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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband’s FOMO

49 replies

Brush17 · 12/06/2023 04:21

My DH works shifts in an airport, including nights. I also have FT job (normal 9-5).

my issue is that he seems to pursue his own life outside work at all costs (both financially and metaphorically). Right now he’s been at a stag do for 6 days, and before that went out three nights in ten days - and worked four others.

If an opportunity to go out comes up, he will bend heaven and earth to go. He has the most severe FOMO of anyone I’ve ever met. If he’s due to be working and someone arranges an event he will book leave, swap shifts, work overtime to get time back: you name it, he’ll do it. It can - genuinely - take him hours of logistics work to arrange things so that he is off work for a social event. If he has to miss out (very rare) he sulks.

I meanwhile have to stay at home with the kids and basically end up using this time alone to do all the housework. I don’t enjoy TV so I tend to just keep myself busy.

Since having children I feel like I have very few friends. In fact, I have two friends of the sort I would call to ask for a drink, but one is a single mum (so can’t go out herself easily) and one lives 2 hours away so I’ve not been able to see her in person for several months. DH’s shift work means I’m rarely able to go to events with school mums so, although they’re nice, I haven’t been able to make proper friendships with them. I’ve tried joining a book club but I couldn’t attend on a regular day each month because of his shifts being so unpredictable, so I missed too many and lost my place. He would never stop me going out, or complain, but I don’t really get the opportunity.

I - honestly - want him to have his own life. I don’t want us to live in each other’s pockets. But I’m really lonely, bored, and resentful that he has so much fun and I don’t. I suppose i feel sad that he doesn’t have fun with me anymore.

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 12/06/2023 04:37

YANBU it sounds very unfair.

Could you book in your nights / days out a month or so in advance and ask him to rearrange his shifts for you? He can apparently manage it for his own social life so it's fair he should do it for you.

SnapPop · 12/06/2023 05:08

YANBU - I would be hurt by this. He needs to make an effort to spend time with you too even if you don't go out (due to babysitting etc) and have date night at home.

Could you join an online book club?

ohfook · 12/06/2023 06:15

My husband is like this. One of the reasons I fell in love with him in the first place was because of how much of a laugh he was on a night out, but now we have kids it's exhausting and frustrating.

I'm not sure if your dh is the same, but mine has a reason for everything- well I can hardly miss my best friends birthday weekend can I? Well he is my cousin, it's not like I can miss his stag do etc etc.

whatchagonnado · 12/06/2023 06:26

There needs to be more of a balance and you need to be assertive to ask him to look after the kids while you get some time to build your friendships. Is there a hobby that would work for you? Gym, evening class, rock choir, get that book club in place, arrange to have a weekend with your friend 2hours away, etc.
You can then build from there.
It sounds like he looks at the calendar, sees free time and his default is to fill the time with events for himself.

My DH can be like this, but I have a big family calendar on the wall in the kitchen- I insist everything has to go on it so he doesn't miss my stuff, his responsibilities with the kids, family etc. If he wants to do something and we've already arranged to visit MIL on that day (for example), it's a no - juggling is hard enough as it is. There are exceptions of course, but I get arsey if he's constantly moving stuff around

GoodChat · 12/06/2023 06:29

If he can swap shifts so he can do what he wants when he wants, he can swap shifts so that you can, too!

themidimit · 12/06/2023 06:31

I think you need to find a hobby so that you get time out and time for yourself.

Original poster
Brush17 · 12/06/2023 06:33

Yes it’s exactly this. His work mates are mostly younger and without families, so I suppose he doesn’t want to be the boring older guy. Mind you, I think I prefer this in many ways to my colleagues - a married couple who work together and never do anything separately. That would drive me insane!

OP posts:
Original poster
Brush17 · 12/06/2023 06:37

Sorry I probably should have said. I do have some hobbies but they’re solo hobbies which I do from home (maybe because they fitted in with the kids, or maybe I’m just unsociable haha). I really need friends and I suppose the crux of it is that I don’t know how to make them. His shifts are so irregular (he gets his shifts three weeks ahead and it can be any days) that any kind of weekly club is off the table.

the calendar definitely works - we do this too - I just don’t have anything to fill it with. I’m starting to think, reading everyone’s replies, that maybe I need to be a bit more assertive in going out there and finding myself friends rather than bitching about him 😂

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 12/06/2023 06:50

You should have equal leisure time off to him.
You can do whatever you want with it, gym, coffee, shop. Doesn’t have to be getting shitfaced on family money.

Itsanotherhreatday · 12/06/2023 06:54

He would never stop me going out, or complain, but I don’t really get the opportunity

Well his is stopping you isn’t he? If he’s not at work he’s out having fun meaning you can’t?

