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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Girlfriend invited friend to meet us on our romantic trip away?

56 replies

radsclosed · 15/06/2023 10:17

Been playing this for ages
Me and my GF (both female ) are going away for a couple of nights to London for a romantic trip away.
We are currently en route and she has just told me tonight a friend she hasn't seen for a while Is meeting us for a drink (this friend doesn't just have a couple -she will want to get legless)
So tomorrow my GF will feel like crap (as she will join in )
I've been so excited for us time and now this friend will be with us.
I wanted to see the sights and play it by ear
I've been told she's getting a train and we are meeting her at 4pm
So it's a case of quickly getting to hotel and dumping bags and leaving.

Im honestly so annoyed
Aibu ?

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 15/06/2023 12:15

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2023 11:42

I would be annoyed be obviously some compromise is required.

Nope. Sometimes compromise isn't required at all. The op's partner is totally out of order and meeting up with the friend should be cancelled. End of.

I agree, the time for compromise would have been before inviting the friend, not after. Like "I was thinking of asking Jane to meet us on the Friday night, what do you think" and then "OK but not for a piss up, make it clear it's just for a couple and then we've got a dinner reservation just for the two of us"

OP, think very clearly about planning a baby with someone who "doesn't always think about what she's doing" and doesn't prioritise your relationship.

France556 · 15/06/2023 12:38

radsclosed · 15/06/2023 10:20

Oh yeah I've explained exactly how I feel
Her response "well it's planned now and she's bought her ticket ,I don't know what to do,I don't want to upset anybody -I feel bad now"

It wouldn't enter my head to invite a friend along

Well she obviously has upset someone - you. If she feels bad then she knows you’re upset so let her fix it.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/06/2023 12:40

No, you’re perfectly reasonable being pissed off, most people would.

VasariMichelangelo · 15/06/2023 12:42

Wombi · 15/06/2023 11:16

Whilst it's annoying your Gf did not mention catching up with her friend. I would not make such a big deal out of it. She hasn't met her friend in 5 years and this has happened to loads of people over the years with covid , family commitments etc. Just tell her to go easy on the alcohol as ye have stuff planned for the next day. I don't think her intentions were bad but maybe tell her in future to let you know.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see a friend after 5 years but I do wonder why the gf didn't mention it before she made the arrangement. That way they could have decided between themselves maybe just to meet for dinner so there was a compromise given friend is only 20 mins away.

PriOn1 · 15/06/2023 12:51

Presumably she didn’t mention it because she knew there was a good chance OP wouldn’t be happy with the arrangement. Telling when it’s “too late to cancel” is a classic controlling first move.

OP, I think this is one of those times when you put your relationship to the test and say no. Your girlfriend has been very unreasonable and this is a good time to make it clear that this is unacceptable and you won’t be messed around.

MMMarmite · 15/06/2023 12:54

It depends how clear you were that this was solely a romantic getaway. I'm quite social and I could see myself going "oh, we're going to london, would be nice to say hi to X while we're there". I'd typically run it past my partner first, for politeness, and especially if I thought they might not like it, but I wouldn't assume a trip with partner meant we couldn't meet up with anyone else.

thedogisstaring · 15/06/2023 12:54

Most people I know who live on edges of London tend to get early drinks so they can get train home, so it may not be as bad as you're anticipating. Just say that you're not thrilled about it but don't want it to ruin weekend. Book a meal at 7.30 for the 3 of you to slow down the drinking. After meal hopefully it'll be time for friend to fuck off and get her train!

TequilaNights · 15/06/2023 13:06

If she lives close to London it is highly unlikely she has brought a ticket, most is done through card tap in and out.

Hope you can make the most of your few nights away despite this, 3rd wheeling on a romantic weekend isn't on though.

booksandbrooks · 15/06/2023 13:13

I don't see why this is such a drama tbh. But I'd probably suggest my oh saw their friends if we were going closeish by. They wouldn't suggest it to me, but I don't think they'd be annoyed either.

Adenomyosisisntyourosis · 15/06/2023 13:14

I think you maybe should delay having a baby till you’ve sorted your communication skills out. My partner is an extremely poor communicator and I’ve had to teach him how to communicate and regularly point out when his poor communication impacts on our children’s lives. So much easier to sort it out before children.

booksandbrooks · 15/06/2023 13:14

Sorry drama didn't mean you, more the hyperbolic replies on here.

It is disappointing if it's not what you had hoped for but hopefully you can retrieve it a bit.

MinnieMountain · 15/06/2023 13:21

If your GF is that bothered about seeing her friend she can visit her another weekend.

1offnamechange · 15/06/2023 13:23

If your gf hasn't seen the friend for 5 years and you've only been together 4 years, how do you know a) friend will want to get legless b) your gf will join her and feel like crap tomorrow?

