional "discipline". I found social stories, visual timetables etc really useful for managing dc's expectations of what was going to happen, which helped head off some of the meltdowns. I wouldn't push her on talking about them either, she will be beyond reason while it's happening and it's understandable that that's uncomfortable for her. I'd just focus on preventing them; try and figure out the triggers.

My middle child was a lot like this at 7. 15 now and recently diagnosed ASD.

Obviously your child is her own person. But getting from referral to assessment was nearly 4 years.

Take a look at this.

https://autisticgirlsnetwork.org/keeping-it-all-inside.pdf

You are describing my dd. She masked until 16. Diagnosed at 16. Made it through GCSE and now won’t go to school anymore.

Please push for diagnosis,

what do you do when she has an hour long screaming melt down? i'm asking because i wonder if its a self-reinforcing behaviour.

While I don't excuse her poor behaviour towards you and your husband, I think life can be really full
on for some kids.
All the things you mentioned are stressful for adults as well.
Do you live in the city?
Do you get time to sit in nature and be calm?
No advice but peace does work for kids. Also school is so regimented and rules etc etc ( which are needed) I am homeschooler tho so I do think school can do that to kids.

This is my daughter a few years back. A dream at school, a nightmare at home, perfect until 2 years old then the terrible 2’s came and stayed for a decade! Not classic ASC and we never looked for a diagnosis but it was on my mind as autism is in the family. She had counselling which was useless. My Princess hothead. Meltdowns often over being rushed or not getting her own way. Every time we went out there were problems (and every time we stayed in to be fair!) Sometimes 3 1hr tantrums a day. I have no magic pearls of wisdom or hindsight unfortunately. My Dd started getting better when she had more autonomy / control over her life at secondary school age. At 7 the brain isn’t able to process the intensity of emotion these girls get properly.

She sounds exactly like an autistic girl I know. Right down to the rich inner life of every cuddly toy.

Perfect behaviour at school. Screaming meltdowns at home.

I suggest you see your gp and ask for a referral for an autism assessment.

Honestly, that does sound just like my DD. She had friends and always did well in school, but the pressure of masking got too much in secondary school. She really struggled when we came out of lockdown.

🙄 help was sought time and time again but was not very forthcoming. It was a fond nickname from a book she loved and could relate too. School were slow to help as she was the model pupil.

Just wanted to say that although it’s possible she might have some SEN needs, my eldest child was exactly like this at this age. Meltdowns, aggressive, awful to us. Perfect at school. It was so difficult, but eventually something just changed and she seemed to grow out of it and is now a lovely teenager with no issues. So I just wanted to say that sometimes, I’m not saying often, or necessarily in your daughter’s case, but sometimes, it’s just a phase.

Sounds very similar to one of my DC, highly intelligent, masked it all at school but became increasingly challenging at home leading to an absolute nightmare for a couple of years. I specifically raised it with his primary school and asked if they thought it might be ASD, was told oh no, they would have picked something up but had seen nothing of concern. Finally got a private diagnosis first year of secondary school. Don't rely on what school says, if you have concerns try to get a professional assessment sooner rather than later.

This is so hard. My friends DD presents just like this but as referral for diagnosis now has to go through school she is stuck. School will not refer her as they see nothing. GP will not get involved as she can't refer anymore as it is schools job. On the other end of the scale my neighbour's little boy is so well behaved polite never angry or violent but at School he is so demanding and aggressive he swears and kicks and has been excluded for 2 days . He is only 7- School have had concerns since reception but my neighbour thinks they are making it all up. Seems wrong that a school can refer if issues there but oif issues at home nothing can be done.

She sounds spookily similar to my autistic DD. Definitely consider having her assessed for autism, OP!