Messed up DP's birthday - AIBU to cancel plans?

[bedlady]

DP has a significant birthday coming up. I asked him outright what he’d liked to do, and we are doing that for his actual birthday. So far so good.

BUT as it is a significant birthday the following day I have invited his family up for a surprise lunch (mum, dad, siblings). It’s a 3 hour drive for them all to come up to us.

Thought DP would like that, as it’s small special meal i.e. not all his/our friends too.

The problem is DP (who doesn’t know anything about this surprise dinner plan) has separately said he would HATE something like that, and has specified “please no surprises, even with my family etc. etc.”

Why oh why did I not think to run the hypothetical past him before setting this all up I do not know 🤦🏼‍♀️

AIBU to cancel the surprise lunch (how can I do this without offending his whole family)?

Or will it actually all be ok?

Tell him it’s organised so it’s no longer a surprise and he can look forward to celebrating with his family.

Just tell him they're coming. Then it's not a surprise.

TBH I think he'll be pissed off.

How much notice will you be able to give them if you cancelled? Has anyone paid out for overnight accommodation or any other outlay?

Just tell family you accidentally messed up because he has just told you he is seeing/ doing so and so on that day with so and so

Tell them that he already has plans that you were unaware of, so he's no longer available, apologies.

It's not like they'll be losing any money or anything? Have they booked hotels or trains?

Nothing has been booked by anyone, yet. And I won't lose anything on my restaurant booking.

It's not until end of summer so I think adequate notice for everyone too.

Well, just cancel. That's plenty of notice snd is nobody losing money
I'd tell them sooner rather thsn later.

But surely he's going to find out from one of them at some point that you'd made plans and then cancelled? Specially if you're thinking of lying to them as to the reason why as pp has suggested?

I would hate a surprise too, but a planned meal with family is usually nice ( unless they are awful, which presumably they are not). Just tell him.

Just tell them that he’s asked to go to a specific concert/hotel/football game on that day

Ask him if he would like to have a family lunch the next day and if he would, offer to arrange it. NBD.

Yes, or you can even say that his family are wondering if anything is happening and that maybe you can all have lunch on the Sunday.

Tell him you’re organising his family to come up as they were asking about plans. It’s not a surprise and everyone’s happy (I hope!)

Just say ‘do you fancy a lunch with family on the Sunday?’. If he says no, cancel it. If he says yes, firm up the plans.

It's a long way off. Tell him what you've organised so that it isn't a surprise, apologise but you thought he'd like it, and tell him there's still time to cancel it all if he doesn't want it to happen. Given notice he might be OK with it.

Does he generally not like surprises, or being in larger groups even if they are family?

I've just had this, for my 40th, two little surprise gatherings that I absolutely loathed.

I'm not a people person, and need warning when I'm going to be socialising, so finishing work and then being bombarded with people on my birthday was really not on my wishlist. I'd told my partner that that I wanted a nice quiet birthday, takeaway and a film with our daughter, as we had a lot going on surrounding it. I tried my best to hide my feelings when these gatherings happened, but the second one in particular I was completely blindsided and people noticed I wasn't best pleased.

You know now @bedlady that your husband doesn't want this, and you've got an easy way to cancel it. Just tell everyone you've invited that because it was a surprise and your partner didn't know, he's gone and arranged something different, say you'll see them all another time, when there's not as much going on.

Cancel it OP.

As lovely as the thought is, it's a big birthday and you have to respect his wishes.

Invite them up another time, maybe the week after and plan it with your DP.

Just say ‘your family have asked to see you; they want to come on the Sunday’ and if he says no thanks, let them know. Ditch any element of surprise.

Well, I sympathise with him. Adult birthdays are not "a thing". I hate surprises. And the thought of having my relatives rock up for lunch would have me fleeing for the hills.
So much fuss & so unnecessary! Please cancel and, in future, really listen to him when he says what he wants.

Do people on here just never speak to their partners? How could anyone on here possibly know the answer? Just ask them.

Just tell him and see if he’s up for it. He might say yes if everyone has accepted.

If he says no, just tell everyone DH wanted to do something else and you didn’t have the heart to stop him so hope they won’t mind you cancelling as DH doesn’t know about the meal.

Er, it’s a surprise, it wouldn’t be a surprise if she told him.

But now she knows he doesn’t like them she can change it.

And then he says no, he won't be doing that, regardless of whether they are there or not. What does OP do then?

I'd certainly bail immediately if any surprise was thrown my way.

Think most people would hate it. Such a controlling thing to do. Either cancel or tell him and never do it again.

God I would HATE that, I would KILL my husband if he did it. Cancel!