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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go all in on Father's Day

28 replies

howtocope · 13/06/2023 10:55

H and I have been living apart since January. We're not legally separated. I thought that having our own space might actually help us reconnect after a few shitty years. H told me in lockdown that he didn't have feelings for me anymore. I thought maybe it was just a reaction to the stressful situation of the pandemic (we've been married 30 years). It seems it was genuine as he's made no effort to spend time with me since we got our own flats. At this point, I'm just waiting for him to file for divorce. I'm not doing it myself only because I think he should take the initiative and I don't want to be pushed into being the bad guy.

So, that's the background. We have a DS (20) and a DD (17). H has made an effort to see and spend time with them, which has been a benefit of us living apart. At least at first. H has no mates and he's been putting a lot of pressure on the DCs to spend time with him. DS has a job and a relationship, so DD has received the most pressure. We've talked about setting boundaries, but it's definitely a strain on her. H texts and rings her often.

I asked H if there was anything he wanted to do for Father's Day. He sent me a list of gift ideas and said he'd like for all of us to go SUP boarding on the coast and then lunch. Sounds nice in theory but DD and I have no interest in watersports at all. DS agreed to it. I decided that I would sit on the beach with a book while they swam. DD started feeling stressed and anxious about the day. She said it was too much to ask and it was just pretending everything was OK when it wasn't. (I do agree with that.) It is a very out of character thing for our family to do. We're generally pretty low key. On beach holidays, H might kayak or something but the kids and I usually wouldn't.

So this morning I rang H and said that DD wouldn't come to the beach but we could all do breakfast together or something like that. He was immediately pissy saying that it shouldn't be too much to ask, especially on Father's Day and said to just cancel the whole day out.

My questions is, should I be making DD go along with it? Should I be putting H's feelings first on Father's Day? Or is he in the wrong for expecting us to pretend like everything is OK?

OP posts:

TeaKitten · 13/06/2023 10:58

Of course you shouldn’t be making her go along with it. You shouldn’t have asked him about Father’s Day in the first place though, your kids are not kids they can sort it themselves if they want. The pair of you expecting them to participate in normal family things now that you are separated is unfair. The DC are more than old enough to sort things themselves if they want to do anything for mothers/Father’s Day.

Sissynova · 13/06/2023 11:03

My questions is, should I be making DD go along with it? Should I be putting H's feelings first on Father's Day? Or is he in the wrong for expecting us to pretend like everything is OK?

Is it pretending everything is okay though? I don't particularly see how it is. Plenty of separated couples maintain a close friendship for the sake of co parenting their children and often both attend celebrations etc.
It is worse for separated parents to refuse to ever be in the same room.
I've seen so many horrible family dynamics being played out as people plan engagements, weddings, babies etc and the joy is always overshadowed by having to tip toe around bitter exs.

Having said that she's 17, not 7 so ultimately it is her choice whether she wants to spend the day with him or not.

Snugglemonkey · 13/06/2023 11:03

It is entirely up to the child how much they want to engage with him, whether that is father's day or any day. What did he do for mother's day?

It might be useful to have a conversation about boundaries and expectations. You are no longer living as a family, so what does this new set up look like to each of you? He can't have his cake and eat it.

CaloundraBlues · 13/06/2023 11:03

Agree with the above, they are old enough to sort this with their dad, there is absolutely no need for you to be there too

TUCKINGFYP0 · 13/06/2023 11:05

I understand that you are well intentioned. But you need to accept that you marriage is over. Your children are old enough to understand that . So they think it’s odd and uncomfortable that you seem to want to play happy families on Father’s Day. Your DD has told you this directly.

I know it’s hard but you need to let this go. You should not have contacted your husband about Father’s Day , it’s up to him to do something with the kids if he wants to .

The fact that he chose something that neither of his kids would enjoy shows how insensitive or perhaps how selfish he is. Or that he deliberately chose something that wouldn’t work for everyone.

He has said to cancel it so just agree with him “ Yes I think that’s for the best “.

