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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my partners dad in the house when I move in?

46 replies

Shar2206 · 14/06/2023 09:14

Hi everyone,

myself and my DS are due to move in with my partner later this year, however he has his dad staying with him for an undefined amount of time (he is visiting from abroad). We have been planning this move for a year or so now and I’m worried about the dynamics of us moving in and trying to settle with a stranger (to us) in the house. My partners dad has other children that have space for him to stay and I feel that this would be the better option to allow for a smoother and less stressful transition for me and my DS. I don’t know whether to bring this up with my partner- am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 14/06/2023 09:17

Where do you live now. Is it a place where the lease is coming to an end?

AlisonDonut · 14/06/2023 09:18

It sounds as if his dad is likely to stay regularly so maybe stay where you are and keep control over your life?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/06/2023 09:19

You can ask, but it's his choice as you're moving into his property. If he says no and you don't feel comfortable, delay the move until he's back home.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 14/06/2023 09:30

Why are you moving into his home? If possible can he move into yours? It's much easier for a single man to move out if it doesn't work than you and your DS having to find somewhere.

Definately have a conversation with him, but you may have to factor in family visits in the future.

Yea2023 · 14/06/2023 09:34

I’d stay put.

YANBU to enquire as to what the situation would be and maybe state your preferences but the other siblings are not obliged to take dad, does your partner even want him to leave?

You can only control your behaviour…

Fiddlerdragon · 14/06/2023 09:36

You’ve not even moved in yet and you’re already faced with a potentially serious issue that could end up being a dealbreaker. Who knows when he will leave, and what happens if he wants to come back again? It’s your partners house so he gets the final say, and he’s already putting his father first. You need to put your child first and keep him in the stable home that you have now

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/06/2023 09:41

Don't move. Seriously.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 14/06/2023 09:41

If your current lease is coming to an end I think you just need to put up with the situation until his dad goes back. I suppose, however, that with dad being from abroad there may be cultural differences that may include for him not being comfortable with asking dad to move to another relative to this visit extending for months.

If you can stay where you are, stay there. This is not the right way to start your life together so give it a bit more time to ensure you start with the right conditions.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/06/2023 09:41

Just stay where you are, YANBU to not want to love with his dad but you can't really dictate that if you are moving into his house.

Rooroobear · 14/06/2023 09:42

Not sure why you’d want to live you and your child into this situation. It seems like, for now, his dad is staying. I think you should talk to him and wait to move in until his dad has moved.

Rooroobear · 14/06/2023 09:42

*move not live

CurlewKate · 14/06/2023 09:53

Not sure you can do this.....

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2023 09:54

I would be absolutely slamming on the brakes if I were you. This dad issue should be a deal breaker. You will be giving up all of your power if you move into this man's home, and you will be stuck with his dad as a roommate.

CurlewKate · 14/06/2023 09:59

"It’s your partners house so he gets the final say, and he’s already putting his father first."
Eh??

runninglady55 · 14/06/2023 10:01

If you can't have this conversation right now (it's a red flag that you feel you can't ask tbh!) What will change when you move in?

Why on earth would you uproot DC to move in with an unknown male's dad added into the mix? Moving in with your boyfriend is already complex above, his dad will just be even more problematic to navigate. How long is he staying? What room is he in, and will he actually move all his stuff out properly? Will he still be keeping a house key so you can't feel comfortable if you know he might pop up again? What about future visits, what will happen if he wants to stay again?

You'd be nuts to move DC into that mess.

Tell your boyfriend you can discuss joining up as a family when he's ready to commit to living together (and that means a home which is for all of you, not extra family members too).

NerrSnerr · 14/06/2023 10:02

Do you know your partner's dad? How old is your child? I'm not sure I'd be happy moving my child in with two unrelated adults.

If the dad is a stranger it makes me wonder how long you've been together.

Summerfun54321 · 14/06/2023 10:03

The fact you are asking random people on the Internet rather than just having a quick conversation with your partner about this rings alarm bells. If you can't say to your partner straight up "how long is your dad staying, I don't want to live with him" is very worrying. It doesn't sound like you are ready to live together if you are hesitant about raising this.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 14/06/2023 10:05

If you can't easily talk to your partner about a matter that so concerns you and affects your child... it is too early to move in together!

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/06/2023 10:26

You’re not unreasonable to not want him there, I wouldn’t either, but I suspect there’s fuck all you can do about it.

2bazookas · 14/06/2023 10:43

I don’t know whether to bring this up with my partner-

!!!!!

If you can't openly raise and discuss such a simple and obvious shared domestic issue with him, you shouldn't be moving in with him at all.

10HailMarys · 14/06/2023 11:28

I would absolutely not move in with someone whose parent, whom neither you nor your child really knows, is staying with them ‘for an unspecified amount of time’.

To be honest I wouldn’t move in with someone whose family were prone to staying for unspecified amounts of time at all.

The most worrying thing about your post though is that you haven’t just spoken to your partner about this. Why would you not have this conversation?!

villamariavintrapp · 14/06/2023 11:36

How long have you been together? How old is your son? How well does he know your partner if your partner's Dad, who he lives with, is a stranger to you both? If he comes and stays regularly what is going to happen next time? Don't you spend any time there now?

Codlingmoths · 14/06/2023 11:46

I’d stay where I was and say let me know when your dad is planning to leave and we can make plans for me to move in. You don’t want to live with his dad, so don’t.

FictionalCharacter · 14/06/2023 11:47

He’s there indefinitely, which could very well mean permanently, so you’re not moving in with your partner, you’re moving in with him and his dad. Terrible idea.
If you’re not careful you could end up “looking after” both of them and expected to be his dad’s carer in his old age.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 14/06/2023 11:49

Is there any chance he could move in with you instead of you and son going there? I can't see how it's easier the way you're doing it.

What happens if the dad wanted to visit again? Does he come often?

I'd stay where you are.