Even if that was what they used to do together as friends before you got together with your gf a lot can change in 5 years!

I agree with the poster who suggested booking (or agreeing to tell the friend you've booked) food for x time so they can spend a few hours catching up then you can go off and do your own thing
If your gf "doesn't want to upset anyone" she should agree this is a fair compromise. Also ask her not to get legless, which again isn't an excessive thing to ask a reasonable grown up!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/06/2023 13:26

I can understand her wanting to catch up with her friend if she has not seen her for a while and you're in the area but

She should have run it past you first
She shouldn't have told you last minute
She should have done it in way that didnt impact your weekend. Eg tell friend 'we are going to see x at 3, do you want to join us' instead of turning a romantic weekend into a piss up with mates.

I'd be really pissed off

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 13:30

Assert your POV NOW.

"Look, this is our special weekend for you and me. If we meet your friend for A DRINK, promise me it's just that. A drink, then on our way.

Promise you won't get legless with X and ruin the night and next day for both of us."

Outofthepark · 15/06/2023 13:32

All your GF has to do is to tell friend you both have dinner reservations a couple of hours later, easy, job done.

But she isn't, and if she doesn't she just sounds like she couldn't really cares less and just does what she fancies. She'd do my head in!

BumpyaDaisyevna · 15/06/2023 13:36

Do you think she is deep down panicking about the "romantic trip" and the intimacy. And the friend is a way of triangulating?

HowAmYa · 15/06/2023 14:03

Its a romantic trip away. Couples trip. And she's invited a mate to get pissed with her tonight.
Nope. Just nope.

I'd rather cancel the romantic part of the trip and have my other half have a weekend with their mates than ruin a romantic break. And yes I said ruin. I say that because I personally would only ever have time/holiday for 1 romantic break in the year that's just us as a couple. I'd hate for my partner to invite a mate to get pissed with on the first night when they can do that another time of the year.

BreviloquentBastard · 15/06/2023 14:09

radsclosed · 15/06/2023 10:20

Oh yeah I've explained exactly how I feel
Her response "well it's planned now and she's bought her ticket ,I don't know what to do,I don't want to upset anybody -I feel bad now"

It wouldn't enter my head to invite a friend along

What she means here is she doesn't want to upset her friend. She's perfectly fine with upsetting you.

Are you ok with being second priority to this friend?

WhatADrabCarpet · 15/06/2023 14:30

It sounds like your partner and her friend will be getting bladdered whilst catching up, reminiscing and sharing in-jokes and you'll feel like a spare part.

I wouldn't be going on this trip and I'd be telling my partner what I thought about her priorities.

Put your desire for a baby on the back burner for now.

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 14:30

Rethink your baby plan.

Parenthood means someone else becomes the centre of your universe. It means putting their needs ahead of your trivial whims.. Couples who stick have practised that in advance, with each other.

Your partner has exhibited fair warning she is too selfish and immature to prioritise relationships . She's not ready for parenthood either.

MMMarmite · 15/06/2023 15:30

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 14:30

Rethink your baby plan.

Parenthood means someone else becomes the centre of your universe. It means putting their needs ahead of your trivial whims.. Couples who stick have practised that in advance, with each other.

Your partner has exhibited fair warning she is too selfish and immature to prioritise relationships . She's not ready for parenthood either.

What "needs"? The OP doesn't "need" a romantic weekend, it's a want. Is wanting to see a friend more of a "whim" than wanting a romantic evening? The OPs not in hospital or stuck with a broken down car etc, she's not being abandoned in her hour of need.

MMMarmite · 15/06/2023 15:31

1offnamechange · 15/06/2023 13:23

If your gf hasn't seen the friend for 5 years and you've only been together 4 years, how do you know a) friend will want to get legless b) your gf will join her and feel like crap tomorrow?

Even if that was what they used to do together as friends before you got together with your gf a lot can change in 5 years!

I agree with the poster who suggested booking (or agreeing to tell the friend you've booked) food for x time so they can spend a few hours catching up then you can go off and do your own thing
If your gf "doesn't want to upset anyone" she should agree this is a fair compromise. Also ask her not to get legless, which again isn't an excessive thing to ask a reasonable grown up!

Good question!

Maddy70 · 15/06/2023 15:53

If I was going to a town where a friend lives I would definitely invite them to join us for a drink it would be weird not to

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2023 16:11

Maddy70 · 15/06/2023 15:53

If I was going to a town where a friend lives I would definitely invite them to join us for a drink it would be weird not to

The friend doesn't live there for one, and I would hope you'd have enough sense and courtesy to ask your partner about it first before you made plans.

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