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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my partners dad in the house when I move in?

46 replies

Shar2206 · 14/06/2023 09:14

Hi everyone,

myself and my DS are due to move in with my partner later this year, however he has his dad staying with him for an undefined amount of time (he is visiting from abroad). We have been planning this move for a year or so now and I’m worried about the dynamics of us moving in and trying to settle with a stranger (to us) in the house. My partners dad has other children that have space for him to stay and I feel that this would be the better option to allow for a smoother and less stressful transition for me and my DS. I don’t know whether to bring this up with my partner- am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/06/2023 11:54

I think you have a bit of a cheek tbh. It's his home and his dad. You can't dictate.

Think of what is best for your son and stay put.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 14/06/2023 11:56

Willyoujustbequiet · 14/06/2023 11:54

I think you have a bit of a cheek tbh. It's his home and his dad. You can't dictate.

Think of what is best for your son and stay put.

I did also think this. If my mum was staying with me for a bit and a partner told me they had to fuck off before they moved in, I'd probably be annoyed.

jannier · 14/06/2023 12:01

It's not going to work is it.

workemails · 14/06/2023 12:02

myself and my DS are due to move in with my partner later this year, however he has his dad staying with him for an undefined amount of time (he is visiting from abroad).

Later this year yet you expect him to still be there. Does he usually stay months? It feels a very long time for a visitor.

My partners dad has other children that have space for him to stay and I feel that this would be the better option to allow for a smoother and less stressful transition for me and my DS.

I wouldn't say this to anyone outloud. Its not up to you if its a better option for him to stay with another of his children. Maybe that's not an option for him. Or them. You cant control everyone else and what they do based on what you feel is a better option for you. I would stick to your own issues and say you would rather wait until he has moved out. Let BF decide what he feels is best for his family to do and what options are available to them.

Teadottie · 14/06/2023 12:05

If you can't discuss this with him then you aren't ready to move in together. I'd also hate this but would recognise that the reality is its home, you know his dad is there and possibly stays a lot- you need to make your decision based on this.

LookItsMeAgain · 14/06/2023 12:05

I only had to read the first post to come to the decision that you shouldn't move in with this man and his father.
It's the 'indeterminate length of time' that the dad is staying that is only part of the issue. That your 'partner' decided that their father could come and stay without once running it by you and instead taking it as a done deal is the bigger of the issues.
Don't move in.
If the relationship is strong, it will withstand you not moving in together.

MintJulia · 14/06/2023 12:12

Why would you move your child in to an environment of two unrelated men, one of whom you know nothing about.

Will they expect you to cook & clean & shop for all four of you?

How old is your ds? What if the father can't cope with the noise or mess of a child? Who will your partner ask to leave? You? After you have given up your own home? I wouldn't even consider moving into someone else's house. You have to be on equal footing and have equal say or you would be leaving yourself vulnerable.

NewPinkJacket · 14/06/2023 12:17

Summerfun54321 · 14/06/2023 10:03

The fact you are asking random people on the Internet rather than just having a quick conversation with your partner about this rings alarm bells. If you can't say to your partner straight up "how long is your dad staying, I don't want to live with him" is very worrying. It doesn't sound like you are ready to live together if you are hesitant about raising this.

100% this ^^

dickheed · 14/06/2023 12:32

Why are you moving in with him?
What's your own living situation?
Why can't you just stay in your own place and continue to be in a relationship with this man?
The Dad is there for an indeterminate length of time and no, you can't expect your partner basically to kick him out so you can move in.
So if the living situation with the dad there doesn't suit, don't move in.

Think very long and hard about it, before you end up as a carer for the dad, running around after both him and your partner.

Oldsilkscarves · 14/06/2023 12:37

Time to set a boundary op. Boundary setting btw is about what is acceptable to you and no one else.

Did your dp tell you about his dad moving in after it had happened op? Or did he consult? And was this before or after you’d agreed to move in? Or has the dad imposed this on his son?

^^ The answers to these qs will tell you a lot. Always look at people’s actions in addition to their words.

Perhaps a different way of dealing with this situation would be for your dp to have his Dad to stay in his house as long as he wants.

And for you to say to your partner “I understand about you wanting your dad living with you, but now circumstances have changed, I think it’s best for me and my child to rethink moving in with you” and mean it. Note that I said “rethink” and not “delay”.

I know this probably isn’t what you want but you have to set a clear line.

If he didn’t bother to consult with you then you are perfectly entitled to make unilateral decisions too.

Another alternative is to delay the move and get to know his dad and see how you and your dc get on before moving in, if you can contemplate doing that, over a longer period of time. If you form a serious relationship with someone, you are bound to encounter their family at some point.

Fair enough though if that is not what you had envisaged and you need to be clear that you have as many choices in this situation as your dp. It’s not all about him making the decisions.

drpet49 · 14/06/2023 12:39

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/06/2023 09:19

You can ask, but it's his choice as you're moving into his property. If he says no and you don't feel comfortable, delay the move until he's back home.

This. Don’t move in then OP.

Inkyblue123 · 14/06/2023 12:39

Don’t move. If you can’t discuss this with your partner why on earth are you moving in with him? What would happen in f his dad never left? Are you expected to do all of the cooking and cleaning? Are you being expected to care for his Dad - is he elderly? You are putting yourself and your child in a very vulnerable position. Ask your partner to
move in with you

endofagain · 14/06/2023 12:40

Don't move in with him. Keep your own space for you and your child.
This move sounds like a seriously bad idea.

StopStartStop · 14/06/2023 12:41

Don't move yourself and your son in with a 'partner', much less with his father.

caringcarer · 14/06/2023 12:50

Tell your dp you will wait until his Dad has moved out and stay put.

CalistoNoSolo · 14/06/2023 12:55

What everyone else has said. You would be insane to move your child into this situation for so many reasons.

OhBling · 14/06/2023 12:58

The bigger issue here is that you are moving in with a man but you don't seem to feel you have any control or any rights. It's you and your DS moving in with him and therefore doing whatever he wants.

The dad staying there is irrelevant. The point is that if you're going to move somewhere, you have to feel like it's going to be your home and it doesn't sound like you do. So don't move in and/or address exactly how this living together thing will work.

Thoughtful2355 · 14/06/2023 13:29

Soooo your expecting him to kick his dad out so his girlfriend and her child can move in? Just talk to him, see if its even something he would do first

gamerchick · 14/06/2023 13:31

You can't expect him to get rid of his dad man.

Stay where you are, there's no need to move kids in with men these days.

Equalitea · 14/06/2023 15:33

Delay moving in. However he may come and stay again for an undefined amount of time, so might just be best to bite the bullet if you still want to move in. I’d probably back out now though!

BeeCucumber · 14/06/2023 15:40

Don’t move in. You are being set up to be the cook, the housekeeper and the carer. Stay put.

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