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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? (Child imbalance)

28 replies

Bagpuss2022 · 15/06/2023 14:06

We have 3 DC and it hasn’t dealt occurred to me till I got the text I got then morning.
eldest DC went to New York with school middle applied (it’s a school lottery) he never did but today been informed DD has been awarded a place I want to i don’t know compensate middle DS all of our DC have been able to do within reason activities.
it’s never even been brought up by DS2 I think maybe it’s just mum guilt he’s also the less academic child but also the most work hard. You can’t compare x child went to ballet school and y child went to wresting programme .
I just feel DC2 deserves what his siblings got/will have ? Opinions

OP posts:
FartVandelay · 15/06/2023 14:07

Eh? Sorry I don't understand

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 15/06/2023 14:10

Siblings got to go to NY on a school trip - kids picked at random - middle child didn't.

He works very hard and OP feels he should get some kind of similar treat.

Not sure what you are agonising over OP, just treat the kid if you want to. Why the angst?

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 15/06/2023 14:10

FartVandelay · 15/06/2023 14:07

Eh? Sorry I don't understand

Basically am I wrong in wanting middle DC to have the same money as other DC got it for school trip

OP posts:
Fairyliz · 15/06/2023 14:10

I wouldn’t do anything personally. You are saying he’s never said anything and isn’t that bothered.
It’s a good learning experience; he knows now life isn’t always fair and if he really wants to go to New York he has the rest of his life to go. I expect he only applied because his mates did.

Clarich007 · 15/06/2023 14:11

Makes no sense whatsoever??

mynameiscalypso · 15/06/2023 14:12

It makes perfect sense. I'd be led by your DC on this. Can you do something special with them while your youngest is on the trip?

ComtesseDeSpair · 15/06/2023 14:13

As long as you’re providing for them all equally yourself, that’s all that matters. Trying to make their whole lives equal when it’s things which happen due to good luck, chance, the choices they make and just where they are at a given moment will drive you potty if you try to do it, you’ll end up on a constant cycle of the DC analysing who go what and whether it was fair compensation for what the others got.

MotherIand · 15/06/2023 14:13

Makes sense, ignore those being snide.

I'd gift middle dc the cash if I could for a trip to NY, ideally helping with organising it if they need help. Sorry it won't be the same experience though as a school trip.
I really think schools need to make things fairer.

Original poster
Bagpuss2022 · 15/06/2023 14:14

I can and will bath he’s not even seemed bothered so that’s the dilemma do I make it a an issue when it’s not?

OP posts:
imnotwhoyouthinkiam · 15/06/2023 14:14

I understand what you mean op.

DB1 and I both got to go on our school "fun trip" (Disney land Paris)
DB2 didn't.

Mum took him separately as an adult to even it out. It actually didn't even it out. He had a much better trip than we did imo. But then he might see it as fairer than it was before.

I'm not sure what I'd do if it was my dc. But I've never been able to afford big trips like that.

viques · 15/06/2023 14:17

Say you will pay for driving lessons when he reaches 17, or buy equipment for a sport if he has one and needs it, or a new bike. I wouldn’t give him the actual cash though.

Sissynova · 15/06/2023 14:25

I would just take him on a nice day out maybe.
Since it sounds like the other 2 DC won competitions for their prize giving middle DC cash to the value of an NY trip doesn't seem fair either.

MotherIand · 15/06/2023 14:28

Bagpuss2022 · 15/06/2023 14:14

I can and will bath he’s not even seemed bothered so that’s the dilemma do I make it a an issue when it’s not?

I'd gift it anyway.

Namechangedforthis2244 · 15/06/2023 14:33

I wouldn’t give the money because it opens up a whole world of “but why can’t I have some too because I did scouts and Fred did horse riding”.

But I would book a trip for just myself and middle child to New York so that they’ve all been to New York. Or pay for a different expensive school trip so they’ve all had a one-off type school holiday

Namechangedforthis2244 · 15/06/2023 14:36

Oh, and I’d make it seem a bit like chance. “Oh Fred, there is an exhibition in New York on 20th century hats (or whatever his passion is). Shall we go?”

Rather than a deliberately discussed and mullled over question of fairness….

viques · 15/06/2023 14:39

Sissynova · 15/06/2023 14:25

I would just take him on a nice day out maybe.
Since it sounds like the other 2 DC won competitions for their prize giving middle DC cash to the value of an NY trip doesn't seem fair either.

I don’t think the trips were a prize, it was a school lottery for places, two got places, the middle child didn’t. The OP still had to pay for the trip.

HawdMeBack · 15/06/2023 14:44

It'd offer DC2 a trip but if he declined then that would be the end of it. I think he deserves the opportunity but if he decides he doesn't want to take it then that's up to him. I wouldn't then offer the monetary equivalent.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 15/06/2023 14:47

Is middle DC likely to have future opportunities for this kind of thing?

If so then I wouldn't compensate just make it clear that you'll support those future opportunities. Otherwise you might spend the money this year then have to do it again next year leading to imbalance towards your other DC.

Duckinghel · 15/06/2023 15:01

I think regard it as swings and roundabouts. DD1s school did many (expensive) overseas trips and DD2 got to go on one weekend trip, because she went to a different school.

At different times I have given money/paid for different things for them which aren’t necessarily equal but they don’t seem to notice.

Maybe think of something your DS wants to do but the others don’t, to ‘compensate’ him in your own mind. If he is not too bothered I wouldn’t make a big deal of it.

tattygrl · 15/06/2023 15:12

The post does make sense, but you have to do some careful reading to make sense of the sentences. OP, I am not saying this in a grammar nazi way, but pleeeease use some punctuation!! 😂This was tricky to decipher

7eleven · 15/06/2023 15:17

tattygrl · 15/06/2023 15:12

The post does make sense, but you have to do some careful reading to make sense of the sentences. OP, I am not saying this in a grammar nazi way, but pleeeease use some punctuation!! 😂This was tricky to decipher

Yes. You probably wrote it in a rush, but it is hard to read without punctuation. It distracted me from your point.

ShimmeringShirts · 15/06/2023 15:33

I completely understand where you’re coming from OP.

DD has got to do a lot school activity wise throughout the years and has been given a lot of money to be able to do this/buy that while on trips away. DS would have loved to do similar things but has never been able to for various reasons. I do the same as you’re contemplating, I give DS an equivalent amount of spending money or a day out/movie night treat instead to kind of make up for him missing out (both on the trips and with having his own spending money). It was never an issue for him but I felt equally guilty, it’s still not an issue now and he doesn’t expect money or days out if his sibling gets to do something fun. He’s very happy if he does but equally doesn’t mooch about looking upset etc if not.

Mum guilt costs a lot financially over the years 😁

ShimmeringShirts · 15/06/2023 15:35

And to those complaining about deciphering, 2nd post down written by @CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop surmises it succinctly. No need to keep repeating yourselves that you couldn’t understand. Not everyone has perfect spelling and grammar and not everyone has the ability to be fluid in their writing.

mindutopia · 15/06/2023 16:12

Why not offer him the chance to go on a trip with you? Surely for the cost of a school trip to NYC, you could have an amazing trip somewhere closer of his choosing, just the 2 of you. If he's not fussed, then just let him know the offer is there if he wants to take it up.

I've taken mine away individually to do some travelling and it was a lovely time for both of us.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/06/2023 21:09

How old is he? Could you find another trip for him to do instead, pgl or something if the right age.

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