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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was unfair on DS7

64 replies

Silver35 · 13/06/2023 14:49

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but it's always good to check what others think!

DS7 stayed at his Dad's the weekend just gone. His birthday is tomorrow. His half brother's birthday was yesterday, and he was 5.

On the weekend he was at his Dad's, my ex and his partner threw a birthday party for his younger brother, with presents, food, birthday cake, some of his friends and all the extended family (on that side) went.

DS7 came home very upset because despite his birthday being only 3 days after his brother's, it wasn't acknowledged at all. No presents, birthday cake, no one there to see him.

He now won't be seeing his Dad for 3 weeks as he couldn't have him his regular weekend as he's going away.

Surely that's an awful thing to do, or am I just being overprotective here? Me and my ex don't get along so I'm hoping that isn't clouding my judgement!

OP posts:
purpleboy · 13/06/2023 16:47

Wow that is spectacularly cruel. Have you spoken to him?

Irridescantshimmmer · 13/06/2023 17:03

That is very unfair.

A child can interprate these callous actions to mean his dad does not love.

His dad needs to make more of an effort for him, at least before he's a teen as rejection issues can resurface.

Its really mean and shameful to be honest.

Cherrysoup · 13/06/2023 17:06

That’s really shit of your ex, but I guarantee it was the dm who organised the party Cher 5 year old. Still, really shit of her also, presumably she knew it was her stepson’s birthday?

Original poster
Silver35 · 13/06/2023 17:12

Yes all of exes family were there, and yes his step mum knew it was his birthday.

I have seen a video of them all singing happy birthday to his brother and him blowing out the candles on the cake, whilst my DS sits next to him looking miserable. It made me very upset.

I rarely talk to my ex as I tend to get abuse back for no reason, but I think I'm going to have to suck it up this time and message.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 13/06/2023 17:13

It’s abusive and cruel.

I knew one heartbroken women whose ex would make their two young sons sit watching his ‘new family’ open loads of presents on Christmas morning while they got nothing. The boys still loved their dad but were very confused and damaged by it. She could do nothing about it because it was court ordered contact and she didn’t want to be accused of ‘turning them against’ the dad.

These men must have no love or empathy to so openly overlook one child for another in such a cold and cruel way.

SandandSky · 13/06/2023 17:14

I would be so angry, OP!

If you are throwing a party for your son I don’t think they necessarily had to have a joint birthday, they could have made it clear that they are celebrating his brothers birthday with a party and you are having a party a different day for your DS…

but I think they should have at least acknowledged it with presents/a card maybe even the next day. The fact that he’s now not going to see his dad for three weeks without so much as a card for his birthday from your ex. that’s really cruel.

Clymene · 13/06/2023 17:15

How unspeakably cruel. I'm so sorry, that must be heartbreaking

Toxicityofourcity · 13/06/2023 17:16

So your boy's birthday is tomorrow... are you expecting his father to mark it in anyway?

He's an asshole btw, terrible thing to do a child, it seems even worse that they're so close in age as well.

whynotwhatknot · 13/06/2023 17:37

Not even a present? ffs that s cruel
yes do say something its so wrong and upsetting

Kiwano · 13/06/2023 17:54

I suspect it's a case of the 5 year old's mother arranging the party but deciding that it's not her job to do so for the 7 year old. Pretty mean of her, but really it was up to your ex to fill in the gap. Has he even left presents for him for tomorrow?

EvilElsa · 13/06/2023 18:03

I think I'd have to send a message. I wouldn't go in all guns blazing (even if I felt like it) but I'd probably ask if he would be free to talk on the phone as DS was upset. I think sometimes it's easier to speak rather than back and forward message. Say you wanted him to be aware of how hurt DS so he had the opportunity to sort things out with DS before his next visit. Perhaps they could have a day out just the two of them (and he could pretend it was the plan all along to DS). Do you feel able to speak to your ex or will he be difficult about it? I would hope he would welcome the feedback considering you are only trying to maintain their relationship and keep DS happy.

EvilElsa · 13/06/2023 18:06

Oh and to add, I hope your DS has a wonderful birthday with you! I'm sure he will.

Original poster
Silver35 · 13/06/2023 18:12

@Kiwano No he's not left any presents. I assume when DS sees him next in 3 weeks he will get them then!

I expect he will ask to FaceTime DS, but that will be it.

OP posts:
LillyoftheMountain · 13/06/2023 18:35

Absolutely disgusting. Your son deserves better. I hope you have a lovely day with him and make it very special.

InSpainTheRain · 13/06/2023 18:35

Omg that's horrible, you poor son. They should have celebrated both together (unless DS was to have a separate party with his Dad on his birthday). I have no idea how his Dad or Stepmum could do that - so sorry for your DS. I think you have to take it up with your ex.

