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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Work Leaving do

58 replies

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 02:45

I have been promoted in my company and will join my dream office which I’m relieved about. My current workplace is extremely toxic and honestly I can’t wait to see the back of the majority of people there again! Unfortunately as I’m remaining in the company in a senior leadership role, our paths could cross in the future.

I’m struggling with whether to have a leaving do or not. It’s the norm to send a whole office invite but a lot of people have said they won’t go if X or Y goes or only will go if I also invite their mates from other offices and tbh, it all feels immature. Also I don’t know where to book for the 30+ people who indicated they want to go as it’s a Friday evening.

ideally I’d do a smaller leaving do at a nice restaurant and cherry pick who’s invited - Aibu? ultimately some people who assume they’re getting an invite won’t, cause I just want a relaxing night without any drama. But I’m conscious of leaving people out.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 15/06/2023 07:04

Don't have one. Say you'd like people to donate to a charity of your choice instead. After all it is summer (almost) and many people may have plans for the weekend, you could argue.

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 07:06

I wouldn't attend a leaving do at my own expense so just order in some pizzas and get a couple of bottles of prosecco in the office if people want to stick around after work that day

Softleftpowerstance · 15/06/2023 07:14

You can’t complain that your office culture is toxic and then criticise posters for not understanding your office culture. The norms you have are part of your culture and will be tied in with the toxicity. It all sounds like hard work and it’s not surprising that cliques have evolved if this is normal.

if you’re moving into senior leadership in the same company then I’m afraid you do have to worry about optics.

Oblomov23 · 15/06/2023 07:22

Just bring in loads of cakes, crispy kreme doughnuts, and some fruit. You can have who you like to a smaller meal later.

Isthisreasonable · 15/06/2023 07:41

You're leaving and seems you want to be feted (+gifts?) by people you largely don't get on with? I would just bring cake into the office. I would then bring in cake on my first day in the new role, a good way to meet the new team informally. Leave the toxicity behind and start afresh with the new team on a positive note.

pilates · 15/06/2023 07:45

It all sounds a bit ott to me. Just because everyone else has big leaving dos doesn’t mean you have to do the same. Have some nibbles and drinks in the office if you really have to do something but otherwise I would stick to cakes. And don’t exclude anyone even the ones you can’t stand.

AgnesX · 15/06/2023 07:47

If you're staying in the same organisation why have one at all - bar a quiet drinks night maybe?

EvilElsa · 15/06/2023 08:09

I'd buck the trend and buy a massive cake which can be shared among everyone and say you don't want a leaving do. Leave it a few weeks and invite your chosen few for a dinner.

Doggymummar · 15/06/2023 08:13

Hi everyone, BBQ at mine on Saturday 6thjuly 2pm till 6pm all welcome. Send deposit to my account on payday if you are coming £10 per person. Be great to see you.

WonderDays · 15/06/2023 08:22

I’d also mix things up and bring in cakes or snacks and maybe some Nosecco for everyone and don’t do anything else.

Quveas · 15/06/2023 08:33

Same here. I will be retiring soon, and there's usually a "do" where everyone comes along and the Director speaks. I have made it clear that the only person who won't be there will be me. I despise most of them (for good reason) so I will be having a meal with my line manager and immediate colleagues (who all also despise the rest of them!).

GoodChat · 15/06/2023 08:40

Quveas · 15/06/2023 08:33

Same here. I will be retiring soon, and there's usually a "do" where everyone comes along and the Director speaks. I have made it clear that the only person who won't be there will be me. I despise most of them (for good reason) so I will be having a meal with my line manager and immediate colleagues (who all also despise the rest of them!).

That's a completely different scenario though.
OP is staying in the same company, moving into a senior leadership role and will still need to interact with these people on a professional level.

MumblesParty · 15/06/2023 08:55

I don’t think you can have it both ways OP. Either you hate the environment and want to get out - in which case, why have a big leaving do at all? Or you want a big celebration, in which case you invite everyone.

You can’t have a special do for the people you like. Not if you’re going to run into some of these people again. You’ll always be remembered as the one who had 2 leaving do’s - one for the people she liked and one for the people she didn’t!

Fattygettingthinner · 15/06/2023 08:55

I think that if you’re a senior leader in the company you can’t play petty politics, it is incredibly toxic what you’re suggesting.

you either have one and invite everyone, or don’t have one and invite no one.

this cherry picking is school girl toxic bullying and unpleasant.