You need to step right back and let your adult kids work out their own relationships with their father.

And you need to see a solicitor to find out where you stand in the divorce. I trust you are receiving child support for your DD ( I’m assuming she lives with you more than 50% of the time and is still at school / college ).

Silvergoldandglitter · 13/06/2023 11:05

Why are you getting involved with this?

Lcb123 · 13/06/2023 11:06

I'm baffled why you are doing anything related to fathers day, regardless of you being together or not. Your kids are adults they can organise whatever, if anything, they want to do. I've only heard of the other parents organising presents etc when the kids are little.

Summerishereagain · 13/06/2023 11:07

You’re kids are adults. I wouldn’t have contacted H about this at all. I would have said to your kids it’s father day coming up soon you may want to organise something or buy a card.

You seem confused about if your H is an ex or not.

Shoxfordian · 13/06/2023 11:07

Why did you even ask about Father’s Day? The only father you need to worry about is your own; your kids can do or not do something for him if they want. File for divorce op, life’s too short

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 11:08

you meant well, OP but you shouldn't have asked him what he wanted to do.

it is fine and dandy if DS wants to go to the beach with him. DD can do as much or as little she wants. That could be, as i would in her shoes, sending him a card and maybe phoning him in the evening.

Teach her that she doesn't have to be super involved in his life, or anyone else who causes her stress and anxiety. This is a lesson she needs to learn.

And for you? just apply for a no-fault divorce (that's a thing now, right?) and put an end to contact with your DH. Your DCs are old enough to do that for themselves (and you can help DD with that until she's confident)

DrMarciaFieldstone · 13/06/2023 11:09

Agree with PP, not sure why you’re involved in this at all, tbh.

DogDream · 13/06/2023 11:09

The new normal is that you’re not involved in these things anymore. Your kids are old enough. Be there to listen and support them regarding him but otherwise take a massive step back. His happiness is not your responsibility.

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 13/06/2023 11:11

I don't know why you're part of this. If they don't bother doing anything it's on them and him for not sorting something between themselves.

Wyndam · 13/06/2023 11:16

Why are you initiating anything to do with father's day? Your grown up children can organise themselves to 'celebrate' father's day.

Wicksytricksy · 13/06/2023 11:16

Your kids are 20 and 17. It's up to them to make the effort, not you.

I think their lack of enthusiasm probably tells you all you need to know. Crack on with the divorce, it's not being the bad guy, it's taking control.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 13/06/2023 11:18

Perhaps DD referring to the day as ‘pretending everything was OK when it wasn't’ is partly due to the half life you seem to be living and being involved

Original poster

howtocope · 13/06/2023 11:20

Summerishereagain · 13/06/2023 11:07

You’re kids are adults. I wouldn’t have contacted H about this at all. I would have said to your kids it’s father day coming up soon you may want to organise something or buy a card.

You seem confused about if your H is an ex or not.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I don't really understand what's happening with our relationship. When we talked about living apart I thought we'd see each other and spend time together, but H has made no effort to do so. I tried more in the first few months and he would do things if one or more if the children were involved, but I realised how one sided it was and stopped trying.

It is a VERY confusing situation as he still talks about things like a family holiday in August (which hasn't been booked because I'm not booking it and I always did those things in the past). He's also still paying for everything. I've applied for lots of jobs but, with a 20 year gap in my CV, I haven't even been offered an interview. I've retrained for a new career and it's started well, but it's creative and will take time to build up into a proper income. Still applying for other jobs too.

We're in a weird limbo. Things are friendly and we've had family meals all together (always at my instigation and usually at my place). We're not at each other's throats. It's just odd.

I take your point about the kids being adults. We've just usually been involved and used it as an opportunity to thank each other. H bought me some nice gifts for Mother's Day. I don't think we went out for a meal or anything though. DD and I had just moved into the flat and I was knackered and DS was away.

I have DD all the time. H chose to live in a one bed flat. He didn't even get a sofa bed when he bought a new sofa, so the DC never stay at his.

