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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cheating, cheated or innocent?

34 replies

Hrcg87 · 14/06/2023 16:59

DC was playing on DH's ipad and opened his messages when he handed it back to me to put youtube back on.

There was a message of a girl (OW) he used to work with that read:

OW "Hiya, it XXX. I know you have blocked me on everything and forgot i had your number saved but i just want to know why you have blocked me again? If its something i have done please let me know"

OW Another msg "block my number by all means just trying to understand"

DH reply "you know why i cant handle you my head falls off"

OW "ive been having a really hard time and needed someone to talk too. At least tell me whats going on instead of blocking me. That really hurts"

DH: "i know but if i tell u what i think i al worried you will disappear, i know it doesnt make sense. Im still here if u want to chat"

OW "i wont, id rather you tell me whats going on, it upsets me when u block me"

DH " fair enough, i messed up and am sorry. Promise it wont happen again. U still my friend?"

OW "of course"

All other messages of her have been deleted.

Just seems a rather odd convo, considering she was just a temp at his work and left a few months ago.

OP posts:

VR24 · 14/06/2023 17:05

Mmm That’s odd. I’d be the exact same as you! Maybe monitor the messages for a few days or pretend to be your husband and txt her from the iPad. I really hope it’s just a misunderstanding but I know I’d want to know I wouldn’t be able to get it out my mind. x

bibbityboppityboo · 14/06/2023 17:08

Ooo that's red flags all over.

In my mind - they've either cheated together, or she's made a move and he's totally shut her down and blocked her (and she's embarrassed).

Weird all of the other messages are deleted though.

"you know why i cant handle you my head falls off" - this is the message to me that suggests more from your DHs side though.

"i know but if i tell u what i think i al worried you will disappear" - why does he care if she disappears? Odd.

If she's a temp from his work from months ago - why does she have his number? Why is she searching for answers months later?

Sorry OP but if that was my DH I'd be fuming to read something like that.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 14/06/2023 17:11

No that's not good at all, something has happened there and it's overstepped the line.

jeaux90 · 14/06/2023 17:16

Definitely something going on. I mean there are several scenarios here any of which means he's not been totally honest.

Denise82 · 14/06/2023 17:20

Was she a temp for very long? Why would he give her his number?
Seems to me they got close talking and it was possibly turning his head hence his "head falls off " comment, this makes it look more from his part. So he blocked her on everything except his mobile, which suggests thats not how they used to talk. So possibly on Insta dm or Messenger.
She soinds like she wants back in to whatever it was and is playing the " really needed someone to talk" to, etc
If it was my husband, I'd just ask him. And see his reaction. On the us side he did block her but he seeems to be letting her back in now. Talk to him.

Crunchymum · 14/06/2023 17:21

Your use of OW is confusing. Are they known to have had an affair?

Sounds dodge in any event and if that is a C&P are they both illiterate?

HalloweenOnChristmas · 14/06/2023 17:23

If they are recent messages then I agree, try and keep the conversation going and see if she incriminates herself.

EmpressSoleil · 14/06/2023 17:26

A) Your DH felt it was coming close to affair territory and closed it down. But then the fact they're in contact again is worrying.
B) They had a one night stand/fling, your DH felt guilty and called it off. But again the resumption of contact is a concern.

I don't really see any other options. Either way, your DH is putting her feelings over yours. He might argue he's just trying to be a "friend" to her, but she shouldn't mean that much to him that he is the one that has to "be there" for her. His loyalty should be to you, not her.

Nordicrain · 14/06/2023 17:50

I think it sounds like your DH wanted more/ fancied her, and she wasn't interested. He then blocked her as he couldn't deal with just being friends.

Cocoalover · 14/06/2023 18:04

I'd monitor their conversations for a little while to see the nature of their relationship. It seems like something has happened, but it could be innocent to a degree. I met a friend whom I have become very close with. It was and is purely platonic, but I kept it from my partner because I was silly not to tell him from the start and time had gone on, and I was afraid of what he would think because I'd kept it quiet so long. Anyway, it is possible that they are just friends, maybe your dh felt bad for keeping it a secret and so he blocked her. Hopefully it's innocent

cartagenagina · 14/06/2023 18:18

I think it looks really very suspicious, sorry.

GoodChat · 14/06/2023 18:30

He fancies her at the very least and is keeping away so he doesn't cheat - maybe so he doesn't cheat again.

I don't see how that exchange can be completely innocent.

Jennna · 14/06/2023 18:52

you know why i cant handle you my head falls off

Yeah he could totally fuck off for this alone

Original poster

Hrcg87 · 14/06/2023 18:53

Thanks all, i think deep down i know theres something more to it than meets the eye.

I am pretty confident its not been full blown, he picks our DC up straight from work and rarely goes out.

I am going to monitor it and then speak to him when i have something more concrete rather than a strange exchange he can weasel out of.

OP posts:

Aubree17 · 14/06/2023 20:25

I think there's been something but I agree I don't think it's a full blown affair.

He's blocked her. That tells you whatever it was he's done with it.

I would ask him outright based on what you saw and see his reaction.

Original poster

Hrcg87 · 16/06/2023 18:30

Update/further advice:

I have now checked his phone/facebook etc all messages are deleted between them.

I can access these by doing a Meta download on his facebook..... would you do it?

I havent asked him about the messages, theres too much he could explain it as other than the truth which is what i want.

Thoughts please ?!