DumboLives · 15/06/2023 08:59

None of you really like each other, probably more of a tradition/expectation for all the wrong reasons.

I would just leave it and have a discrete catch up meal with the people you want once you are in your new role.

NoFunAnymoreHere · 15/06/2023 09:12

Tea party at work. And a drink with office friends at some point a week or so later

Dont only invite a quarter of the people. That’s contributing to the toxic culture you are complaining about.

I love nights out with friends but rarely go to work leaving dos. I see them as an obligation.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/06/2023 09:17

thanksroyalmaill · 15/06/2023 06:56

to clear things up, it is the norm to have a leaving do in my company in this situation. It is also the norm to arrange it yourself. Everyone else has had to do so since I started as it is not appropriate for the business to fund it. You can’t assume your own company’s culture is the same as mine.

I am not a senior leader in my current role so don’t need to worry too much about optics. There are definite friendship groups in this office that exclusively socialise and don’t invite the entire office - I have not been invited to every leaving do myself.

There isn’t a nearby pub. In the past, entire restaurants have been hired out to accommodate the volume of people attending. This comes at a cost so colleagues literally pay deposits to attend. Likewise with golf/bowling/darts etc. Hence why it’s a bit annoying having to arrange something with people who mutually dislike each other. I’ll most likely do 2 leaving dos, the “everyone” one and an intimate one afterwards. I know for example people in my team would be more comfortable in an intimate setting vs a large group setting so will hopefully meet everyone’s needs.

Madness.

Cakes at coffee time. Then a lunch another time with those you are friendly with. Nothing more.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 15/06/2023 09:25

Either have a small lunch on your last day with your immediate team and say that’s all you’re doing, or have an open invitation at a pub somewhere. (I know you said there isn’t a regular one near the office, but you can find somewhere as close by as possible.) A completely open invitation with no need to book a room or for people to pay deposits avoids having to specifically invite people you don’t actually like, without actively excluding them, and allows you to shut down any “I’m not going if Sally from Accounts is going” nonsense. As you said yourself, that’s all very immature - so don’t enable it.

If there are people you’re genuinely close to in your current office, have a low-key catch-up dinner with them a few weeks after moving. Don’t tie it into your leaving do in any way; that way no one can complain.

Bookworm20 · 15/06/2023 09:34

EvilElsa · 15/06/2023 08:09

I'd buck the trend and buy a massive cake which can be shared among everyone and say you don't want a leaving do. Leave it a few weeks and invite your chosen few for a dinner.

I'd do this to be honest.

Tell the ones you do like, that you'll stay in touch and then arrange to meet them a couple fo weeks later. Its not a leaving do as such then, just a catch up with friends so no one who isn't invited can moan about it.

If cake in the office isnt n option, just say meeting at x venue for drinks for anyone who wants to come. No need for a bid dinner with deposits taken etc. Leave it as an open invite for whoever can make it. Stay a few hours, talk mainly to the ones you like and then leave.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/06/2023 09:52

If you are moving into a senior management role then you cannot be excluding anybody. Neither can you be having smaller group meal with those you like. You will instantly be leaving yourself open to accusations of favouritism which will follow you around

Fattygettingthinner · 15/06/2023 09:58

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/06/2023 09:52

If you are moving into a senior management role then you cannot be excluding anybody. Neither can you be having smaller group meal with those you like. You will instantly be leaving yourself open to accusations of favouritism which will follow you around

It’s also deeply toxic. The op is accusing others of being toxic but this is as toxic as it gets. I’d wonder at her ability to be a manger, if her go to is mean girls bullying.

EarringsandLipstick · 15/06/2023 10:01

Neither can you be having smaller group meal with those you like
As long as it's separate to a 'going away' event, and she's marked the going away in some way for everyone (drinks invite, cakes or whatever) then she can.

It's only if she does the 'small select' group as a specific and only going away event, that it would be exclusionary.

MXVIT · 15/06/2023 10:15

JFC just buy a load of M&S treats, put them on a tambour, send an email out and leave!

Belmondo · 15/06/2023 13:30

MXVIT · 15/06/2023 10:15

JFC just buy a load of M&S treats, put them on a tambour, send an email out and leave!

Seconded!

Hocuspocusnonsense · 15/06/2023 22:44

I wouldn’t have one at all.

If you’re staying within the same company it will be easy to say you’re not worrying with a leaving do and bring in some cakes and a few bottles of bubbly to share at lunchtime on your last day.