OP posts:

warblingwater · 13/06/2023 11:22

In the interest of balance, what happened on Mother's Day?

(Also adding to the chorus of the fact the Dc are old enough to sort fathers and mothers days on their own)

I don't think an amicable day out for Father's Day is inherently a bad idea tbh and without knowing a bit more background I don't see why "DD your dad wants to do this for Father's Day, I know we are separated but it's amicable so there's no reason we can't go and spectate him and your brother doing an activity they want for his day..." is unreasonable

DorritLittle · 13/06/2023 11:27

I think it was nice of you to suggest doing something on Father’s Day. You have clearly made an effort for your family.

But, this limbo is not good for you so it’s time to be selfish. H is making no effort nor is he breaking up with you per se. The situation seems to suit him well as he can make no effort but still feel he is a family man. If he has thrown a strop about you revising plans for Father’s Day based on your daughter’s needs that really says a lot about the dynamic IMO. I would go ahead and calmly cancel and tell your H he can book SUP with your son if he wants but that as you can’t seem to win despite your best efforts you are not getting involved anymore.

Book a SUP lesson for DS and his friends so he can still look forward to it.

DorritLittle · 13/06/2023 11:30

Ps I don’t think a family holiday will be good for you or, it sounds like, your DD. A divorce would allow you to build your own life and finances without this feeling of limbo that you are in. Which could go on for a long time as it stands.

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 11:32

We're in a weird limbo. Things are friendly and we've had family meals all together (always at my instigation and usually at my place). We're not at each other's throats. It's just odd.

OP you are doing all the running and he has a comfortable life. This should be telling you something.

H chose to live in a one bed flat. He didn't even get a sofa bed when he bought a new sofa, so the DC never stay at his.

and this is telling you and your DCs something. Why aren't you listening?

Codlingmoths · 13/06/2023 11:35

You say you’re right, I’ve cancelled it. And get him a nice present since he got you one for Mother’s Day but leave the dc to do their own thing at that age and wiht the circumstances.

Original poster

howtocope · 13/06/2023 11:38

DorritLittle · 13/06/2023 11:30

I've said that I won't be able to go away in August as I have a big deadline (which is true). DD has the option to stay home, but if her brother and his partner go, I suspect she'll be happy to go too.

I have definitely been circling around the idea of divorce. I've spoken to solicitors, looked at the finances, etc. I just deeply resent taking on the responsibility of it when it's H who is instigating it. A lot of the issues started when I began training for this new career and expected H to help with the emotional and domestic load of family life. He refused. I carried it all from the moment the children were born, and was happy to do it. I don't want to carry it all anymore, but H remains completely passive. I'm sure divorcing will fall to me eventually, but right now I want to concentrate on getting DD through to uni and building up a career for myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

howtocope · 13/06/2023 11:44

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 11:32

We're in a weird limbo. Things are friendly and we've had family meals all together (always at my instigation and usually at my place). We're not at each other's throats. It's just odd.

OP you are doing all the running and he has a comfortable life. This should be telling you something.

H chose to live in a one bed flat. He didn't even get a sofa bed when he bought a new sofa, so the DC never stay at his.

and this is telling you and your DCs something. Why aren't you listening?

To be fair, my life is pretty comfortable. I have a nice flat. I have my DD (DS has his own place), my dogs, and I'm building a career doing something I love. I'm still doing all of the care and organising of family life, but DH is still paying for everything. I often feel sorry for him. He doesn't have mates. He's chosen to live in a pokey flat. Initially, he was going to buy a bigger flat (the money for it is still sitting in the bank account) but he chose to live in one of our rental properties. I sometimes wonder if the small flat helps to make him feel more like a victim in this situation. It's all very confusing.

OP posts:

Brefugee · 13/06/2023 11:55

so you have to choose - let him continue to pay for it while you work out a plan of how you will cover it all when he pulls the plug.

But stop doing all the running (unless you think that's the only reason he's still paying for everything).

We're all different, but I'd want to strike out on my onw.

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