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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think it's weird he deletes WhatsApp messages from his ex?

26 replies

GeeBee27 · 15/06/2023 22:16

Just that really. DH mentioned he'd swapped some whatsapp messages with his ex.

Being ridiculously insecure looked at the phone to assure myself messages weren't dodgy.

They ain't there.

But he told me he sent them so I should assume it's not something bad? Maybe he deletes a lot of messages, idk. I don't normally look at his messages and feel quite guilty about doing it now.

Same time...bit of a twinge. Typing this though I think IABU. Aren't I.

OP posts:
dudsville · 15/06/2023 22:19

I don't know your partner, you or the state of your relationship, but i delete messages from my ex. I don't like coming across them and being reminded of him. There's nothing fishy about the exchanges, he'll message asking me what's up, I'll reply something non engaging.

Bb234 · 15/06/2023 22:19

No, he’s got something to

Bb234 · 15/06/2023 22:20

*hide

Newname211 · 15/06/2023 22:20

Are his messages to you still there?

WunWun · 15/06/2023 22:21

I delete messages from a guy I was seeing for a while, because it makes me feel annoyed to have them in my phone

WunWun · 15/06/2023 22:22

Did she leave him? Maybe he doesn't want to be reminded of it?

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 15/06/2023 22:53

Hi OP, we've reinstated your thread for you now.

Original poster
GeeBee27 · 15/06/2023 23:10

Thank you Clara! and thanks for all responses

I'm not sure what's the most accurate way to answer your questions dudsville - they split up mutually but it wasn't nice. But it was years ago. Then again, they were together for years. He told it to me , I mean he told me about messaging her in quite a neutral way, like it wasn't emotional but just a thing about a mutual friend.

Tbh I felt guilty checking his email - he leaves his laptop open in the living room so I can see his whatsapp on there. Tbh if he was a lying cheat he wouldn't do that - I don't think. But I am insecure, my ex was very abusive, not making excuses, but I just had a bit of a panic and looked at his whatsapp - web and when I opened it a ton of messages appeatred and disappeared (including from her, but nothign that looke d dodfgy, just a conversation as far as I coul d see(. But when it stopped her messages all dissapeared. So he deleted them.

(educate me if I'm wrong, please ! - I don't know a lot about whatsappwebb).

Newname - no. My messages were all there.

It's probably nothing I just wanted to hear voices other than the panic in my own head (I've had a rough time tbh one way or another, so am not Mrs super easy going partner).

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
PurplePear7 · 15/06/2023 23:13

I delete WhatsApp chats if it’s people I don’t want to talk to / won’t talk to again. No point having them on there if they aren’t in my life!

DeeCeeCherry · 15/06/2023 23:16

I say hi and have a little chat to exes if we happen to meet. But I don't phone or receive calls/texts from them. Why? Relationship is over, we don't need to be more than acquaintances.

People who can't let go of exes are weak-minded, and also disrespectful to current partner. Have a word with your DH, don't stew on this. But ultimately you know deep down whether he's trustworthy or not. I wonder if he'd mind you messaging with your ex?

Original poster
GeeBee27 · 15/06/2023 23:17

Thanks PurplePear, that's reassuring to hear, and I think my partner might be just doing the same. I feel a bit wrong that I looked at his messages and think I am proably BU - thanks

OP posts:
MissTique · 15/06/2023 23:22

Another who acts like PurplePear7.

Original poster
GeeBee27 · 15/06/2023 23:23

DeeCeeCherry · 15/06/2023 23:16

I say hi and have a little chat to exes if we happen to meet. But I don't phone or receive calls/texts from them. Why? Relationship is over, we don't need to be more than acquaintances.

People who can't let go of exes are weak-minded, and also disrespectful to current partner. Have a word with your DH, don't stew on this. But ultimately you know deep down whether he's trustworthy or not. I wonder if he'd mind you messaging with your ex?

Thanks DeeCee. Well, my main ex was not a good person and I don't have any contact with him now, so it's hard to say.