Sewingdufus · 13/06/2023 18:44

That sounds awful. IIWY I would be very careful about contact dates around birthday time in future.

MNTourist · 14/06/2023 06:21

Is your boy having a party with you (I hope so)?
if not could you quickly arrange something for the weekend?

Will paternal grandparents etc who were at
the party come to visit your DS on his birthday?

BananaBlue · 14/06/2023 06:30

Kiwano · 13/06/2023 17:54

I suspect it's a case of the 5 year old's mother arranging the party but deciding that it's not her job to do so for the 7 year old. Pretty mean of her, but really it was up to your ex to fill in the gap. Has he even left presents for him for tomorrow?

Yep, I’m sure I’ve seen a thread like this in the past.

It’s dads job but it’s also cruel. Adults would be upset if a friendship group did this, let alone a small child.

OP I cannot imagine how your heart has broken for your child. Do you think ex will slowly extract himself from DC life? Because I wouldn’t want my child exposed to this messaging - it’s damaging.

What an absolute bastard. He doesn’t love this child.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 14/06/2023 06:36

Wow, that is cruel. What a shit father.

JudgeRudy · 14/06/2023 06:44

Silver35 · 13/06/2023 14:49

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but it's always good to check what others think!

DS7 stayed at his Dad's the weekend just gone. His birthday is tomorrow. His half brother's birthday was yesterday, and he was 5.

On the weekend he was at his Dad's, my ex and his partner threw a birthday party for his younger brother, with presents, food, birthday cake, some of his friends and all the extended family (on that side) went.

DS7 came home very upset because despite his birthday being only 3 days after his brother's, it wasn't acknowledged at all. No presents, birthday cake, no one there to see him.

He now won't be seeing his Dad for 3 weeks as he couldn't have him his regular weekend as he's going away.

Surely that's an awful thing to do, or am I just being overprotective here? Me and my ex don't get along so I'm hoping that isn't clouding my judgement!

I can understand your son being a bit disappointed but l don't necessarily think he's done anything wrong. To start with I'd bet that it's his wife who's organised the party for her child, not him. It's a day early.
Yes, the birthdays are close but I think it would be odd to hold a joint party if they don't live together.
Do you normally arrange a party for him? How would you have felt if this year step mum said we're doing his party? They'd likely need to get contact details from you for friends then would you be invited? Or it wouldn't really be a joint party, it would be his brothers party but he was there.
I'm going to assume his dad has a gift for him and will be in touch on the day.
BTW
Happy Birthday Son of Silver

ChokedOnHisPigeonPie · 14/06/2023 06:53

I highly suspect that it was the dad's partner that arranged all this for her child, not him. To be honest I don't think that is unreasonable. If she wants to arrange a party for her child she can, just like you can arrange one for your son.

However, your ex should have been checking whether your son was having a celebration and at least acknowledged that your son's birthday was also coming up.

I don't agree they needed a joint party. I'd have hated that as a kid just never getting to have my own birthday.

If you are doing some form of party / celebration and your ex knows that then I don't think it's as terrible, although I'd have expected ex to be there or at least get him his present before his birthday not 3 weeks after it.

ChokedOnHisPigeonPie · 14/06/2023 06:56

If it is the SM who arranged it all, there's no way I'd be told I was allowed to throw a party for my own child without also throwing one for DSS. I would assume OP is planning something for her son, so the SM should be allowed to do the same.

It's the dad who's unreasonable here if he's not arranged anything for his child or even got him a present to open on the day.

ChokedOnHisPigeonPie · 14/06/2023 06:56

I was *not allowed

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 14/06/2023 07:04

I don't think they did anything wrong as such in the 5yo's birthday. It isn't fair on siblings with close birthdays to have the birthdays lumped together. The 5yo should be able to have a party without the 7yo's birthday being featured, and visa versa. The issue for me is that your 7yo won't be acknowledged by his father on his birthday. I'm guessing you will have a party for him for his birthday, but they should have done something separately for him.

Itsbeennice · 14/06/2023 07:06

ChokedOnHisPigeonPie · 14/06/2023 06:56

If it is the SM who arranged it all, there's no way I'd be told I was allowed to throw a party for my own child without also throwing one for DSS. I would assume OP is planning something for her son, so the SM should be allowed to do the same.

It's the dad who's unreasonable here if he's not arranged anything for his child or even got him a present to open on the day.

This.
Tend to your own fire, surely?
And being noticeably upset about it yourself could lead to a sense of entitlement in your DS, and the feeling that he is owed attention - just give it to him in the form of a lovely party for himself, which I am sure (hope, given your concern) you have thrown?