To ask friends DD3 to say please??

[MooMa83]

Interested in the consensus here and whether I overstepped today. My friends parenting style is on the 'free' side and I have noticed that DD3 barks the orders and is not prompted to say please or thank you. Today she ordered me to pass her something and I automatically said 'please?', to which she responded 'please'. I didn't really think, and friend didn't say anything, but is this OK to do?? In the future should I follow their lead and not do this? It doesn't sit well with me being ordered around by a 3 year old! But perhaps I should be more respectful of how they are choosing to parent their child?

That's what the 'it takes a village' means. You're teaching social norms where the mother isn't.

You were absolutely right.

And if she hadn't said "please," she would have been waiting for whatever it was she wanted passing to her!

I don’t think you should. Basically, you don’t know the child, the mother is right there and you are going to make no positive difference and could end up antagonising.

I remember my shy, shy DS saying please and thank you quietly under his breath while deaf or distracted people did their ‘what’s the magic word?’ At him. Frankly, I thought they were dicks.

The ‘takes a village’ people are wrong. There is so much shot parenting out there. Do not presume you know best.

If its definitely a "won't" rather than a "can't" press on with modelling good manners when you are with her.

However... some people tried that with my DD with speech delay and selective mutism... it would result in her not saying anything to them for the rest of the day. She honestly didn't mean to be rude, its just one or two words was all she could manage. Fortunately most people were used to her and understood her (plus her little sister talked for her!)

I wouldn't pass a child something unless they said please clearly. Shyness is not an excuse. If they can express their request audibly they can say please/thank you audibly.

I've done this with a friends daughter too. Demanded a drink without a please, so I just reminded her that not saying please and thank you won't get her what she wants. I told her Mum later on and she was absolutely fine with it. But then I cannot abide bad manners!

This is one of those where it doesn't actually matter what we think. It only matters what your friend thinks. People have very particular ideas sometimes like the child mustn't be told "no" or must never be asked to "perform".

I wouldn’t correct in general conversation, but I agree with you that ‘I want’ from a three year old wouldn’t prompt action from me. Assuming you know them well enough to rule out the real issues PPs mention.

Assuming the parents aren’t totally shit, or they go to nursery, three year olds know what they’re meant to say (I have one so I see a lot). I find a raised eyebrow and a pause tends to prompt a please.

What you did is totally normal and the correct thing to do

I think it's fine to prompt them to say 'please' but I absolutely wouldn't be refusing to pass something or making a big deal of it with a three year old. They're still so little and learning language at that age.

I always prompted and modelled good manners when they were little. But I only insisted on it when they were older.

So yeah I'd have been fine with you prompting my child, absolutely.

We have friends whose ds never ever says please or thank you (he's 7 now), if he's at our house or if he's speaking to me or dh we always correct his bad manners.

Quite often I prompt adults to say please or thank you. I can't stand rudeness.

I helped out at my friend's kid's birthday party once. Class of 30 kids there. Only my friend's kid and maybe 2 or 3 more ever said please or thank you (I was manning the drinks table!). They just wandered over and said "Orange" or "Water". I didn't say anything then as I didn't know any of the children, but even my friend commented afterwards about how rude they were.

If a child I know is addressing me and doesn't say please or thank you I'd do the same as you OP, especially if it's in your own home - it's very easy then to say "in this house we say please and thank you for things".

I just don't understand it. Really where is there any harm in teaching children to be polite?!

😂I'm the master of the PA "Oh, thanks ever so much!" when someone lets a door go in your face! It will get me in to trouble one day...!

I have no objections at all with friends correcting my children’s manners or pulling them up when needed. Takes a village to raise a child.

I wouldn’t do it, but I would always model please and thank you and prompt my own children in front of others if they forgot. But I wouldn’t do that to a friends child.

As a mum whose child sometimes forgets to say please I'm always grateful when someone else prompts him.

Funnily enough I had a similar experience with my 7 year old's party recently and I did prompt the children to say please, but this felt OK as the parent weren't there and I would absolutely want someone to prompt my DC if she forgot to be polite and I wasn't there to pull her up. I think there was something about the friend just sitting there that didn't feel quite right. I think if it happens again I may just check with her...'is that OK to remind her to say please'?

I do this...and mutter 'you're welcome!' to drivers who don't wave thank you when I let them through, even though they can't hear me!

Similarly helping out in our tennis/hockey club shops during tournaments, as a volunteer, having orders barked at me.

Screw that.

I loudly said the shop was closed to anyone who didn't know the words please and thank you and I couldn't care less about the parents standing around that heard me.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate it and neither would the other women helping out.

In my home it was ALWAYS a case of " in this house we say please and thank you" on the rare occasion I had to point it out to visitors, and the children reacted very well to it.

I don't care whose child it is, no one is barking orders at me!

My children have always had beautiful manners, often remarked upon.

We never had to teach them as such, just by using please and thank to them from their earliest stage, knocking on their door from an early age, meant it was all they ever knew by example.

Excellent manners are a life skill IMO and make life that bit easier to navigate when you have them.

The ‘takes a village’ people are wrong. There is so much shot parenting out there. Do not presume you know best.

........but we should presume that you know best ???

If someone demands something from me without a please, then they won't get it. Basic manners. I don't care if they are a child or an adult. If you want someone to help you, then you ask them nicely.
We would be doing a disservice to any child if we didn't help them understand that / learn it whilst they were young.

Actually if she's a 3 year old I think you're expecting too much of her and I do think you're overstepping.

I would be very surprised if a 3 year old didn’t know that please and thank you is what is expected . My three year old granddaughter also says excuse me if she wants to interrupt…she learnt that at nursery.

This is a really tricky one to be honest. without knowing your whole friendship setup. I agree dc should use please and thankyou and they won't learn if they aren't shown or reminded, especially when little. so many friends of my dc don't ever use please or thankyou and I just think they are really rude. But I rarely correct them. Just make sure my own have manners and hope they say please and thankyou when i'm not around!

As he isn't your child, it isn't really your place to be teaching him it, especially when his mother is sat right there. The only parents I know of who don't give a toss if someone corrects their dc manners like this are the ones who enforce it themselves. If they don't, you may end up offending your friend as it is essentially correcting her parenting, if you see what I mean.
Like I say, tricky one!

Maybe encourage it and make sure he uses manners when he is with you and without his parents. But to do this in front of his mum, I think is not the best thing to do in terms of your friendship, unless she has said to you she is trying to get him to remember his pleases etc, so no issue with you reminding him if he forgets sometimes.

If I had my way, I'd remind all the friends of my dc who never say please and thankyou! But I can't do that, because I'd just look like a dick and have no friends!