My partner and his ex had a bad breakup. THey were together a long time and sometimes I've been insecure that he really wanted to have stayed together and had kids with her, etc. I know everyone feels like that when they aren't the first, but he has never quite reassured me it's all over and he's glad it's all over... maybe that isn't fair. But sometimes I think he is a bit too fine about just being in touch with her - I don't know her and I don't want to tbh, but I basically thought they would stop being in touch one day just natuyrally.

Sorry, rambling on. I don't think he is lying about anything, I just was creeped out somehow to see he deleted those messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeeBee27 · 15/06/2023 23:27

MissTique · 15/06/2023 23:22

Another who acts like PurplePear7.

thanks, I am thinking it's just me and my messed-up ex-relationships and insecurity. Thanks for the reality check everyone.

OP posts:
Buyyouflowers · 15/06/2023 23:28

When he mentioned it did you casually ask back what they chatted about or why they started chatting?

Seems odd to start chatting if they don’t have kids.

Redglitter · 15/06/2023 23:33

I keep my family chats on my main screen but if I have a chat with a friend or colleague I delete it once the conversation is over. I hate my screen being cluttered up.

Jjjy · 15/06/2023 23:36

Your insecurity is your problem I’m afraid. You absolutely should not be checking his messages. It’s such a a breach of trust. You either trust him or you don’t.

Mbop · 15/06/2023 23:43

Why tell you if he's deleted them. I think it's weird.

Original poster
GeeBee27 · 15/06/2023 23:51

Buyyouflowers · 15/06/2023 23:28

When he mentioned it did you casually ask back what they chatted about or why they started chatting?

Seems odd to start chatting if they don’t have kids.

They have a mutual area of work interest... urgh I don't want to say anything at all identifying, which is not because of my DP but because of my stalky ex tbh.

They used to work together in a particular area which was just in the news and DP relayed to me that he'd had a conversation with her about it on whatsapp and what she had said about it.

To tell the honest truth my reaction was angry, I don't want to know what she thinks about anything or to know that my partner is so interested in it. But, Jjjy - I know you're right. This is my insecurity speaking. I can only say I wasn't always this insecure before terrible previous relationship. I know it's a breach of trust. I just wanted to be reassured by seeing the totally inoccuous messages. And I... wasn't. Because they weren't there.

I know I'm not in the right but I have some anxiousness - sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
GeeBee27 · 16/06/2023 00:05

I'm going to bed now, DP being off on work duties. Thanks everyone for the wise words. I'm slightly bothered that I think most of you who wrote agreed I'm being silly but on the poll-vote thing it's about 60% "not" being unreasonable, which seems like people think I should be worried...but I don't think you think I should be worried, people...that's my sense! And I think it's right. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 16/06/2023 00:11

Mbop · 15/06/2023 23:43

Why tell you if he's deleted them. I think it's weird.

I’d tell my wife, and I regularly clear out messages too.
Why do the messages still need to exist in order to mention you’ve spoken to them?

Original poster
GeeBee27 · 16/06/2023 00:17

Deathbyfluffy · 16/06/2023 00:11

I’d tell my wife, and I regularly clear out messages too.
Why do the messages still need to exist in order to mention you’ve spoken to them?

Show quote history

I don't know what you mean by your question? If your wife was a bit worried, even if you hadn't done anything wrong, maybe you could show her your messages so she knows it's not a worry,?

OP posts:
Goballistic · 16/06/2023 03:24

WhatsApp has the option of auto deleting messages after a set period of time if not saved. A friend of mine has it switched on and all our conversations vanish after a day. If she had that on it could be the reason

AngelAurora · 16/06/2023 03:31

You are out of order reading his personal messages, do you not trust him? This is your issue to deal with, I would dump anyone who breached my trust and went behind my back snooping, you need to move past this before it ruins your relationship.

LadyH846 · 16/06/2023 03:45

I often delete WhatsApp msgs, especially if it's someone I don't think I'll be speaking to again.

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