Sigmama · 12/06/2023 07:01

I'm not sure how old the kids are but a 6 day stag do is taking the piss

DrManhattan · 12/06/2023 07:05

Having your cake and eating it! Living single life and wife & kids at home. Can't be bad. Not sure it's FOMO maybe he doesn't want to be at home?

ItWasntMyFault · 12/06/2023 07:06

If he can afford to go in all these drinking night outs which must cost a fortune then you must be able to afford a babysitter.
Get one booked abs enjoy your time out too.

edenhills · 12/06/2023 07:08

Can you show him what you've written here? I think you guys just need to talk. He may have no idea how much his lifestyle is affecting yours.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/06/2023 07:08

I go to a flower club that runs each week, but you can dip in and out of. Maybe try something like this, even if it's something you're not that interested in, you can go just for the social side. I

A sit down and a good chat is in order, wether he means to or not, he's treating you like a housemaid and nanny by buggering off all the time, leaving you with all the grunt work. If he can plan in his socialising he can also factor in time solo with the dc, time with you and also time to pull his weight in the house

RandomMess · 12/06/2023 07:10

Can you not use a babysitter for you to do your regular weekly social things? Plus you book in a weekend to visit your friend that he books annual leave for.

Also he needs to use most of his annual leave to spend time WITH you and his DC!!!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 12/06/2023 07:13

The problem with a babysitter (which is a great idea in the long run) is that you'll just end up seeing him even less than you do now and your lives get even more split up.

One of my ex's had a hobby which was really time consuming, as a result I ended up getting lonely so started a few hobbies and making plans with my friends. Which meant in the days he was available, I was busy, so it got to the stage we were a bit of a tag team and hardly saw each other

Sigmama · 12/06/2023 07:13

Edenhall, what sort if twat would go on a 6 day stag do and not think about how it affects his family

Coconutcakes · 12/06/2023 07:15

I see this both ways because although your DH sounds a bit over the top, the reason you don't go out is unrelated to this - the reason is you haven't really planned anything. Start putting things on the calender, or join a once a week hobby and tell him thats what is going to happen.

Also whether he spends time rearranging his shifts or reorganising his roster isn't something you really need to worry about, it may seem like a "waste of time" to you but it doesn't really affect you.

I go out a bit (although nothing like your DH) and my DH literally never goes out. The reason is he has no friends and no interests really. To an outside observer it may seem unfair. But it's his choice. I encourage him to go out, but I can't force him.

Sigmama · 12/06/2023 07:17

Coconut, but he should be initiating the conversation, he's the one buggering off all the time, he should be checking if his wife is OK with it and he isn't

Bubblesgun · 12/06/2023 07:18

And why cant you book a babysitter? If he cant be there, he shouldnt stop you from going out. And he can pay since he has so much fun!

GeekyThings · 12/06/2023 07:35

This is going to sound weird, but - start booking out slots on the calendar for yourself to do whatever you want, before you've even planned what that is. You need the time first before you can arrange anything, and with his weird shifts and overly active social life it will make it even more difficult.

Book it all well in advance and book slots at least twice a week. Then find something to fill it with. If his shifts change or he rearranges tell him he needs to book a sitter to cover it.

Original poster
Brush17 · 12/06/2023 07:40

A flower club sounds amazing!!

We don’t use paid babysitters (we can’t really afford it, maybe because he’s spending all his money on going out lol) but we are fortunate to have family who help a lot. Thing is I tend to use them for school pick ups and “filling the gaps” around our jobs rather than for going out stuff.

But you’re all right - I need to be more assertive about this stuff. I’m going to ask my mum if she can help this week so I can tag along to a gig with some colleagues. It’ll mean she can’t help him with pre-night shift child care but tough. Thank you for the input everyone

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 12/06/2023 07:42

I couldn’t live like that.

Sierra26 · 12/06/2023 07:48

Sounds really unfair and he needs to grow up a bit - he’s living in some sort of student mindset. Is he resentful of the shift nature of his job? Some of these social events must be during the week, so if he had your job (Mon-Fri) would he still be bending heaven and earth to go to them? Does he realise if he had a Mon-Fri there would be very little opportunity to chop and change.

Obviously a conversation is needed and the suggestion of a compromise/practical solution. For his sake and for yours.

Explain that he is putting his need to socialise ahead of your need to be able to plan your time (I.e have your own social life, attend clubs etc). Every time he makes a shift change, he’s taking something from you, and I doubt he’s asking you if it’s okay. His colleagues must be sick of him doing this too and he must be a zombie at work.

Can you agree a ‘cut off’ date by which his shifts are locked in, so you can plan how you use your time around them? This would also force him to just suck it up /get used to not being able to do everything (as the rest of us have to!). And he could still plan things in advance for his off days (along with his share of chores, home improvements and parenting!).

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