Is this rude?

[Maybehotandbothered]

I may well just be in a bad mood as I often am! But every time it's one of the dcs birthday. Dhs side of the family tell dh to come and collect their card/present.

For info we don't live nearby and we see his parents around once a month. When it's one of their birthdays we make sure that we go over and get their presents to them but we are just told the present is here come and collect it.

We both work full time and are very busy, we do drive and they drive too and they are retired.

Same thing happens with Christmas presents. They ask what the dc want then tell us to go and buy it and they'll give us the money 🤷‍♀️ it isn't just his parents who do this but siblings too.

Probably going to be told I'm being ungrateful but I feel dh and I are really taken for granted in many ways and treated like the poor relatives/black sheep and it pees me off.

No you’re not ungrateful. It’s the thought that counts and they’re showing no thought whatsoever.

FIL is the same; you send suggestions (he should really already know what his grandchildren are interested in….) and he comes back wanting an exact link. Then it’s ‘ok you buy it and I’ll give you the money’…. So actually zero effort put in whatsoever!

You're not ungrateful, you have some standards.

I think I'd just respond with 'well, you can give it to them in person next time they see you.' That way the onus is on them as to whether they miss the birthday or not. I never know what to get for my nephew and niece so ask for ideas and specific links so that I know I am getting the right thing. However, I wouldn't ask the parent to buy the gift....thats a step too far.

Invite them over when it's the next child's birthday. Then it's up to them to bring the present. By making a special trip there you are enabling them. Perhaps they are waiting for an invite?

YANBU at all.

I would wait until I have to go and visit them for something else
"thank you so much for the present, how lovely of you, we will collect when we come next, children will be over the moon" that kind of nonsense

true,

but good grief, imagine having to invite the in-laws for every child's birthday or event! Who's got time or energy for that.

Maybe it’s a hint they want to see their son and grandchildren more often?

Yes and I don't mind at all being asked for ideas, it's the way we have to go and buy it.

We not only have to go and buy our own presents, we also have to deliver them to be wrapped, and collect them again 🤣

I feel as though we are being completely taken the mickey out of.

I would just say I'm sorry I won't have time to collect but feel free to drop it over. Dh is such a bloody people pleaser that he won't say anything.

We have a relative that gives a cheque in January with everyones birthday money in, so instead of remembering when your birthday is, they dont

I was told (when I posted before) you should be grateful - no, i'd rather not have it thanks

No YANBU. They're being lazy. Why should you have to go on a tour every birthday and Christmas to collect presents? Tell them you'll get them next time you see them and don't get DS's hopes up about the presents if you don't want to see them again until Christmas.
I'd stop delivering their gifts, too and just take them when you usually visit or get them to pick up. They're used to you operating a delivery and collection service at your time and expense so drop the rope.

oh fuck that, i'm exhausted just reading it!

send a present, dont sent a present, deliver or don't - but do your own fucking legwork!

I doubt it given that every time we suggest meeting up they are busy 🤷‍♀️

assuming they are adults, maybe they shouldnt be hinting...

Start saying no; if your dh has nothing better to do then he can do it but you don’t have to accommodate this nonsense

I have that as well! It drives me crazy. Fair enough ask for ideas but then when I give them the grandparents say "ok well you pick one, order it and I'll send you the money 😡.

One year, my friend's mum and aunt came round before Christmas and went through all the gifts she had bought for her dc, and took away the ones they wanted to give them - so my friend had to think of more things her dc might like, and then go and shop for them!

@Maybehotandbothered - I don't think you are being at all unreasonable - dh and I live a long way from many of our family and friends - including ds1, his wife and our granddaughter - and it is our responsibility to get their cards and gifts to them - not the other way around.

Given how many companies there are who will deliver directly to the recipient, and may well gift wrap and include a card (for a small extra charge), it is beyond lazy not to get a gift to someone and to expect them to make a big trip to collect it.

Just pick them up next time you're there

In fairness my dcs GP did this. But they lived 400 miles away, were elderly and relied solely on public transport.
butnit is how they do it that counts
my MIL would call me at least a month before birthday. She’d discuss what type of things she’d beeen thinking about for birthday, asking me or her son for feedback. She’d make a decision and ask us to buy it and wrap it. This also saved on post. I’d take a picture of it when purchased and wrapped and send to her. She’d put a cheque in post immediately and send me a nice old fashioned note let with it to thank me for my help in organising.
they’d also send card with pocket money , not only to child who’s birthday it was, but to the non birthday child so they didn’t feel they were missing out 🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤷🏼‍♀️🤣🤣. One of her quirks , I don’t think she got what to do on siblings birthdays as her son was an only child 🤣
so, it’s fine if it’s a logistic thing to help out parents or relatives that would otherwise find it difficult to get an actual gift, but it is how it is done

I don't see a problem with asking for links (in typical Mumsnet fashion, I see many posts berating relatives for NOT asking for links!) but I wouldn't go specially to collect presents. If you see them once a month, can't you coordinate that visit to be round about the birthday? "Oh, we're seeing you on Thursday anyway-Little Jeremy can have it then, and you can watch him opening it."
I have bought presents before, but we have plenty of relations that live a distance away, so I don't mind that, so long as I get the money. (Looking at you-Auntie Carolyn!)

Agree with other posters, "how lovely. The DC will love to receive those next time they see you."

I see you the "you must think of all the ideas for Christmas presents, and buy them" and raise you "and we're only going to broach the topic 3 days before".

Now, they mostly do the buying themselves (or rather, SIL is made to do it all for them but that's a different conversation) but I get increasingly irritated messages and calls if I can't come up with 5 things on 22 December. Drives me absolutely potty. DS now prefers money which is great - they just hand him an envelope of cash and I am much less stressed.

Then they are both dumb as well as lazy.

"We'd love to catch up and bring the gifts, what time works for us to visit?"

Is that really so fucking hard?

You'd think so wouldn't you?

Sometimes they have (it feels like) deliberately not given presents. So for example let's say fil has his birthday a week before one of our dc. We go round to deliver fil his present and see them. They don't give dcs present and instead text a few days later saying "grandchild's present is here come and collect it". Knowing that the child's birthday is within a couple of days and we are all at school and work so dh ends up running himself ragged making a special trip.

"ooh, brilliant. DS loves a birthday that lasts for weeks. We'll collect those when we see you next month."

It is rude.

I'd do as @Backtoreality1 has suggested. Reply with "Oh that's lovely. You can give it to them the next time you come to see them".

Using the wording in @Backtoreality1's post, it leaves it open to them holding on to the gift until the next time you go to visit them.

I'd give the visits a bit of a summer break and if they ask (which unfortunately I suspect they won't) you can extend an invite for a BBQ or dinner or something and say to them "Oh don't forget to bring X's present with you when you're coming".

Yeah just say you'll collect it when you next see them. I assume DC have enough from you/other relatives and won't be upset by receiving their presents a bit later on?