To ask friends DD3 to say please??

[MooMa83]

Interested in the consensus here and whether I overstepped today. My friends parenting style is on the 'free' side and I have noticed that DD3 barks the orders and is not prompted to say please or thank you. Today she ordered me to pass her something and I automatically said 'please?', to which she responded 'please'. I didn't really think, and friend didn't say anything, but is this OK to do?? In the future should I follow their lead and not do this? It doesn't sit well with me being ordered around by a 3 year old! But perhaps I should be more respectful of how they are choosing to parent their child?

You are absolutely right. Please, thank you and excuse me are non negotiable.

This isn’t true for children with situational mutism. Please and thank you can be the hardest, most anxiety provoking words according to dd’s specialist SALT

I wouldn’t prompt someone else’s child. There’s more than one way to encourage good manners. Some parents are choosing to model it rather than humiliate, which prompting can be.

I personally did prompt my children, but there are valid reasons not to and it is up to the parent. I’d be annoyed at another adult correcting my child.

@FatGirlSwim But this child doesn't have any kind of mutism - she's barking orders at the OP. That's a very different situation.

Children who are shy or struggle to talk usually blush and wriggle and struggle to meet your eyes when they ask for something - I wouldn't do anything to make them feel uncomfortable, but if a child barked an order at me I'd certainly remind them what to say.

You also don’t know how the child will react. One child might be able to cope with that correction from an unrelated adult, another might have their confidence damaged by it. I think mine would feel upset and reluctant to ask in future. It would have taken them some courage to ask another adult for something.

You did the right thing. Anyone who wants something from me has to ask nicely.

We don’t know whether the child does or not.

I’m not saying they do… but I’m pointing out that being able to ask for something doesn’t mean that a child can say please and thank you. Children can have a low profile selective mutism and be able to say some things but not others.

You've actually changed my mind on this. Thanks for posting. It always pays to be more understanding than we might assume necessary. There are other ways to model and teach manners and sensitivity than reprimanding like an Enid Blyton school ma'am 😄

I have no idea about this particular child. None of us can. But neurodivergent children can be misinterpreted as ‘barking’ etc when they don’t have the tone of voice / intonation/ reciprocity that NT people expect. But they may actually be anxious about asking.

Personally I’d prefer to give the benefit of the doubt.

But OP isn't deaf it distracted. The child issued an order directly, op said please and she copied immediately. No one was ignoring the kid.

DD has selective mutism and stress makes it much worse. She knows to do her pleases and thank yous, and if she forgets I prompt her. If someone else prompted her however, she'd feel like she'd lock down and start to spiral into beating herself up for getting it wrong.

I bear her in mind when I correct other kids, plus most of our friends are neurodiverse. Usually I smile and ask "was there a silent please on the end of that?" in a friendly way, so it's not too much for anyone.

Works well, and no other parent has complained, even the ones with "spirited" kids. I hate, hate, hate bad manners.

A child who barks orders at adults is not anxious in any way. All these poor excuses for terrible behaviour.
I work in a shop and had a customer who every day would shop and the only word he said was "bag" eventually I started saying "please" before giving him it. We now have proper conversations.

I had the same situation with my nephew when he was 3. He just looked at me blankly when I did the 'please' prompt - and my vile SIL said, "oh, we were concerned that he might be slightly behind with his speech, so we aren't bothering teaching him 'unnecessary' words"

To be clear, his speech was fine and there was actually no speech delay. And how are please and thank you not a necessity in society? Some parents do their kids no favours...

My son is 3.5 and we always remind him to say please and thank you. He usually has better manners with other people than with us, but I guess that's typical boundary pushing/feeling more comfortable at home and forgetting.

This isn’t true for children with situational mutism. Please and thank you can be the hardest, most anxiety provoking words according to dd’s specialist SALT

But this isn't the case. It's a normal and demanding 3 yr old. There's no reason not to gently remind her to say please and thank you. It will be drilled into her at school anyway.

Random child in the street, no I wouldn’t you don’t know what delays or neurodivergence they may have. Your friends child, as I would assume being friends you would be aware of any difficulties and make allowances for that, absolutely fair enough.

I correct DD2s boyfriend all the time when it come to manners. No one’s cares, but people tend to be less precious about 15 year olds than they are about 3 year olds and your far less likely to upset the parent.

Totally did the right thing.

I'm a Teacher & the amount of 10/11 yr olds that I have to remind to say please & thank you, on a DAILY basis, is utterly shocking!! Some of them look at me with either confusion or derision. Drives me INSANE. I never let it go. Ever. Manners need instilling from as early as possible!

Thank you for this...on reflection I agree with you. I think it was my friend sat right there which has made me question whether I was right. It just came out so automatically as I always prompt my own children if needed. It's very grating though, but I don't see how I can correct with mum/dad there as it does feel like I'm criticising them. Tricky one!

And just for the record there are no language delays and she is NT. She's a lovely, sweet and confident thing...proper threenager at the moment! It just grates on me how much she barks her orders at people, and mum/dad don't say anything!