OP posts:

Sunnyfeelgood · 16/06/2023 18:37

Yes, personally I would have to know. The thing is, it is rare doe people to delete whole message threads if there is nothing incriminating in there. I have someone blocked on social media, but the messages are all still viewable as it makes no difference to me who reads them.. I might delete if I was so emotionally distraught that I couldn't bear to have a reminder, but why would he be that emotionally invested?

The losing head comment makes me think they did something once and then he regretted it and blocked her, but is still tempted, but ultimately doesn't want to blow family up.

Any which way you look at this, it does not look good. I am so sorry. Brace yourself for what you find

AelinAshriver · 16/06/2023 18:38

I can access these by doing a Meta download on his facebook..... would you do it?

Yes I would.

But only if DH wouldn't find out. I would want to investigate/gather evidence before he knew I knew. So that I couldn't be gaslit or he have a chance to make up excuses.

YoSof · 16/06/2023 19:09

I would absolutely download them all.

Something isn’t right and you need to know one way or the other.

Original poster

Hrcg87 · 17/06/2023 08:45

Update:

He has messaged her last night whilst put saying "i hope i havent upset you x"

He was out with my dad in another city, so not worried they have been together. He isnt friends on Facebook with her but has looked her up and used facebook messenger to do this. Message sent 1:30am, so not a normal time to send someone a message , she is yet to read or reply.....

i downloaded all the Meta data from Facebook, and there was no history between them this can happen for 3 reasons according to google:

They used the secret messages function
Both have deleted the conversation
It wasn't how they communicated - and above message is the first one on there.

Meta did show he had received messages in secret messages mode. So i am thinking that they may have used that function - in which case they cant be retrieved! As thinking back they were messaging at the time she worked with him, as she was having 'issues with her family'. I thought nothing of it as he is a really friendly guy, has 99% of offices personal numbers, office lads come round for football, or advice as he is a good listener and has experience some pretty bad things in life so he can relate to people.

I also spent the night snooping on Facebook and see he has been on 2 work nights out with her last year in which they were both tagged in pictures, (nothing incriminating, in fact they are not in any photos together). These are the only 2 work nights out where he got a taxi home (if i remember rightly ) as i usually pick him up as a taxi home is quite expensive as around 15 miles.

Shes about 15 years younger than me, 10 years younger than him and not dissimilar looking to how i looked when we first got together, so is his type. I on the other hand have let myself go over the 10 years we have been together, put on a lot of weight, stopped dying my hair, lower sex drive etc.

He has talked to me about how our sex drive misalignment makes him feel unwanted and rejected, i do try, but we have a mummys boy who constanly touches me and by the time comes im touched out, and knackered!

He is great at home, we've only been married for a few months, his idea to plan it in a short amount of time as he wanted me to be his wife.

Dont know what to do now, sorry for rambling on!

OP posts:

YoSof · 17/06/2023 08:51

Have you taken photos of the messages on the iPad? If not then do, using your phone and not the screenshot option as they may link to his phone.

I think something has happened - not necessarily physical but those are more than friendly texts, and the fact that he used hidden messages speaks volumes too. Keep an eye on the iPad for the next few days and then confront him when you’re ready. He owes you an explanation.

Sunnyfeelgood · 17/06/2023 08:59

I am so sorry OP. This must all feel really horrible and confusing.

I wonder if waiting to see what her reply is might be useful and then having a big old chat with him?

I have been through this myself. I had an inkling/gut feeling something was going on with exDH and his work colleague. Every time I brought it up he was so lovely and listened and reassured. I eventually broke and had a big old snoop and found nothing! Reassured myself that he hardly ever leaves house without me. But one day felt weird again so had an off chance check on facebook and one of his work colleagues (who knew me) had messaged him to say exDH should tell me as it was about to come out.

As soon as I saw that I confronted exDH and found out they used to sleep together at work on a break or on work nights out. In the end, a lot more came out about other women too. He was just so sneaky! He deleted every message as soon as they came in, had a secret phone etc etc. I was flabbergasted as he was such a lovely unassuming guy!

Anyway, just cos that happened to me, does not mean it is happening to you. But these are not normal messages between colleagues and you need to really trust your gut. Who on earth is he contacting in secret mode if not her?

Also remember, when someone cheats, it is not a reflection on you, it is a reflection on them. Think about some of the most beautiful women in the world, they still get cheated on.

Original poster

Hrcg87 · 17/06/2023 09:03

I have taken pictures.

My biggest worry is I'm going on a long planned and much needed break out of the country for 4 days next week with my best friend so he would have plenty of opportunity then to do whatever he wants but will have our DC with no alternative childcare. If he took DC with him or DC was at home and they did something i think i would actually kill him and involving him would be worse than cheating imo.

Theres been one occasion right at the beginning of our relationship where he got a bit flirty with a girl from work, calling her beautiful, but assured me it was nothing untoward now im doubting that.

OP posts:

LaMaG · 17/06/2023 09:03

I on the other hand have let myself go over the 10 years we have been together, put on a lot of weight, stopped dying my hair, lower sex drive etc.

no no no OP, pls don't think like this!! You have started to question yourself. He is your partner, you are mother of his child, of course things have changed between you. Show me any mother who hasnt put on a few lbs and seen a drop off in sex drive. Please wait til you know the truth and even if it is your worst fears it is not because of you, its him.

YoSof · 17/06/2023 09:10

I’m sorry to hear he has form for this. I don’t see how you can trust him.

None of this is your fault, get that out of your head right now - this is all on him.

Please go on holiday, take the time to talk things through with your friend. The iPad will tell you everything you need to know when you get back. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, he sounds like a scumbag and you deserve better x

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